. . . be acceptable”, and that doesn’t mean people have to like them.

Watch, if you get the chance, last night’s 10 o’clock news on BBC1, on the iPlayer.

I don’t know who writes the script, if the newsreader actually knows what they are reading.  But I do know they are provocative and play on every fear and vulnerability I might conceivably have, including the fear of writing and publishing this in case some politically motivated person uses it as evidence of deteriorating mental health.

I also know that, if they are deliberately constructed as they are, they are the most shameless and blatant psychological terrorism.

Let’s start with the oil well report.  Have you noticed how many times they say ‘down below’?  And we know that is an obvious reference to a person’s private parts.  That’s only one thing.

Another is putting it together with a report on Peter Sutcliffe, who has been told he will die in custody, and him having a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.  I also have that diagnosis, and I have expressed fears about the Bulgarian police and the figures on deaths in police custody.   I have a difficult relationship with my neighbours, partly because the kids seem to taunt me outside my house, and people kick the gate (as someone did half an hour ago when I had just switched on my bedroom light – it is now 4.55 am), and it isn’t helped by this kind of psychological assault.  Not only that, but to be engaging in it is illegal, and for the person experiencing it it is demeaning, debilitating and humiliating.  It does not require a sense of humour, it requires exposure.  Because not everyone is at a place where they can treat it with a sense of humour (if that were even appropriate), and will live crippled lives, maybe even harm themselves or others, before they ever can get there.  It is not funny, guys, or big, or clever, or doing anyone a favour.  Certainly not yourselves.  Do you hear me, Fiona Bruce?  If you knew what you were doing, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.  If you didn’t, perhaps you should find out.

And all through she went through serious and grim-faced, teary eyed, and went out on a smile which might be best described as macabre, in the circumstances.  What was all that about?

People have been making noises all week about ‘take care now’, and other stuff along the same lines, most of it discernibly aimed at me because of constant use of allusions to songs I listen to, etc, and they know I am in a situation at the moment where I can be legitimately terrified to say something like this in case someone decides to misuse it.  I have been so terrified of how it has made me feel about my neighbours, and how it has made me feel about the possibility of further police harassment and intimidation, that I haven’t been out of the house since last Wednesday (I mean 10 days ago).  Fears of police bullying, and worse, really are legitimate here, I believe, partly based on some of the footage I have seen over the last couple of hours on YouTube.  Take a look, it is quite graphic, some of it is true to my experience, and for so long these people (in the UK) have had me living under such deep abuse that I think I am the one in the wrong if I have a problem with it.  But look at the footage and see what you think.  Look up ‘Bulgarian Police’ on YouTube.

I don’t care why you are doing it, you know you are playing on some very deep-seated fears which have good foundation, and that is wrong.  I am compromising myself, if I say anything and if I don’t, if the danger exists for me.  They know I tried to leave Bulgaria twice last week, and got into an abusive situation with the police.  They know I didn’t receive adequate support from the British Embassy. They know I gave up after the second attempt, hoping to get help to prevent me wasting time, money and emotional energy by getting into the same situation again if I tried.   They also know that today I told someone I was going to try again next week.  They have no right to make me or anyone else feel like this. It is as unclean as their constant innuendo.  It is disgusting and disgraceful at every level.  It is witchcraft and a hate crime.  I can barely live my life.  Ever time I try to start again, they take it and hit me with it.  And if you look up ‘Women in modern Bulgaria’ on Google, you will see pages which detail trafficking and abuse of women and girls, and you will know I am getting at least a double whammy of the same hateful, lowlife spirit.

And it isn’t funny, even if it is meant to be, because  it keys into some very vulnerable areas and some people will do desperate things.  And at least a few of you are responsible, because at least a few of you have deliberately and knowing constructed an invasive, abusive monster.  I tend to think that everyone involved in the industry on a presentation level know at east what I know, if not more, and if you don’t, your training isn’t adequate enough for you to understand and take responsibility for what you are giving expression and presence to, and it should be.

I’d still like to know what the progression was from grim to tear-wrecked face to big smile was all about.  It’s not funny, boys and girls.  Get out of my psychological space.  If I’m in danger, tell me openly, or you will be responsible if anything happens to me.  At the moment you are just creating resentment and intolerable fear and feelings of stupidity and insecurity, so intolerable, I daren’t go about my life for fear of the consequences, whether those consequences come at me from outside, or are just expressed as an inability to cope adequately in a situation where, at the moment, everyone turns away from me, or spits in front of me, or shouts at my house, or mocks me in the street, in a place where I don’t even understand the language to know what they are thinking.   You are psychological murderers, and your behaviour is unforgivable in its puerility,  cowardice and violent aggression.  And all I can see is that smile, going off and not caring, and leaving emotional and psychological havoc in its wake, and not caring.  It is that kind of smile, in this kind of situation, which makes people like the Raoul guy do the kinds of things he did.  And the feeling of ‘hey, how dare you do this kind of thing to me, you’re not getting away with it’ is completely appropriate.  And the awful thing for me is, they won’t care enough to change, they will just go on and on, provoking, taunting, making life unbearable, then pretending it is all in the head of the next person who turns round with physical violence in retaliation.

The thing about Fiona Bruce is, I thought she was a Christian.  I heard Aled Jones a few weeks ago say they were doing something together.  If she is, and knows what she’s handling, I can’t see how she can think it is OK.

And I really am scared that, at some point, I might be hurt or killed by the police in Bulgaria.  They know that.  I don’t have the ability to express, using words alone, how I feel about what they are doing in light of that.  Please stop the pursuit.  Talk to me or leave me alone, and stop flattering yourselves that you are doing anything good or helpful for ANYONE.  What it sounded to me as if you were saying last night, Fiona, was, ‘we’ve lost her.  Because she didn’t disclose everything she was asked (which I haven’t been.  The most serious accusations against me NO ONE has ever put to me, but I know they exist), and because she is creating international tensions, they are going to keep her there and she will die in police custody.  But we have to carry on’.  In light of what has happened to me this fortnight, and the emails to the British Embassy and to David Cameron about the situation which have received no answer, and my own MP, Joan Ruddock’s, statement that the British Embassy was all I could turn to abroad, and the progression through grim, to tear strained, to smile, make that the most obvious message.  Your smile makes me feel I should laugh at it and see my fears as ridiculous, but my fears make me want to stay in for safety’s sake and watch how this continues to unfold.  I feel really ridiculous.  But that doesn’t mean I am.

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