In my last post I said the regimentalism here was getting me down. By regimentalism I meant the 10 am get up time and the slots for meals. Possibly it wasn’t that fair of me to say that because when it comes to it most people are quite flexible, some more than others. For the time being this is my home, and it’s not really too bad, all things considered. There is a lot of banter and humour between the staff and between ourselves and the staff. However, the serious issues remain, it’s just that they are not looked at very often, and I fear that if we tried we might end up feeling the worse for it. The serious stuff comes out at tribunals. They said I was grandiose and had pressure of speech. They said I lacked insight.
As a Christian I believe I need to be kind and forgiving. That doesn’t seem to be far away from giving the impression that I am complying happily. But then the guns come out at tribunals, the guns they have trained on me. Dismissing me as grandiose, for what reason I do not know. That is the people who sat on the panel.
The worst thing about sleeping here is the plastic mattresses. Every night I wake up several times too hot and throw the duvet off, and every morning I can feel the sweat pouring off of me, and my hair is plastered to my back. I’ve been told that my bedroom is next to the one which is right over the boiler, I don’t know if that makes any difference, or if it is just the weather and the building. My mother says she prefers the cold weather, because if she is too cold she can do something about it, whereas it is a lot harder if you are too hot. We haven’t got fans or anything, if we had the noise would be a disturbance.
I’ve thought about going back to the place in Sherwood to ask other neighbours if they heard the woman shouting hallelujah above me. It seems to me that the psychiatrists want to put that down to auditory hallucinations. I don’t know how they can be so definite without making proper checks, maybe it is just a delusion in their own heads, subsidiary to their own delusions of grandeur and power and importance.
Maybe this is a period of transition for me. I no longer have my nice flat apart from the neighbours and the bitumen on the floorboards. I might not get a garden this time. I wonder how long it is going to take them to come up with a property for me. People are saying I’m on priority listing, but there must be others as well. I was told some Salvation Army flats were being withdrawn from people who were living in them and the number 70 was mentioned as the number of people who would be consequentially homeless. What with that and the present shortage of one bedroom flats I imagine I might have to wait for a very long time before something comes up for me. The tribunal said something about wanting to have me moving on by July, but I can’t see that happening. As much as I am trying to be reasonable and understanding and friendly towards people who are really so different from me, I really don’t want to have to make this my home for a long time. The humour and banter are just distractions from the very important fact that, ultimately, it is a power relationship that I am on the wrong side of. I have said in the past that this is little more than an open prison. For me that is true, being on a Section 3. I hate coming back here when I go out. I am trying to work on my tendency to see this as a them and us situation, but it is hard. I have no choice but to be here, I can’t leave if I want to. People talk about state kidnap in relation to this situation, and that does feel true at the end of the day.
People have looked at my post ‘Striking Poses’ over the last few days, so I re-read it today and still find it relevant. Let it be noted that I had problems at Macmillan Close even on medication that I am not experiencing here. My key nurse asked me if the fact that I am not experiencing the same problems here didn’t suggest something about being on medication, but it is not that simple.