I watched TV a lot, because I seemed to be being bombarded with images of people in my life, or at least within my orbit.  It might be more accurate to say that I was within their orbit.

During my first few days I saw a lookalike of Gerald Coates in Parliament on a news programme.  I said so out loud and one of the nurses said, ‘we’ve got to put a stop to this’ – meaning me, not what was on the telly!  Later I saw David Shuchman, a reporter on the news, name sounds like David Shearman, pastor of the church where I spent my teens and who is involved with parliament.  I was particularly disturbed by his name because I heard it as ‘shoeman’, because David had wanted me to take my shoes off once during a service.  It wasn’t a direct request or command, but something he said which seemed to be general from the platform.  I didn’t do it, I didn’t want to.  It somehow felt like an illicit shortcut in dealing with relationship issues.

What really freaked me one night was a film I saw, with Susan Sarandon, about a couple and a child, I think.  One of the people in it had skin identical to Colin Dye’s, I had seen that in the trailer, and it immediately had my attention.  I watched it from the beginning.  It was a pastiche of what was happening with me and the church.  There were church scenes in it, the first one I remember had a stern header over the church, something along the lines of ‘do what’s right because it’s right’.  The other I remember was at the end, where this woman, who seemed to be me, came into the church dishevelled and on her knees seeking forgiveness.  It was appalling.  Shortly before that there had been a golfing scene between people who seemed to represent John Coles (big golfer) and Colin Dye, and they were saying they seemed to have the same woman in common, the woman who seemed to represent me.  I was at that time visiting several churches, these were two of them.

Right at the beginning of the film there was a big car crash scene involving the person who looked like Colin Dye.  I had been watching intently up to that point, but when I saw that I left the room distraught and in tears, wondering what they were doing to him.  I suppose he would say my concern was misplaced and inappropriate.  A nurse came out to me and asked me what was the matter, and I told her, and she said ‘it’s only a film’.  I knew there was more to it than that, but I didn’t know how it was working, I thought it was something psychic, and I was frightened and broken down, and angry as well.  This was the first time I had encountered anything like this, to my knowledge.  There has been plenty more since.

Why don’t people listen when you say what is happening, instead of dismissing it, sometimes as mental illness, just because THEY don’t understand it and have no frame of reference for dealing with it?

So anyway, that was the TV side of things.  Apart from that, I wasn’t allowed of the ward for ages, it might have been weeks, not even escorted, and I spent 11 days without a toothbrush or toothpaste, even though I had asked for it.  Because of what I was seeing, including the fact that the wards had Biblical names, I thought I was with church people and this was somehow part of leadership training, preparation and selection, and that the delay in receiving toothpaste and a toothbrush was one among many deliberate tests I had to pass, and that this was a deliberate test of my patience and my willingness to wait in trust.  For the same reason, when I was asked if I wanted to appeal my section and told that I had a right to a solicitor, I said that I trusted the hospital staff and the people in church who had decided I should be there, and I didn’t want to appeal.  I was taken off my section, but I had nowhere to go for home, and an ex-army bully, Nick Caswell, said, ‘but you will be straight back on it if you don’t take your medication’.  I didn’t believe that was saying I would become ill again if I didn’t take the medication, but a threat of what would happen if I didn’t conform to the regime while I was in hospital.  His subsequent behaviour towards me bears this out.  He once bent my hand forward so hard and so far that it continues to hurt for 6 months afterards.  I told him at the time he was hurting me, and he said, ‘you’ll learn your lesson then, won’t you?’

One of the things that bothers me about the way this is being handled with the people I choose to communicate with is that, whatever I say, they react to it as if it is the first time they have heard it.  But now I know they knew a lot before, even before I told them.  Quite how much I don’t know.  That hurts.  I trusted them, but it seems they secured a lot of that trust by deceit.

I feel guilt towards people, and I don’t even know if it is appropriate.  I wish I had trusted Tommy more.  But I’m confused about that as well.  But I just feel as if his presence is always with me, waiting for me to turn.  It is solidly behind me.  Yet he’s not there.  Is it just a dramatic persona he projects, or is he really there for me?  Given a choice, I’d far rather be romanced than threatened.  That has been most other people’s approach – police, politicians, housing, psychiatric staff.  Church.  Tommy is a man I wish I could have a relationship with (pick up your mental eraser and scrub out ‘sexual’ from your mind, you horrible slime, any official thinking that!).

I’m tired and overwrought.  It’s been a bad month.  I tried to leave Bulgaria twice, to pick up some clothes and come back, but both times I was arrested and not allowed to fly.  And everyone at home who has been involved so far, largely without my permission, knew all about that before I even said anything about it to anyone.  The only people who knew were airport staff and police, someone at the home office (or foreign office) who was called by the police and spoke to me on the phone while I was with the police the first day, and staff of the British Embassy.  I don’t know which of them told church people, or how media people seemed to be running with it.  I didn’t break silence for a week, and I only did so because of threatening noises that I was going to be taken out of the situation on mental health grounds, which I interpreted to mean I was going to be taken out under a section and put in hospital when I got home, which is how conflict has always been handled in the past.  I broke silence and gave my version of events because I was terrorised, by remarks coming from the House of Commons (no, not in my head, bozo, I watch it on the internet!).  I spent £1,000 trying to get back.  Credit card money.  I can’t afford to risk more without an assurance from the people issuing cute or desperate calls that this time I am going to be unhindered in my efforts.  I’m on benefits.  I can’t afford it, financialy or emotionally.

All the stuff about fatwas, etc.  Is that just more lies to sabotage my attempts to move forward with my life in peace?  I think it probably is, you know.  These people know how to manipulate my self-righteousness and self-pity.  I am so miserable.  I’ve stayed in the house for over 3 weeks now, for fear of what might happen if I go out, partly, and also because I can’t deal with my embarrassment at how stupid I’ve been believing this while I am seeing images of people in my vilage on television.  If they can see them, they can see me, and I feel crippled by self-consciousness.  How have they got their images?  Have people come forward voluntarily in response to the garbage put out by the media, or are they getting them some other way?  I had great hopes for Bulgaria.  I can’t find a way to recover the joy.  I feel there will always be a shadow over me here.  We are told that Bulgarian people welcome other cultures.  My neighbours welcomed me.  I’ve never had such kind neighbours.  But I’m not sure what they were expecting.  I’m not convinced, entirely, that I’m dealing with a general anti-British nationalism.  What if I’M the one that’s prejudiced?  These media people, they say ‘torture is not culture’, but what have THEY been doing or allowing to be done to me for years?  Hmm? (warding off an effing and blinding attack).  Dem people, dey hypocrites, or dey conveniently forget.  God bless America (sorry, forgot, I’m English!)

That’s another thing (my posts always leave the original topic).  What does my friend, and Prime Minister, David Cameron, think he is doing posturing my homeland as a junior partner in a relationship with another country?  how DARE he?  In what sense are we junior?  Fighting terrorism, because 9/11 was an event in America?  We are independent (every time I get a run on thinking the kids screech.  I’m so raw and terrified, it’s making me feverish and tearful.  I can’t follow through, I can’t get to the end of my thoughts.  For fuck’s sake, it’s theft.  Anywhere I go now as a result of someone else’s input will not be where I was originally going to go, and where I would have gone without the interference would, at the very least, have been right and better for me, if not everyone else.  I feel bad.  I feel as if I am resisting their attempts to love and embrace me.  But we have no common language yet.  I love hearing their voices.  I feel as if I am in a bad place without them.  But I also need space and privacy to do my own thing?  Problem – I don’t believe myself.  Is this insistence of mine on preserving my own space just a perpetuation of the abnormal and dysfunctional approach which has been taken towards ME for years? The longer I wait, the more sick and frightening the sounds become.  It renders me inarticulate.  That seems to be what everybody always wants.  Articulate OK, as long as you say what we want you to say, when we want you to say it.  Whatever you say beyond the questions and concerns WE have doesn’t matter.  I want to hit these kids, they are really pushing it.  Why don’t their parents do something?  Don’t they realise how cruel and thoughtless it is to do this to someone who doesn’t even speak their language?  Do they think I don’t have a life in here?  They are banging the bins now.  I feel inadequate.  I’m failing.  It’s MY fault.  I’m sick in my stomach.  I’m full of tears.  My throat feels strange.  I can’t release it.  Their insolent, angry, demanding faces.  Little changelings.  Sometimes I think it is people in Bulgarian media putting them up to it or provoking them to it.  I suppose Bulgaria is also hacking my computer.  I’ve seen this before, and I’ve watched videos years later where it seemed that was what was happening.  With all the stuff being said about Russia and everything, I’m really frightened.  I think Bulgaria won’t let me leave.  I am not a performing animal.  I’m not a hamster, to be woken up and got out to play with at someone else’s whim.  And it isn’t only my own conscience which is making me so crushed.  Is this what they think of as love and normal community living?  Am I the one out of step?  It feels like it.  It feels like it because the media likes to present it that way.  These kids are giddy and out of control.   I can’t be expected to deal with it, I’m traumatised and I don’t have the language.  Someone is whipping them up.  If someone can stop my tears and return me to joy, that will be quite a feat.  I invite you to try, if you think you are capable or have the right.  If kids are going to interfere with people like this, they need their bottoms smacked.  They obviously don’t respect anything else.  In fact, they play on the fact that that isn’t going to happen, and allowing that kind of disrespect towards adults is not acceptable, especially not towards adults they have no right to be targeting with their boundary testing.  As an idealist I think communities should be run around childen, but sometimes you have to do other things.  There has to be a place, doesn’t there, for saying ‘enough is enough’, and have it respected just because you say so?  You can’t always talk about winning or forfeiting the right, because some people don’t WANT you to win the right or regain it if you ‘forfeit’ it.  Children are NOT little innocents, and however that has come about, you can’t deal with things by assuming that they are and have a right to be, always.  Aren’t I allowed my own time and space to renegotiate the relationship?  They seem to be trying to drag me out like the woman caught in adultery [whose side Jesus was on, by the way].  First they utter a war cry, then they bang something, then they make a hard, vomiting sound from their throats.  Who is teaching them to handle themselves in this way?).   DISCLAIMER:  MY FEELINGS AND EXPRESSED OPINIONS ABOUT KIDS MIGHT NOT BE RELIABLE TODAY, IN MY CURRENT EMOTIONAL STATE.  BUT SAYING HOW YOU FEEL IS STILL THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH IT, IF PEOPLE ARE NOT BEATING ON YOU AT YOUR EVERY THOUGHT.  EXCEPT THERE ARE THINGS I DON’T SAY, ABOUT HOW WRONG I BELIEVE I AM, BECAUSE I AM NOT WITH THE PEOPLE I BELIEVE CAN HELP ME BE RIGHT.  My internet connection has ‘been down’ for the last 30 minutes or so.

Was it David or Solomon that said days would come when people would say, ‘if only I had accepted discipline?’  That is how I am feeling now.  I’m not sure where that fits in with the fact that I have been treated so inhumanly and torturously, and I’m not sure that David or Solomon was right in the first place to say such a thing in such an unqualified way.  Are we wrong to focus so much on human rights?  I’ve heard preachers say that people want rights without responsibilities.  I can see that is sometimes true, or at least appears to be (people say a lot of things in bravado or defiance of the truth they know because they daren’t reveal their heart).  But surely it has to be true that sometimes leaders say this kind of thing to avoid having to deal with issues in their handling of their authority.  I don’t feel I have any right to be saying this stuff.  I’m not a leader.  Who is going to help me if I alienate myself from my leaders?  But even the Bible says there were good kings and bad kings.  One of them refused the advice he was given not to lay a heavy burden on the people, and the people revolted.  It doesn’t say they were wrong.  In fact, according to the Bible, God never wanted them to have a king in the first place.  According to the Bible, God SAID that kings would rob people blind and make them slaves.  On that basis it seems to me that the embraced task of a Christian monarch should be to work actively towards dissolving the monarchy.  I’m not sure how much of that I said in the letter I never sent which I believe was illegally accessed on my computer, but David seems to be making a good job of appearing to have that kind of mission as his goal, at least in terms of government, if not of monarchy.  I still think they got it off my computer.  You can’t prove that kind of thing, though, without money, or unless people are willing to stand up and say (I’ve just realised I can’t spell it!) ‘mea culpa’.  That’s not going to happen, is it?

I’m listening to a recording of the end of Premier Breakfast.  What I’ve just heard might explain some of the violent emotions and phenomena.  If you believe in that sort of thing.  These people pipe so purely you think they don’t accept any of it, even though people into spiritual warfare and deliverance teach it.

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