Because what they are doing to me is so mean, so opportunistic, knowing I have no one to turn to, it beggars belief.
A few times this week I have gone back on the bus hardly able to sit upright and keep my eyes open, I felt so ill. Today was one of those days. My bed has been stripped and I asked if it could be made for me because I was upset and didn’t feel well. First I was told someone would help me and someone was named, then they completely changed their minds and told me not feeling well wasn’t a good enough reason. I said I was going to A&E because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. They were full of sarcastic sweetness. I didn’t go, because I thought they are all as bad as each other and I would be making trouble for myself. I have no one I can turn to, no visitors, they have kept the harassment and sarcasm and terseness and rudeness just coming at me. Sharon has been mainly responsible. There is a nurse called Helen on today, white British (there is another who is black) and she was really rude to me as I came out. I was talking loudly because I was upset and she said ‘go on’, gesturing at the door, and started talking really hard at me. They were laughing. I can’t take anymore, I am tired and upset and everything they do is designed to undermine and humiliate me. Terry was laughing. I saw something between him and Sean I wished I hadn’t seen, at least I saw Sean’s reaction, I can guess the rest. He had just told Terry I wanted my bed made. I don’t want to go back to this. I never wanted to do this, and I don’t want to do it anymore, it is inhuman. Helen was responsible, as a new person, for moving against me and getting me medicated when all I wanted was to get my lunch in peace a few weeks ago, just a few hours before Kerry kicked me in the stomach. I’ve still had no support over that, I feel upset every time I encounter hr, and she puts herself in my face.
That’s something else. I saw John in the car park and he ignored me. He is one of the OT people. The other day he invited me to a Moving On Group and I said no thanks, the things I would want to talk about as anxieties for moving on are things I’ve already had dismissed as symptoms of mental illness, so it would be frustrating for me. He said OK and moved on, then I changed my mind, at which point he told me it was a confidential group and he didn’t want me blogging and describing and naming people. I said I hadn’t described anyone, he said I had described Kerry. So it was another bit of opportunism. Why did he invite me in the first place? I said I had no legal responsibility to not name anyone, staff or patients, and he talked about common law, whatever that is. He said if I was going to blog he would have to ask me not to come, so I said I would forgo it. Anyway, he was there in the car park tonight, silently walking up and down and refusing to get involved, as though angry, hurt women are not to be spoken to. This is vicious. It is just vicious. And talking to me about common law, when legal law is being used to do things to me that I don’t want or need, and as well as that I am getting such inhumanity and cruelty. And wide eyes innocent insolence and discrimination. They never take my side or other patients’ sides in a conflict between a patient and staff. I’m worn out and tired, very very tired, and I thought, I’ve tried to believe, that Terry is a friend. Sometimes it really looks that way. I hurt him and made him angry by accident, and I was angry as well at his reactions. But I’ve seen him cry, especially after I wrote him a letter. He had suggested writing a letter before and I didn’t, so I wrote a letter coming out of that, and his tears were real, I saw them. I’m afraid of him these days, and at one point it wasn’t like that. When he is with some of the others, anyway, I’m afraid of him. I was told he was going on a course for dealing with aggression and I became afraid that he would come back changed. I didn’t realise it was something they have to do every year. My experience of him to that point had been that he only needed to put himself in a situation and stand there for things to calm down. I was afraid he would come back like some of the rest. They always have to have the last word as well, some of them. What I wrote about earlier today, Tracy did her normal thing of walking out after throwing something at me and me trying to answer her and challenge what she had said. She is the one who tells me she can’t be bothered with me. Sue told me she didn’t like me and didn’t want to talk to me. Sharon is just pig ignorant (apologies to pigs). I said I didn’t want to look at something they wanted me to look at this afternoon because I didn’t trust them and would look in my own time. I was told they didn’t care that I didn’t trust them. It is wrong. They are determined not to be nice to me in a conflict situation. I’m dealing with savage animals here who should be struck off. That reminds me, someone who knows told me today that Dr Bradshaw is leaving. Dr Bradshaw leaving, Tony off the ward for about 2 months and I’ve been told they can’t tell me why. They have said he is still team leader, or whatever his title is. I don’t know how I feel about him at the moment. I felt sorry for him at one point.
Dr Alan has gone. I thought he was nice, as anyone connected with psychiatry could be. He was on the ward one night saying in ‘that voice’ that he would help any way he could. I thought he was talking to me but I was afraid and not sure. I had intended to try and talk to him, but now he has gone. There are some people to whom I want to say, ‘do you think I can help you and if so, how?’ He was one of those people.
Sharon was taunting and bear baiting today. She always does that with me. She has started walking past coughing and clearing her throat at me. I have become too free in saying this kind of thing. They rarely challenge me, especially not if I am talking to another patient who feels the same way, but I suppose they are still putting it towards a diagnosis of schizophrenia, as though no one could be doing these commonly done to people things to me, it has to be mental illness, because I live in a pristine, antiseptic bubble where none of the things people do to each other are ever done, according to their theories about me.
I have said over the last two days that these people are brainwashed as to how they think it is OK to treat another human being, and that the rest of us aren’t supposed to have a problem with it. I have heard it said that many people fear mental illness and wouldn’t talk about symptoms because they don’t want to end up in hospital. It’s a political rule of fear, if that is true, in my opinion.
Another thing I am still confused about is Ruth. In the wheelchair with MS. She is often sitting in the corridor in her chair waiting for someone to help her. Today, apparently, one of the nurses who did breakfast told her she had legs and she should use them. I don’t get this. I don’t like being in the dark about something like this, but they call it confidentiality. Except that this morning wasn’t very confidential. I often help her, but I am becoming impatient and reluctant myself because I am thinking the staff must have a good reason for making her do things for herself. She told me they had taken the spacers out of her wheels. I don’t want to be unkind but I don’t want to contribute to a problem the staff seem to think is made worse by helping her.
My back hurts and I am upset. There is nowhere i can go and no one I can turn to. They are taking advantage of that.