After Cain killed Abel and God asked him where he was, Cain said, “am I my brother’s keeper?”
I feel as if my upstairs neighbours are my keepers. Or that they see me as an animal in captivity for observation and experimentation, or as a subject of some form of pest control.
Until a few years ago I was never one for talking about vibes and energy, but now it is unavoidable. Every time my mind goes into recreative and positive relaxation a sound from them is imposed on it, usually vocal, normally sounding, today, like ‘dobre’, though it could be ‘hallelujah’ or banging. Throughout the day, all day, every day. I feel it as ‘don’t you dare’. Every movement I make they put a sound or comment on top. She screams like a demon when I come and go. They do tapping stuff. She goes from sweet to hate in a second, unless there is another woman there. My mind can’t cope with it.
Also I have people turning up and ringing my doorbell and when I answer there is no one there.
Every time I become animated within myself and feel I can express myself in a way I like, their voice imposes itself, and I am here like a guilty and frightened thing, desperate and constantly seeing my own expressive life being killed by what can only be called aggressive psychic interference.
I sneezed a few minutes ago. Sneezing, when my mind feels so bound, feels cleansing, and I like the recovery period, the seconds afterwards. But as soon as I finished sneezing one of them said ‘dobre’. I take hold of what I am writing now and give it a mental affirmation as it presents itself, and they speak uncomfortably and as if objecting. It frightens the life out of me. That phrase has a whole new meaning for me these days.
I went to the toilet and as I came out one of them said ‘dobre’. I don’t want not to get on with them but they are making it impossible.
They still bang at me when they hear me in the bathroom. They stir and bang about uncomfortably or deliberately every time sleep becomes restorative or pleasurable or exultant for me. If I think about it, it is as if they are dragging me around by the hair.
I went to a pizza restaurant yesterday, and there is a children’s play area right in front of it. Three girls dressed in yellow stopped and stared at me and I thought about the paedophile rumour. I sat down and a few minutes later one of them shouted out ‘zestoki’ (cruel), which is something I have been heard to shout at my neighbours. I don’t know where they got that from. I felt mentally assaulted and raped. A bit later the children started screaming, really soul-piercing screams I felt invaded by, and a few seconds later a security guard appeared using a mobile phone, and he stared at me. I’ve been here a long time. I wondered if something he had done had been responsible for the screaming and the way it made me feel. I’ve been harassed by security guards for ages now, sometimes mockingly and exultantly.
I had a couple of women come in and act strangely close to me. One of them was eyeing me with narrow slit eyes, like an animal ready to pounce, and I was blank, I didn’t smile because my mind was preoccupied. Then she went into a wonderful awesome sociable switched on beauty routine. The clearest face, the most beautiful, fluttering almond eyes. Face held up to her man. I resented it, it seemed theatrical and aggressive. I noticed she had a child with her, a girl of about 8 or 10 who seemed to be a bit ill-behaved, I can’t quite remember how. I looked and thought, ‘like mother, like daughter’. But as I kept looking I realised the girl was uncomfortable and wanted attention that she was being denied, and she kept trying to get it, then she looked bored and wandered off. And I thought, ‘poor kid, having a mother like that’.
That was when my scepticism and my ‘I don’t believe this’ response kicked in, and I decided to have a good, doubting, examining look at the whole act. Shortly afterwards they got up and left, but as they walked away it looked almost as if she deliberately divested herself of a character. Afterwards it seemed to me that the whole atmosphere in the restaurant was changed. I had felt before that people seemed so happy and relaxed, but afterwards everyone was awkward and trying to recover comfortable and natural behaviour. I would call it vamping, but she seemed to be presenting herself as one of God’s and nature’s beauties, dominant in her way and empty-headed.
I feel as if I am being malicious now, but I’m not. I’ve had women doing this around me a lot when I go out, and I don’t know why. Every time I get a moment of mental light and start thinking about what I am writing or examining it, the voice I find frightening from the woman upstairs when I am trying to write imposes itself and it is like an electric shock saying, ‘thou shalt not’, or ‘I don’t want you to’.
Thinking about it it reminds me that I have betrayed my own intentions and that I came here for the country and the people, not to be separate on a computer all the time. But it feels like my refuge from their madness and invasiveness, as well as a chain in itself, and they won’t let me have that refuge. The feeling that I can go to them and be friendly and that it will be welcome imposes itself, or is imposed on me, at the most psychologically inconvenient and resented and rebelled against times. They have tied me up in knots, these changelings, and left me feeling guilty for not wanting to be available when I think I realise they want me to be.
They still comment when I cough, they still comment when they hear my computer and, if it is songs, at the change of every track. They bang when I shit and comment when I fart or belch.
Jesus, does anyone understand this and how it makes me feel? I was going to say, ‘how I feel about it’, because pop psychology in recent years has said that nothing can make you feel something, you feel it for your own reasons. As I wrote it the man’s voice came in sharp and aggressive, like a knife into my mind, and now I can’t rework or work with anything. When she opens her mouth it is as if she is piercing the air demanding power or recognition. It often happens when possibilities and connections open up in my mind that I begin to feel happy and positive about. So to me she seems to be saying, continually, ‘you owe me’.
One of Shakespeare’s characters ends a play saying, “the world is a stage and we are its actors”. I was tagging this and thinking about the theatre aspect and watching and being watched, and that that approach to life runs counter, it seems to me, to the approach of the spirituality I have valued that emphasises unselfconsciousness. I felt it when people started telling us to be vigilant about terrorism threats after 9/11. Maybe that is my problem and misunderstanding. If you are educated in the warning signals maybe you don’t go around with the terrorist attack threat constantly in your mind and even when the thought can’t be found, if the right things present themselves you become aware there might be a cause for concern. To me, life is not for going around being consciously vigilant.
WordPress Asks: “Are You Well Versed In Comment Etiquette?”
Loose paraphrase: Which would you rather receive, a comment saying ‘great post! check out my blog at (www.suebarnett.wordpress.com, in my case)’ or one saying ‘well said! I know what you’re talking about because . . . and I think . . .’?
While the forum, if properly, fairly and legally run, is useful and sometimes feels helpful, I for one would rather not be nagged and patronised and treated like some sort of a great-niece or child or student in a classroom in this way. As far as I am concerned, we comment the way we can at the time, and those of us who are sincere in our comments and appreciation might well be using that shorthand to say, ‘I am so impressed with what you have to say here, there is nothing I feel able to add, but I would appreciate you looking at my blog because I think yours is an opinion I would value’.
Some people, like me, sometimes read and blog in distress, or very focussed on their own thing and they are desperate to have someone else aware of and concerned about the things they are concerned about. I don’t think we need to sanitise and make anodyne the way everyone should leave their comments, or that anyone should see it as an insult or somehow inadequate if a person says, ‘great post, please check out my blog’. It might be all they are capable of at the time, and it might show more appreciation than launching into an opinion.
While I understand exactly what is being said and on the whole agree with it, there are times of desperation or recognition, for me, when I can’t say what I want without it being as short as possible and straight to the point. I’m thinking, maybe pretentiously, of the difference between a diver, say, at their most polite and articulate, saying something like, ‘honey, would you mind getting the air cylinder out of the car?’ and a woman in intense labour pains screaming and swearing and snarling like a savage at her helper who insists on going by the book to shut up and give her the mask. Something like that. There are other situations of pain where the same would apply. Or the difference between someone swimming yelling ‘hey, great to see you, come on in, let’s play ball’, and someone else in the water drowning doing their best while trying to snatch air to attract the attention of someone to help them.
Etiquette is for the adequate and sometimes even for the indifferent and self-absorbed, to get what they want with as little friction as possible. Many people are inadequates who accept that about each other, and don’t want to be told they should emulate the adequate, bright, happy, switched on people in order for their contribution to be acceptable.
And while I’m thinking about it, someone said that most people live lives of quiet desperation. But we have been taught in the past, if not now, to be completely hypocritical about that fact when applying for a job, for instance. I can’t theorise on why that is at the moment, but if a person is desperate for a job, and also capable of doing it or of learning to, why should they be advised to rely on such self-negating and relationship-sabotaging dishonesty and subterfuge right from the beginning, and why should anyone be taught that it is not acceptable to show desperation if it exists? I’ve never employed anyone, so I don’t know if employers are advised to despise desperation, or if the advice is based on the belief that, if someone sees you are desperate, they might take advantage of you, but it seems to me that no honest and honorable relationship can be based on an initial dishonesty of that kind.
It also occurs to me that the kind of comment WordPress is presenting as less desirable might be nothing more than the expression of an internalisation of that advice which allows for nothing more. Keep it light, keep it casual, can easily translate to, ‘hey, that’s great, come and see mine!’ We need permission to become honest again, not instructions on how to become presentable and acceptable to other people in order to compensate for and not address the fact that experts in communication have told us to steer clear of some kinds of honesty.
So thank you for your advice, WordPress, and I hope this post might be in line with the kind of comments and responses you would like to see. And please check out my blog at www.suebarnett.wordpress.com. Thank you for reading and for letting this pass the moderation procedure (which I personally find also inhibits and tampers with my ability to communicate as I would wish, sometimes. If I’m not even sure I am going to get through the door or have my existence acknowledged or welcomed, why should I and how can I lay myself bare, as it were, in my response? Often closed doors and rejection make desperate and battered people who can hardly hear you anyway, even with the impecceable (and expensive) etiquette of having a butler to hold the door wide open).
Oops, here we go! Back to me. If you go through a butler, you have probably had to go through other levelsof protocol as well, and how you handle them might determine whether or not you get as far as the butler. In church I was taught that this procedure is a way of reveaing a person’s heart and whether or not ‘they are ready’ for access. They never, to my memory, said anything or much about any inadequacies or unreadiness expressed by the person requiring such protocol. Is it right that the person expected to go through it should be the only one expected to fit? In reality does it even work that way? Some people want the challenge of the protocol because they want a process of validation or change. I happen to believe that in some situations I am one of those people. But if the people imposing or handling the protocol don’t respect that about me or even respect the protocol itself . . . . protocol is a mutual thing, isn’t it, not just from the top down. I’m sure it should be and that really that is how it should work.