Archive for November, 2010


Touch

People are touch starved.  I am.

In schools teachers are being given more disciplinary powers.  I wonder if they are also going to have restored to them the right to casual, affirming touch and hugging?

It isn’t only the teacher’s right, it’s the child’s right as well, to touch and be touched positively.

Relationships with significant others where hugging and affirming touch are restricted are subhuman.  Everyone needs it, especially with significant others.  It is normal and natural.  Withholding it is not.

I believe it would resolve many discipline problems, because freedom to love and be loved makes people more secure.

As a society, we go immediately to coercive touch because we dare not or will not practise positive touch.

We are drunk and giddy on goodness knows what and some of us have been beaten senseless by the refusal to love in the most obviously normal and natural ways.

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Children and Witchcraft

Children In Need ran something about children accused of witchcraft, and how one girl had been badly ill treated by her accusers.

Obviously ill treatment shouldn’t happen.  But that doesn’t necessarily invalidate the accusation.  In the UK, in dedicated bookshops there are many books directed at children about witchcraft and how to do it.  I’ve seen them on the shelves.  Is it Hatchards?  I can’t quite remember the name.  I think that might be a tea company.

Witchcraft has been an everyday part of some cultures for generations.  I believe that is what my neighbours are practising against me, from what I have seen and heard over the last nine months.  It is distressing to be the target. 

But witches also have problems, or they wouldn’t resort to witchcraft.  We don’t need to do away with the understanding that witchcraft is a real thing, just as we don’t do away with the idea of criminality just because criminals shouldn’t be ill-treated.

The aggressive practice of witchcraft against a person is a hate crime.  It is painful and debilitating to be on the receiving end.  Sometimes people get killed.

Naked, Shameless Evil

My neighbours in Sklave.  They spill out into the street, mocking and jeering, if my audio goes off the men start yelling over me.  I just had some women doing it.  It’s shocking and terrifying, knowing I can’t get away from it, knowing the repeat button is well and truely set to on.   They won’t let me breathe or think.

I don’t even speak their language.  It is truely disgusting.  I feel I should go out and confront it, but what could I say?  I don’t have the language.

I hate my government.  They are taking full advantage of this.  I hate them.  They are grossly indecent.

East Midlands Today 24.11.2010

Edit note 26.11.2010

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00w5djf/East_Midlands_Today_25_11_2010/

These people are vicious.  Aggressively invasive and sexual gropers and hateful in every way.  Whatever they want, they and those like them, I oppose them as a point of principle.  The woman was wearing dress a bit like a kaftan I bought off ebay.  The one on a child called Chloe in Doctors was more like it, teamed with other personal details, as all these programmes are.  ‘I am you and you are me’, Tommy Boyd said.  That’s how these programmes work.  It’s like a personality mix and match or chop suey (get it?).  I took what Tommy said at a heart level, but perhaps he meant something else.

These human beings are acting like dogs, and that is grotesque.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00w5dj5/East_Midlands_Today_24_11_2010/

For some reason my link buttons are inaccessible, so I had to copy the link from the browser rather than use the short form provided by the BBC.

Dominic Heal looks like my grandad.  I pointed this out to an MEP I accidentally left a comment for (I didn’t know she was an MEP), and on the following Monday he was not there.

I decided to be sensible about it a couple of days after he came back.  I decided he is just a man in television doing his job, and it isn’t his fault that he looks like my grandad and has a name reminiscent of a pastor at Kensington Temple, Dominic, part of a church which believes in healing.

But I watched this today (it’s supposed to be available until about 7pm tonight and isn’t downloadable unless you can record it yourself), and it seems obvious to me that he knows and is fully aware of the role he is playing.

The programme features a woman, a senior citizen (must be politically correct) who was knocked down by a hit and run driver who had stolen a yellow dumper truck.  A lot like the one the people I stayed with in Wales have.

This kind of coincidental crime happens all the time, I remember another one which was also hit and run.  It was a car which had the number of my address on the back.  I’m not sure how that happened, the woman was run over by her own car, I think it was hit and run.

Anyone would think that, if I am a decent person, I will stop there.

But I started writing this post to complain.

I told Nick Ferrari on LBC that I hated cigarettes.  Since then programmes have constantly linked cigarettes with things that I enjoy, the mention of which will open me up, and then they come on with the cigarette reference, either in word or gesture.

On the show in this post, the hit and run was described as callous.  Possibly I was not intended to link this word with anything to do with me, but because what followed next came so hard after, in my mind I have linked it all together.

So in my mind, this man who looks like the grandad I never got on with while he was alive because he shouted and hit me is associated with calling me callous if I don’t respond to this on his terms.  They then went on to talk about honing your craft, and straight after he followed it up with a hand gesture as if he was holding a cigarette.

This kind of thing always knocks me for six.  But for the rest of the programme they were wheeling it round and at the end seemed to be asking for a confirmation of the incident (is that so, or something like that), a young black guy came on with the weather forecast in the way Tommy Boyd said he thought it should be done.  In my post yesterday I wrote about hospital.  Lewisham is a mixed race area with a lot of black people.  This was reflected on the ward, and the guy was close to tears.

Can you imagine how I feel challenging this?

They already know about the yellow truck.  I don’t know how.  I want to run to co-operate, but it is still stalking.  Why won’t they make normal contact?  Why do they need to take charge in this way, assuming an identity which isn’t their own to do it?

I was often in hospital because I insisted all this was happening.  Now they want me to validate it.

I keep hearing, ‘you’ve brought it on yourself’.  That isn’t true, and should never be said to any victim of any kind of abuse.

These things are happening because someone has made their own evil decision that they should.  I did not make them make that decision.  Nothing I have said or done could ever justify a decision like that from someone else.

It might be convenient for them to think I’ve brought it on myself, though.  That way they can be my rescuers to whom I should be grateful, and I can be their pawn as long as I’m not prepared to meet them on those terms.

Premeir talked this morning about be thankful to God for saving their life.  It sounded like a directive to me that I should be grateful because they have saved my life.  But it was them that put me in such dire straits in the first place.

I don’t know how long they have seen themselves as saving my life.  I think if they had given me the security I asked for in asking them to make proper contact with me it might not have needed to be saved.

Check out the strange body language, the theatrical flourishes etc, at the end of this news report.  Or is it just me?  It leaves me wanting to respond but forgetting what I am going to have to go through, 2000 miles away, in order to do so.

But he’s saying, ‘we’re here’.  Isn’t he?  But stalking and all that stuff for years isn’t just a technicality.  It can’t be.  He looks like my grandad.  I know it and he knows it.  That’s why it carries weight.  And I was 50 on the 24th.  Wow, that’s magic.  But enjoying it is just out of reach, and my birthday was the pits.

No more for now.  I’m too confused.

Big Daddy Weave – David Shearman or his dad.

Trust and Obey – My baptismal hymn

Doreen – me old mam

Stuttering – my uncle Frank

Celebrate Your Beautiful News – Happy 50th birthday?

How was I supposed to realise that?  It feels like my failure, but they already know I see what they are doing as stalking and psychological pressure when a proper, direct approach would be more appropriate in every way.

He’s playing immovable tank, just like Fred/George Stubbs, the man who bullied his way into a pastorate over a divided diaconate, taking presidence before he was even chosen by the congregation.

They went by do as you’re told without thinking about the technicalities.  Cliff and Rachel got everyone except 4 of us who attended the meeting (a lot had already left the church) on their side.

I started recording Premier Radio at about 8.50 am UK time, and I just started to listen. I had started in the middle of a song, and at the end John Pantry played a testimony by a woman about Premier helping her to calm down, then he said Esther was joining him on the line, and said something about someone waving a piece of paper at him all smiles.

He does this kind of obvious intervention all the time.

Apart from the fact that it is criminal, what do I have against him? Several things, but the last time I saw him at Premier (I was acting a bit like the building’s ghost at the time) I met him in the lift going out, and apologised for lying about a small incident, I can’t remember what, something to do with the lift, and explained that I had been embarrassed.  I think I had met him in the lift on a previous occasion.   When we got outside he turned away sucking his teeth.

If he hasn’t changed, it still matters.  As it should.  It doesn’t really matter emotionally, but it does in other ways.  All his approaches feel like an assault.  I have a right to know what is going on on the radio without having him or others interfering with me like that.  It’s like a confrontational ‘hello’, which I used to get from people on the door at St Barnabas.  Confrontational hellos are not friendly.

They come at you like a tidal wave, and make you feel wrong and powerless.  But they shouldn’t be doing it.  I’m not going into the studio.  I am recording the radio at home.

They are obviously hiding something, or they wouldn’t need to be so confrontational and interceptive.   They want to take charge of me for some reason, in a way that an open and direct approach wouldn’t allow them to.  Common sense says it must be some sort of damage limitation exercise.  Blow the damage their harshness and undisclosed false accusations have done to me and mine, specifically, for decades.

Damn them.

In Jesus’ Name

Amen.

John is a naughty, sniggering boy caught out in the act.  He comes on with the gravitas, but he’s a naughty, sniggering boy.  I don’t want to love him.  I want to hate him for what he has done to me and what he has taken.

Sorry, John.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/w9jfw/

Is all this something to do with Kelvin McKenzie?  I wouldn’t be surprised.  Strikes me as the sort of person who might organise something anyway, just because I suggested it.

He’s in charge of Talksport.  Tommy Boyd used to work there.

Robb Thompson said during my visit to Wales, ‘they’re going to kill her when they’ve finished with her’.  I thought he meant the people in Wales.  Then I decided it was just a way of saying they wanted me to leave.

I shouldn’t be writing this.  I’m scared.  It might mess up investigations, if any are happening.  And I might be putting myself in more immediate danger.  Whoever it is I’m sure they are well connected, and I am told there is plenty of mafia activity in Bulgaria.

Maybe they run the media here too, as in the UK!

Maybe this nutter needs to go to bed.

‘Ere!

Edit note 7 hours later: I’ve tagged this UK, but it doesn’t appear in that section. There is something about ‘follow that mouse’ and ‘ego trips’, but not my post. Please, this is not a sleuth or journalism game for me that you can follow, largely keeping me out of it while leaving me to carry on eating shit.

Does anyone else think our parliamentarians are being really naughty?

Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham were tutors, one a principal after my time, at my 6th form college.  Gordon Brown was the principal I didn’t know about until 8th May this year, the date of the prgoramme with the historian I mentioned in my first post and a later one.  After I found out it appeared it was panic stations all round.  I saw it in a 20 year look back article from the college on the internet.  As it happens, it was the anniversary of my late grandmother’s birthday, 8th May.

I can’t, for some reason, post audio.  I get a notice saying it doesn’t meet WordPress security regulations.  So I can’t upload the Newsnight Simon Schama audio I said I would.  I had to record twice anyway, because the first time I lost the connection half way through and only got part of the programme.  I finally managed to record the whole programme, but when I looked for it on my computer to upload it, I didn’t have it anymore.  I didn’t delete it.  These random file deletions of worms and viruses, are they REALLY random?  Or is there another explanation?  I didn’t delete it, but I no longer have it.

Speaking of Simon Schama, Andrew Marr said on his Remembrance Sunday show that there had been a 3 way deal/agreement between all the party leaders that the Conservative/Liberal coalition should take over.  I suppose that might be fair enough, but to me it doesn’t feel it.  It appears it might be more responsible than party politics, but I don’t know.  And I feel I have no right to question.  “It’s not my place”.  I learned that in Church if nowhere else.

But the Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham I am talking about are not the ones in parliament.  There are many similar namesakes.

A good name is one you earn, not one you are given at birth.  It must be obvious that if people are being chosen to stand for office in any sphere because of their birth or marriage names and not for their capabilities, a) we might not be getting the best people for the job of representing their respective communities well, which is what we are told they are employed for; and b) there is an unacknowledged motive behind such consistent choices which only the people they are aimed at will be aware of.

Now . . .

When I say this, I get put in hospital, but they are all significant names in my life from other spheres.

I am too angry for this sentence, but I’m going to write it anyway.

These people have been playing theatrical games with my life, until recently without my knowledge.  They have been doing it for years, knowing my personal circumstances, I believe, and the fact that I was being put in hospital because I couldn’t cope with the situation, and they were and still are hiding behind or seeking to communicate via a theatrical pageant.

AND YET . . . they tease me, I believe, talking about using blogs and them not having been officially contacted about things.

My dears, I have not been either.  This is my response to your activity towards me.  To insist i use proper channels having already tried, when you do everything YOU do . . . mate, come off it!

I am too outraged to use the proper channels anymore.  When I do I am fobbed off, have an aggressive and confrontational or deceitful stance taken towards me if I make a complaint, or at other times find I have put myself in actual, physical danger of being incarcerated.

Maybe the stance isn’t deliberately aggressive and confrontational, maybe it is just ignorant, in both the literal and offensive senses.

People who are said to have mental health problems should not be left in the care of the downright ignorant.  there is no one more ignorant than someone who insists they know it all, and literally or metaphorically wave a qualification at you to prove it.

You can’t treat people like equals if you don’t see yourself as their equal.

One day I heard a nurse say, when she had lost her mug, “one of THEM must have taken it”.  It rankled.  I was immediately offended.  She was the same one that laughed at me and made monkey gestures at me and lifted up a heavy sellotape holder as if to throw it at me, all in the space of 5 or 10 minutes, then denied that she had done so in front of my psychiatrist at the time, who decided I just had a problem with authority.  He said so in front of me.  He was the one who told me, when I complained about the charge nurse, that he was as pure as the driven snow.

I have a problem with authority all right.  I never feel able to challenge those who hold it, especially in a situation like that which I can’t walk away from.  I felt, as everyone else does, that if I said anything I would be making things worse for myself, and if I hit out physically as I sometimes wanted to, I could find myself in the Johnson unit hell hole.  They put me and other patients there sometimes to help them control the bed situation.  I remember no normal interaction between the staff and patients on those occasions.  My heart turned to ice, burning ice, with terror.  The threat of increasing medication was always there.  In all this time no one spoke of any accusation of child molestation, or desecrating a church, if they were aware of them.  If they were aware of them, I did not know.  I wonder now if, had I been adamant about not wanting benefits, they would then have asked me about these things.  Did I fail the test to be admitted to such information by either giving in to the pressure to receive benefits or insisting on it?  But I didn’t insist.  I challenged my own claims, in writing, more than once.  The challenges were ignored.  I think those challenges might have something to do with the fact that my housing benefit level gets automatically adjusted every time there is an increase.  I’m supposed to fill a form in, but once when I didn’t it was increased anyway and has been ever since.  So it looks as if the housing benefit office and my housing association have together taken it out of my hands.  I don’t know if they are entitled to do that.

I insisted from the beginning that I was being subjected to brainwashing techniques, but it wasn’t just that.  When it came to the patients, the staff walked around as if they, the staff, suffered from dissociative personality disorder.  And it was not just the pressure of work.

They set boundaries OK, and there was no way through or round them.  if you outreasoned them they shut the door in your face, or something equally contemptuous.  I was told by at least one nurse, when I did get to speak to them, that they had given me a lot of THEIR time.  The injustice and lack of relational perception of the comment felt like a kick in the stomach, and I really couldn’t speak to deal with it, it felt that outrageous.  I just felt, ‘hey? what? what did you just say?’, and it must have registered with them, but they were gone.  Maybe they thought my response was unreasonable or part of my mental illness (which I don’t have, but the label, which I don’t recognise personally, only legally as entitling me to financial support while they insist on it, is being held over me, by authorities outside of the mental health services, as a form of C & R (control and restraint).

49 Or 50?

49 or 50?

(Or, as I heard a politician say today, neither fish nor foul!)

50 IS a special age.  If they say it isn’t, they’re lying.

I just thought I’d get this in now to be awkward – here in Bulgaria I am 50 years and 1 and a 1/2 hours old.  In the UK I am still 49.  Which counts and why?

When I realised I was 50, I smiled.  It was automatic.

Then I looked at where I am and felt suicidal (I’m not exaggerating).

I don’t know why or if I’m right (I’m probably not), but I believe 50 is God’s age.  That is, a special age to God.  It’s God’s reaching of majority.  5 is, my tradition tells me, the number of grace.

Whatever anyone might pray for me or try to bless me with in the future, no one can ever give me back the attaining of my 50th birthday.  That has gone.  Reconcile that for me someone, please.

I feel embarrassed making a big thing of this, because now I’m actually writing it doesn’t seem that important.  I also feel as if it is an insult to God to be so faithless for the future.

But I still felt that way, and it still is a big thing.

Check out WordPress’s Freshly Pressed.  Awesome.

PS Premier likes playing a song which I believe they are at least in part directing at me, and it’s a big part.  I can’t remember all the words I want, but it goes something like:

“I have come . . . down the road of my own mistakes . . . wasted years” etc.

For balance, I have to recognise that I am not their only intended audience, or at least I shouldn’t be.  They also play songs rejoicing and triumphing over enemies.

They say it is always your choice, and the bottom line is, that is true.  Sometimes the choice can cost you your life, and the church won’t be on your side.

It seems to me though to be a rather polarised approach to the human condition, including our spiritual condition. Blaming yourself for everything is no less the blame game than blaming other people.

I don’t know any more of this girl’s songs, but I hope that isn’t her settled position towards herself.  The Bible doesn’t mind saying that sometimes other people are to blame.

And the ‘blame game’ (I got that from Anne Coles).  Is it REALLY a game?  Isn’t it a necessary part of owning responsibility.

Blame isn’t a game, it really exists and needs to be dealt with in all healthy and growing relationships.  It is, or at least can be, a heartbreaking experience.  But surely nothing is more deadening to the soul and spirit than to live in a fuzzy, wooey, vibrating mulch where no one is allowed to recognise that blame exists, and also that it might not belong to them?

You can’t just say, ‘let’s not talk about it, let’s not play that game, let’s go and watch a film/go to a restaurant/go out witnessing.

Fuck me, you bloody can’t! (trans. I feel strongly about this and want to cry).

False Imprisonment

First posted 9.33 am UK time.

I can’t remember who does this now, but I know that Premier and other church broadcasters seem to do it.

They are making me believe that my neighbours in Bulgaria who have been showing knowledge of my situation in England without hearing it from me are Christians in touch with them and supported by them.  If that is true, this is a form of false imprisonment.  If it isn’t true and is a false suggestion, it is a form of inhibition and psychological imprisonment.

I often want to go to my neighbours, but, apart from the language problem which is a practicality I often forget, I don’t know where I stand with them or what is motivating their behaviour.

This really is psychological torture from everyone involved, and is deliberate, and illegal.  The policy seems to be hold her down, or make her THINK she is being held down, until she gives in and comes to us.  If she won’t come she’s a bad lot.

But for the invasiveness and breakdown in relationship, this house would be perfectly habitable.

Were Nick Clegg and David Cameron trying not to laugh in Parliament yesterday (1 hour in)?  It seemed to me that was why they looked so miserable, it was the only way they could not laugh.  Nick was suddenly sharp enough when someone called on his attention off left of screen.

Accepting the surreal makes idiots like me think they can do things they can’t, like walk out and sweep into No 10 or the palace, having easily secured the co-operation of those who could get them access, like the lovely reasonable policemen who would be on duty.  But of course we (the idiot brigade) can’t, and if we tried, even courteously, we would find ourselves stopped.  Maybe that is why there have been riots, because people have been acting on the impressions of surrealism.

I think trying to cajole me into humour in this situation is inappropriate.  They’ve known everything for years, including my efforts to be taken seriously in England.  If it IS about me (which it might not be), it seems to me that the only reason for their distress now is that another country is involved and aware of the situation.

Why can’t they ASK, directly?  Why can’t they say sorry?  Why do they rejoice and play with bits that I have written, but not make a proper and formal approach, and why can’t they do it openly instead of getting other agencies to act on their behalf, but not tell me that that is what is happening?  I am me, it appears they want me to be someone or something else.  Otherwise they could just tell me in an email or through the British Embassy what they wanted and ask me to come home so I can help them or whatever, if that is what they want.

I hold to this – if they can’t be open now, they won’t be open later.

Meanwhile sensitive people are locked up and tortured in the name of and with the aid of the mental health system.  For me, this is the beginning and the end and the middle of it.  That is where we start.  No change on that, then nothing to say, I’m afraid.

I know that seems unforgivably defiant, but have you seen the way they work?  This is nothing like an easy stance for me.  Both fear and responsibility keep me isolated and poverty keeps me limited.

And if I was stopped from boarding the plane because of ‘inelegance’ before, I am even more inelegant now, and still unable to cope with the stonewalling and every other manifestation of prejudice and discrimination.

I want to say yes, but the realities of the situation demand that I say no.

But if they really do want to talk to me as much as they seem to I feel honoured and privileged, and I hope that saying so might encourage them to approach me with a request rather than an appeal.

Edit note 11.59 am UK time:

Although I said I feel honoured and privileged, I have spoken as someone who has been a victim of collusion between the mental health system and other bodies, and as someone whose father committed suicide with this same experience at the end of his tragic life journey.  My sister also has had 3 children taken from her and been called mentally ill.

I said in an email to church leaders a few years ago, that I represented the victims of psychiatry.  I am not holding my country to ransom.  As I have said, they have known about this for years.  John Pantry, who also received the email, knows I have been sexually molested in church as a child, and even as an adult, because I said so in the email.  No acknowledgement of this has been made or any effort to redress it.

They posture as if they are the source of everything I say and therefore have a right to take what I say, either through my blog or hacking my computer and telephone calls, and put it all to the glory of the church and the government, and alternately whip me with my outsider status or invite me to join them.

There are many things about me that they have had no hand in and which have shaped me as a person in what I think and say.  This is rape all over again.  The morally impoverished stealing from the marginalised and disenfranchised. Taking the only means of survival of the people they destroy, making out they were bad neighbours but using what they do to strengthen the system.  Their system.  Please note.  Their system.  Not necessarily God’s system at all.

God the Holy System.

John Pantry, you are a monster.  You are a very, VERY evil person.  I’m listening to the recording, and what you were doing while I was writing this seems fairly obvious.

Haunted

I wonder, who probably ought not to, how many people we hail as great this, that or the other look haunted not because they are inspired, primarily, but because we are calling them great artists, for example, when they see what they do as simply doing what they have to do, because of who they are, and doing it never quite to their own satisfaction?

Or sometimes we say they are doing something well and it isn’t what they are trying to do, and they know that they are failing to achieve what it is they are actually about?

I don’t think there is anything worse than having what you know to be mediocre from yourself labelled as something good.  People crowding you and trying to make something good out of the fruits of your failure.

“This is a great this, that or the other”.  Maybe, but it’s not what I was trying to do.  Please don’t make me waste my life promoting something that is short of or other than my intention, just because YOU are comfortable with it.

I think the haunted look can be, “this is what they want from me, or this is what they are happy with, but it’s not what I want.  Please don’t praise me.  Help me or let me achieve what I want to.  Please don’t invalidate my disappointment”.

Disappointment with yourself and your achievement can be a really lonely thing.  It embarrasses other people and makes them impatient.  Or people grasp at the unfinished and unpolished article as if it is the best thing ever, and force a limitation on you, because their satisfaction level is lower than your own.  Or they’re just grabbing at YOU.  They don’t care WHAT you want.

I Am These People’s Prey

They are parading past, bombarding me with noise.  I was going to say literally stalking me like a pack of animals, but decided that wasn’t accurate.  The shouters, the bangers, the backturners, the biker.  Every day, deliberately revving up outside my house, sometimes several times a day, the other day 3 times in 5 or 10 minutes.  It feels very much like Cockermouth.  It’s disgusting.  I feel sick and I want to cry.

They know I want them to go to the police.  They won’t go.  First they have to take possession of me.  I have said to them, ‘Tormoz ne dobre.  Politzyata dobre.  Villi (girl across the road) Sandanski police.  Go politzyata.  Ne tormoz Anglichanka.  Tormoz criminal’.  ‘Ne tormoz Anglichanka.  Anglichanka go. Tormoz Bulgari.  Go politzyata.’

They want my voice.  They copy it.  Every time it starts coming back to me psychologically someone cries out, sometimes in anger, sometimes in mockery, sometimes in affected innocence.  I am so afraid.

This is not a personality thing.  It is not a hierarchical thing.  It is not a mental health thing.  It is a criminal thing and a demonic thing.  It always has been, both here and at home.  And the children are as bad.  The energy is foul.  It isn’t me.  It’s them.  it’s you.  You do nothing, except manipulate and bombard.  All your invitations are subliminal, and therefore controlling.  What you have done to me is criminal.  You have no right to that.  No right to me.  No right to my spirit.  No right to my words and work which you stole from my computer, parliamentarians.  Taking spirits by force and deception is occultism.  It is a disgusting, filthy disease and is a form of murder.  Your shiny faces and fine manners are the paint on the grave of dead men’s bones, and your namesakes the perfume poured on a rotting corpse.

Thus says The Lord, and that trumps The Lady any day.

Cf Book of Amos, Bible.

Nigel Slater – Uninformed Response

If this man is married, he has no right to be so sexy on the telly.

Wow! 🙂

No Agenda

Just because I want to write and this is the last thing that has happened, and it was a first for my time here.

I’m wondering if I just received a death threat, or if what just happened is a normal part of life in a country village.

One of the men that shouts just came by, and within 5 minutes I heard 3 gunshots.

I’ve heard guns are used for killing rats and things like that.  I’m sure I don’t really find it funny and that it is just nerves that made me laugh.  I put the shout and the gunshots together and decided that both were meant for my attention.

8.10pm UK time

And Again, I Have to Ask, Why?

OK, call me deluded if you like, but last night (this morning) I spent 5 hours writing an email to my MP’s senior caseworker, and today there is another withhold of news programmes, BBC News At One, and The Daily Politics.  I have never known The Daily Politics to be so late.  It seems obvious to me that they are hiding something from someone or trying to keep someone off balance.  I always feel as if it is me, and that is why I find their output so difficult to respond to, if that is what I am supposed to do.  I wonder if someone is putting pressure on the BBC and it is not their own choice?  There’s a thought I haven’t had before.

Word of the moment: melifluous.  Everybody is doing it.  I just watched last night’s Newsnight.  Have a watch for yourself.  I can’t believe what I am having to watch.  It is outrageous and awful.  What I am being subjected to psychologically leaves me feeling as if my tongue has been torn out.  To people here I can’t speak, because I don’t speak the language, and in many other contexts I daren’t speak, for reasons I daren’t speak of.

Strictly Come Dancing

Sometimes I have to wash my ears out, not so I can hear, but to get rid of what I have heard.

We’ve been here before, they are accusing me of sexually molesting a child, and saying I’m out (see the end of the show).  Even if it were true, what they are doing and how they are doing it is completely indecent and cruel.   I know the situation they are talking about, and I don’t know how they got hold of it.  As I said in my earlier post in the week, they seem genuinely concerned, so I have assumed they are getting information officially.  Now though, I can’t believe that is true.  I don’t know who is feeding it to them.

That’s it.  No role call of names today.  If they try and push this any further I WILL role call.  I might anyway.  This has been constant through the media for years towards me.  It is grossly unfair and indecent.  And right now I don’t care how they feel about me saying so.  Bruce, Tess, and whoever else – that’s enough.  I’m warning you.  This is savage, you are doing all you can to make me feel disempowered and violent.  With this sort of thing coming at me, how else am I supposed to feel?

I think their idea might be to get my blog deleted.

PS  Guess who decides whether or not you are pushing it. 😐

This Is How You Cry In Smiley World

😥

She looked sickly sheepish, didn’t she, all the time they were talking?  You have to feel a bit sorry for her, programmes like that are their own form of torture.

I thought she was looking that way about me, because they were talking about waterboarding, and I used a metaphor in a post a few days ago about having my head held under water until I tried to scream.  Everyone knows, obviously, that when you are under water you can’t scream.

But this morning I woke up and thought, ‘who set me up to think they were talking about me?  The presenter.  Teresa May really MIGHT not even know I exist, so why should I attribute anything about her to thoughts she is having about me?

But she has been looking that way ever since I started blabbing.  That is why I think there is something in it.

And following my post, ‘Note to my 16 and a half stone self’, she somehow made leaflets, which she repeated 3 times, sound like Lil-lets, which used to be my choice, and followed it up with firm stuff about going too far, crossing the line, being stopped. They do this all the time, grab hold of something really sensitive and personal and go into a strict, scolding tone to put a limitation on me.  I’m always unprepared for it, I never quite believe it when it comes, and it always leaves me feeling, ‘hey, you can’t do that’, or worse.  I can almost hear them saying, ‘if you don’t come to us we are going to keep doing this’.  Who knows that if I go to them they will find stronger ways to do that in a face to face relationship?  DA! (Bulgarian for yes).

I love Jesus, and I know I’m a bit of a stupid person, but if my life is being stalked and has been stalked in this way, I do want it stopped.  I also want the way the mental health system works challenged, because when people present saying things like this they are put on medication for paranoia.  It isn’t just the reaction of society that is injurious, it is everything, and sometimes everyone, that goes before it.

I no longer go into a situation telling people I have a mental health diagnosis.  The law doesn’t require me too, and that is right.  And yet, even though I choose not to disclose things I’m not under an obligation to and relate as positively and normally as possible, people, even here 2000 miles away, is it, start hitting me with words and snippets there is no way they could know unless someone is telling them.  And I know what I’ve heard and seen on the radio and television, here and elsewhere.  Everything is fine for a day or two, then people start going crazy around me, and at me.

I don’t know how long the stalking has been going on, but my whole life has been like this and my dad thought there was something happening.  I wonder if what I am getting is a continuation of what was going on with him.  I don’t understand why they would want to do it, though.  Not if it goes all the way back to my dad.  He had performance connections, I’m not sure how strong, I think they were in his family.  I haven’t seen them since before I was 10 years old, well before.  They disowned him at one point, he spent time in an approved school.  As far as officials are concerned, maybe they just decided we are a bad family.  My sister has had 3 children taken away from her.

Violence and Aggression Towards Women

Something has sparked this post, but I won’t say what.

If a woman who has been harshly treated says she hates those who have treated her that way, especially if it is a government agency, the expression of hatred shouldn’t be seen as an excuse for further aggression and control or an indication that she might be violent.  Nor should it make members of the agency afraid, rather it should make them more sensitive.  Sometimes hatred is a valid feeling, and the only way to begin to help the situation is to say that it exists.

That isn’t amoral, modern day liberalism (and not all liberalism is amoral, and liberalism isn’t bad, any more than conservatism.  It depends what you are being liberal or conservative about).

The Bible says that flattery is bad, and that he who hides his hatred has lying lips.

If the mistreatment continues, it is totally inappropriate to turn to the person and say, ‘you shouldn’t be so open about opposing them, then’.  If a person’s feeling is valid, you should be corrected by it, not threatened.

Every job involves relationships.  All relationships are to be handled with care and respect.

Note To My 16 1/2 Stone Self

Crikey, you couldn’t even wipe your own backside or insert a tampon!

Happy Days.

Well done.  You’ve done good to get this far.  I love you.  Keep going, wonderwoman.

I haven’t been in prison yet.  I’ve been on a mental ward.  I have a theory I’d rather be in prison, but if they too insisted on treating me as mentally ill, then I’d rather have neither!

I haven’t been in prison, but you hear stories about brutality.  I think if that was sorted out, if there were different criteria for choosing prison staff, handling the issue of voting, whatever the positon, might be a lot easier?

Does it matter whether you can vote or not if the rest of your life is made miserable and you live in fear of violence and intimidation?  Is fear a teacher?  Is it a good teacher?  Should that KIND of fear be seen as a teacher?

Complete switch of train of thought here.  The Old Testament says that it should.  Without further study this poses a problem to me, because it seems to me that if we accept that position, we offer carte blanche to religious terrorism.  Not every religion accepts that there is a New Testament, and in practice we ourselves would rather have the Old.  For ourselves.

I had been thinking about that for a while before a saw Newsnight the other night, about the bishops defecting to the Catholic Church because they didn’t accept women bishops.  The woman felt the same about religion and women.

The BBC (that’s all I do at the moment, maybe I need to expand my horizons?) keeps pulling programmes before their official expiry time.  Last Thursday’s Chris Evans Show is supposed to be available until 9.35 am UK time, and it is already not there.  This happens all the time, especially with news programmes.  Sometimes days before due, and sometimes they don’t appear at all, although they are normally available.

Kiril and His Family

Their idea of strength is to come out and make a loud bang if I start singing with any freedom.  It works for them.  They look the ticket while I’m left a wreck who can’t stand up for myself when other people spit and perform antics in my direction and call me sick in the head.  Is someone putting them up to this?  Who?  The police, the church, their government?  Who?  The same government that has been, with full knowledge, making sure my benefits were maintained, and have now cut them?  So it appears, anyway.  Now I’ve said this, if I know anything about them, it will be in my account tomorrow, and they will say it was a system hold up.  I wonder if the last time they said that, when I phoned to ask, that also was a set up?  I wish I hadn’t said anything.  They are now forearmed.  At least if I had stayed silent I could have mounted a proper approach to it.  What’s more, parliament have been talking about it in code all afternoon.   I’ve been an hour and a half behind them.  They set a hedge around Ian Paisley as well, and said in code something about making sure nothing was allowed out over the next few days while I wait to see if the payment appears.  Shame.  I was interested to see how they would handle it.  If they would be able to cover their consternation.  Even if they can’t, the family next door keeps dropping rocks in my womb.  That’s how it feels.  No one is having me through code on those terms.

OK, I will spell it out.  I was opposed to the war with Iraq.  Passionately and vehemently.  Crime has been dogging my own activities now for years, and when I’ve become distressed about it, I’ve been put in hospital.  People in the last government were watching me but not contacting me – memorable incident with Harriet Harman and the floorboards, whether she was told by the merchant or got the information through computer hacking.  I appreciated her emotion, but emotion not acted on is not enough.

They have namesakes of my life employed in high office and in the forces.  Etc.  Now it appears that Al Quaeda is targeting places like the airport in the East Midlands 2 weeks after I started watching the news programme from the region, and suddenly it is, please come, it’s an emergency.

Sorry.  What do you think I can do for you?  What has changed?  The numbers involved, and that it is now part of your war?  What?

For me nothing has greatly changed.  It’s not my war.  It never was.  And when I don’t listen to you, I am not afraid.

Now about my benefits . . . .

I know for definite that you can ask ken livingstone.  he made sure my winter fuel payment was made, or something along those lines.

Boris Johnson said ‘Ping Pong’s coming home’ when the airport staff used inelegance and the fact that I was smelly as an excuse for not letting me fly.

Simon Hughes has always appeared if I’ve said something significant.

Other people also, who have moved me by their emotion, have assured me in other ways, even though living here is still like living in a concentration camp with sadistic guards next door.

I went in the shower this morning, after days of not having got there in time to have privacy, and the girls were all of a flutter, and while I was in there somebody kept tapping every time my thought lifted freely, and when it became obvious that I was close to tears Kiril made a comment of some sort which I obviously didn’t understand linguistically.  And the guys in Parliament are picking up on me in the same way.  That’s why I wonder if my neighbours are acting under official instructions.

My music has finished now and suddenly I feel silly talking like this, but I know what I know, and so do others.  That Presbyterian guy in Parliament, he knows.  The little one with the white hair.  I think he understands and that he doesn’t blame me.

Either the code was all in the Equitable Life debate, or I have just become a good business person who knows what they are talking about and that is the only connection.  Personally, I opt for code. 

It’s really thuggish.  One of them was talking about Sarah having lost her currency.  I get that one a lot.  Go on, David.  Go on, boy.  Fetch.

Gethsemane

I think that is the model for Christian leadership.  Peter struck one of the group that came to arrest Jesus with a sword, and cut his ear off.  Jesus told him to put his sword away, that they who live by the sword will die by the sword.  To me that is a clear statement that Christian leaders should not be using figures of force to defend themselves.  But somewhere else Jesus tells His disciples to takr a sword.  I don’t know how that fits.

I thought about it because in the first 5 minutes of Premier Breakfast today there was a lot of police raid type language, and John Pantry said ‘please’ as if he was saying ‘police’.  It came out as ‘polise’.

It reminded me of a programme I saw recently which featured some monks, Buddhist I think, who said they were separate from the state because otherwise people wouldn’t trust them.  I’m confused about what I think now, but in the past I have believed this to be the proper permanent state of affairs for Christian leaders.

Christians used to be killed for refusing to say ‘Caesar is Lord’, or something like that.  But it seems to me that by calling on secular authorities to help with church matters, that is exactly what we do, in action if not in word.  I wish we were like those Buddhist monks.  I wish we believed as much as we assert that we do.

I hope I’m not advocating a bullish and ignorant and arrogant separatism.  I was going to say, you can’t oppose and be an alternative to something you are dependent on.  But then I thought again.  That there are people who work from within the system to change the system, so maybe the best way is not to be separate, but to let the system kick you out if they don’t like you.  Or lock you up.  Or kill you.

And as I understand it, even dear Britain, does do all of those things.  In many ways the system itself is part of a bullish, ignorant and arrogant separatism.

Newsround 2

Straight in there, Sunali, nice one girl!  “Good to have you with us”, with a stubborn insistence on that slight shift in the perception of reality in your posture.  Although you are more with us, and we are not with you>  You come into our homes.  As you know, this has been my argument with Premier for a long time.  We are not with you, we bring you in to us.  That is most people’s perception of things.

The little guy, of course, knew nothing about my having watched Blue Peter yesterday and seen the interview with the Harry Potter star?  And the way the dog, a look alike of my neighbour’s dog, started barking, as dogs so often do when people mess with occultism?  And the way he mimicked the way I would have had to say, “I think that is great”, rather than give myself to the expression of the emotion because it would have been too overwhelming for me?  And everyone was uncomfortable, or at least the Harry Potter star was.

I’m going to ask as if I’m going to get an answer, little fella, which I know I’m not, but why are you doing this?

I didn’t miss the fact that when the guy with the prosthetic limb came on a few weeks ago and said that a pink one would have been too false, he got right to the heart of the pretense that is being presented to children by yourselves, the really toxic and hateful mix in its criminality, and that Orei and his co-presenter both registered extreme feelings of vulnerability and feeling exposed.  Her face really fell.

And the Nintendo Wii – haha, yes, little boy, we all know what that is about, don’t we?  And DS – is that David Shearman?

If this is just a windup of epic proportions, it’s a really scummy thing to do.  But doing it you most definitely are.

Do you have kids of your own yet?  Would you like them drawn unawares into something like this against their grandparents’ generation?  I wonder if that sits as comfortably with you as this seems to.  Like, if it’s your own kids.  Or try another one.  If your grandchildren’s generation was being used to stalk you.  Sweetheart, I hope it comes.  I hope this comes back on you in later life and haunts your closing years.

WordPress is calling me a huffy girl now.  It’s the latest addition to Freshly Pressed.  I daren’t call them what I want to, they will close my blog.

You guys only care about making money and posturing as helpers to try and save your own necks.  I can’t say what I want to.  That is obviously a source of great joy and satisfaction to you, I am sure.  I’ve felt the knife being twisted on many occasions since starting this blog, hence the fact I get so desperate and upset, both on and off line.  I didn’t think I could find myself, as a really vulnerable person, being a subject of such a level of cynicism.

Hystrionics (See, I can’t even spell it!)

Simon, every time I have the energy of a thought come anywhere near me, someone shouts or bangs closeby.  Can you imagine what that feels like for someone who has been told they are mentally ill?  I have been as accurate as I can about how I feel, with hospital being constantly threatened and no one having officially removed the threat of violent intervention.  I am terrified as I type in that kind of situation.  And why are you coding at me?  Or am I misappropriating stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with me again?

It’s not only me I’m thinking about.  There are other people who are freaked out by this who also end up with no one prepared to say they believe them.  Why does it appear to me that I am now being heard and made a special case of, when there are so many others in the same position who can’t fight?  Would it be right of me to validate coded communication from an agency that has stalked me for years, and so say to others, ‘it’s OK’, when for them it might not be?  I don’t even know that it is for me.  This is a legal situation, at least in the greatest part, that needs a legal approach and solution.  If I respond to cuteness and desperation without really even knowing what is being said and to whom . . .

I’ve never really been one for responding to appealing stunts.  Now you are making me feel guilty about that.  It’s emotionally exhausting.

I started singing in my kitchen tonight.  My neighbour came out pointedly coughing, as he does so often.  I flipped.  It’s psychologically invasive.  I don’t even speak his language, but he dumps it all on me.  And the police have been nowhere near me.  If I don’t have the luxury of conversation, I should at least be allowed to sing.  This all just feels like self-pity, but I’ve got to where I can’t even sing now without having to include an obvious element of defiance just to be able to break the silence on my own terms at all.

No, No, No.

Edit after post:

Someone should so something about this.  They all know it’s happening, and my past experience with all of them tell me they are not above manipulating me to this point of hysterical fear and distress to get me back into hospital and back into violent, bullying physical situations if I don’t co-operate with what they want.  I was stupid.  I let them drag me to the end of the show with their contemptuous fast talk, contemptuous of everything which is real religion.  If I had stopped earlier they would probably have crumbled and begun to lose control of their hand as they so often do, and things start coming out then in a way I can grasp and work with.  (end of edit).

I recorded the Premier Radio Breakfast Show yesterday, but I started late deliberately because I didn’t want to be subjected to the pointed, accusing and condemning prayer John Pantry starts with.  It seems to me he made a confession yesterday, maybe even a double one.  First confession, he is hacking my computer and knew I had started recording late.  The second is connected, he actually started talking humorously about missing the pointed prayer, or he might have said dealing with it.

I have a little felt storyboard in my head, connecting Harriet Harman and the red rodent story to Chris Evans, him of the red hair until when?  He is suddenly blond, at least in last Friday’s The One Show.  In the week leading up to Harriet’s comment, at the exact times in his show that I had just finished writing something he spiritually went into my personality to say he could have ended up in hospital, in a way which carried menace.

So both of them knew about the coincidence of these things, so they are both hacking my computer?  Does that still need to be posed as a question?  Chris, the silly twit (but quite sweet really) acted out his guilt by changing his hair colour.  Did he INTEND to give himself away so completely?

They ARE bending the airwaves to hate me at times like this.  It happens time after time.

Hilarity all round, me thinketh.  😉

PS  I’ve just tuned in at 7:49, as John has just said, and they are twitting me.  Esther Higham twits my personality all the time.  She is his co-presenter.   Seething, hateful mockery, young lady.

Her name is composed of two elements which are significant to me.  When I first realised that my phone was being hacked, I started reading the Book of Esther from the Bible down the phone.  A lot of Esthers came out of the woodwork at that time.

The second part  is her surname.  Higham.  I used to live in Higham Road in Tottenham at the same time that I was part of North London Community Church, led by John Singleton, and there was another part of the church which was connected to Highams Park.

They are using the word ‘sophisticated’ a lot, but to them that is not a positive word.  They were taking names and rising in their tone of voice with them, holding them just out of my reach, like teasing a dog.  Then John spews the word ‘news’.

I know no one is on my side anymore, but this all started, for me, with a very savage cut that was made by the worship time presenter, Mark Seddon, saying ‘God will whip you severely’, which I think they tried to pass off, truthfully or otherwise, as having been meant for other media agencies which they saw as attacking them.  It has been an on air media war, and when you know it is extremely painful to listen to, especially when they are dragging you personally around in it, but refuse to answer your emails, knowing that what they have already done has caused you such distress they have put you in hospital.

He just said Esther and John with you until 9 o’clock as if he was telling Esther that he was with her – or comminicating to me that I am totally disfellowshipped and isolated?  Doug Harris of Reachout Trust did this as well, on Martin Mitchell’s programme, but when I phoned him he denied it.  Martin is no longer a part of Premier, but it was so pointed he must remember.  They were talking about witchcraft and Anton LaVey (LeVey?).  I know what you are doing, John and Esther.  The Lord rebuke you.

People are dying.  They are trying to make me believe it is because I was so angry at one point in my life that I urinated on the church steps.   [Edit: It  makes me hysterical to say this.  I’ve already been treated with complete contempt because of it and I think that putting it ‘out there’ will make that worse.  I think everyone thinks I am disgusting, and that a special level of repentance is required from me which they might believe is not possible and wouldn’t even want to happen.  They want me to feel sullied and under them for the rest of my life.  When I see and hear how they act, I want to be free from them, I want nothing to do with them.  But what they do makes me feel unforgivably wrong for that, both in heaven and on earth, for eternity.   I can’t, emotionally, believe I am not.  In spite of the fact they are stalking me they would insist as my leaders this is just my emotions not catching up with what is true in heaven and not even view what they are doing as criminal.  This is why I didn’t leave the Pentecostal church as a child.  In spite of the fact that my experience of it, at least while I was in the building, was often so loveless, they had told us that they were the only church which preached the whole truth and if we didn’t believe the whole truth we would go to hell.  I stayed because I didn’t want to go to hell.  What is making it hard for me with John is that I ‘know’ his voice.  I don’t know where that quality is coming from but it has just occurred to me it might be from someone other than himself that I don’t know about.  They are making my mind and emotions say yes when I want to say no, just by the personal material they are using.  Their methods are abhorrent to me, but they have done this to me for years, and to whom else can I go?  I’m 50 in 2 weeks.  And they have raped my mind, my soul and my spirit.  I feel I can’t relate to anyone else].  That is where the constant ‘wee’ references come from.  At that point I had already been put in a mental hospital as a result of their clandestine accusations and stalking.  I really want to hurt these people because it is obvious to me that that is what they are trying to do to me.  They are swearing at me in the most disgusting way, but it is all in Christianese.  No one who didn’t know WOULD know.  I was being blanked, people were shaking their heads at me in church, filing past to do it, leaders, and turning away, and silent.   It was shocking and horrible.  That might even have been before my first hospital admission, and therefore before I hit back in a way which was a product of deep distress and trauma and dislocation more than anything else.

I said to Robb Thompson a few years ago, ‘I will not bow’.  I meant to them, not to God.  Since then they have used these methods to try and make me bow to them.  These criminal, vicious methods.  Even though I have apologised.  I mention that because either Esther or John just said something about not bowing, and as I typed this sentence someone clicked something in the studio, like an auditory intervention.  They want to keep me strung out.  And she has just this second come back to refusing to bow, and talked about release, and ducked out into a song, as they often do when it gets too hot for them.  She sounds very sweet talking about release, and inviting, but if it’s an invitation to me, they are only seeing this at the moment by hacking my computer.  They’ve used Twila Paris at me before, as well.  Is she the one they used to harass me, who sang something about ‘this day is drawing to an end, we’re running out of time, my friend.  There is so much I want to say.  I wish you’d see that there is a way’, then when I turned up on their steps they denied knowledge.?

Someone has just ‘inexplicably’ banged on my gate and shouted aggressively.  Whether this is a result of computer hacking here or a spiritual manifestation, it is disturbing.  I feel I am being silly and should just put my head out and speak to them, but I don’t speak their language.  But maybe I’m still being silly.  They are trying to make me believe this is a dangerous area.  To me at the moment it seems to me it is more likely just to be an angry area, and not without reason.  But their anger IS violent, banging and shouting always on cue to keep me dispossessed of what I begin to see and be able to formulate.  They go to the police and the MEDIA talks about them having gone to the police, but the police don’t approach me, and their behaviour towards me continues.

I just realised why they are using voice manipulation on me, and as I did, John went strict, and Esther picked up on it by talking about Strictly Come Dancing, she gasped as she saw what I was writing, and went into strict herself.  Unless they are so sensitive they pick up on this without needing to use a machine.  It IS a possibility, they know I know that, and that is a silent part of their taunting. By excluding me from this knowledge they make me feel as if I will be excluded from everything spiritual if I try to fight them.  And the persuasion of that is all in the voice.

They are using the voice manipulation because, when I was particularly distressed, a girl at St Barnabas came up to me and started talking like an idiot in my face.  We were friends, and at that point I had just had enough, so I did her voice back at her.  The next thing I knew, Premier presenters had hold of it and were talking about ‘dirty Katies’ for dedications, (her name is Katherine).  Esther has just placed her voice piping above me, trying to knock this out of my hands, and now she is laughing, pretending it is part of her conversation, and has set a deadline, knowing I want to finish this before they go off air.  I’ve been here before.  Or are they just keeping themselves going?  C S Lewis wrote a book called ‘That Hideous Strength’.  Just saying.  That’s what it reminds me of.  I can’t remember if I have read the book.

‘Dirty Katies’ was put to rest for years.  They have recently resurrected it.  But the awfulness of it is, knowing I am an extremely disturbed and vulnerable person, they have been weaving at me with the same thing they thought was so awful in me, for years (if they DID think it was awful).  If they think it was awful from me, what is it from them, mixed as it is with criminal stalking and taunting?  And anyway, leaders at St Barnabas had done exactly the same thing to me before that.  I didn’t realise it was supposed to be an aspect of relating which is only available to leaders.  At this point I don’t care if I’ve misunderstood.  This HAS been my understanding, and I shouldn’t have been kept in this position for years of having my head held under the water until I try to scream.  I shouldn’t have been put there in the first place.  John has just taken the controls again and said the lines are closed.  These people are complete bastards.  That is a Biblical term.  In its context it is not swearing.  Natch.

They are deliberately taking advantage of the fact that they know I believe I have no support anywhere, and no rights in any relationships.  That is particularly cruel, and because it is so obviously deliberate, if they DON’T realise that, we are in very dangerous hands.

They are sounding casual, but they are using a casual sounding vehicle to carry criticism and accusation, and making sure they are always just out of my reach.  Brian Reid, R T’s assistant at Westminster Chapel, did exactly the same thing to me physically once, stopping just short of physically dragging me around the courtyard on my hands and knees.  John, and Esther, I am breaking the frame, I am saying to you, you are unforgivable, and I wish I had not bothered with this and just broken the frame before.  You are disgusting, and had I done it before I could have seen you crumble, as you should.  The Lord, and your authorities, and common public decency, rebuke you.  As I know they do.  They are talking at a rate of knots.  It’s wrong and deliberate.  They’ve dragged me out to the end of their complete fucking programme, and done it with glee and deliberateness.  You scummy cunts.  And now Esther, this savage little bitch, this Christian mother, is taunting me because she knows I am afraid that if I post this this way, with the swearing and everything, my blog will be deleted.  But they have deliberately pushed for this.  They are going for my emotions and trying to make me believe they belong to them.  They don’t.  They have stirred them up and kept them alive by torture and stalking for years, over a decade.  They have appropriated my real sweetness to themselves and left me with their poison, and are making me feel there is no recovery without them.  John’s barefaced lying about freedom of speech and everything, even while he is reading this post before it is even posted, if it isn’t criminal, it should be enough to have him relieved of his Christian position and duties.  They fooled me with a false finish.  I saw 10:49 (here) as 10:59.  They want the power over my physical voice.  As a singer they know how closely that is related to the rest of me, and that if I don’t have the power of my own voice, that with all the other torture will be enough to incapacitate me and drive me mad.  Are they trying to teach me a lesson about insisting I am right and everyone else is wrong?  Do criminals have the right to teach that kind of lesson?  But in this no one could be more wrong than them, and no one could be more right than me.  I hurt all over and I feel sick.  There idea of ‘God’s generals’ is a man with a bull neck built like a tank.  That is the energy they are opposing against me now.  They want me to break and cry tom them, then they will heal me.  I want that too.  But if I don’t let them do that to me, they’d rather have me put in a mental hospital.

They’re shouting me down all the time.  If anyone terminates my blog because of this, then a plague on all your houses.  My emotion reached out to WordPress, to ask them to support me by keeping this blog active, and as it did, John and Esther opposed it.  I had this before, at Christmas, when I got to the end of my street to find myself faced with a pack of dogs which looked as if it might attack, and silently said, ‘Lord help me’, and as I did and continued to walk straight towards them they broke up and slunk off.  When I got home and listened to the recording, at exactly that time Dave Rose had opposed my prayer, then he seemed to realise what the situation had been, said it was a ‘Christian scream’, but he was very embarrassed and awkward in a way which accepted no responsibility and spent the rest of the programme trying to recover his own ground.

This also is a Christian scream, but I feel like a guilty and embarrassed dog that can’t meet anyone’s eyes, having been stared down and punished by so many guilty and defiant people.  WordPress is doing it too.  That’s why asking for help and for them not to delete my blog isn’t simple once the original impetus has been taken from me.  I’m going to seek solace and reordering of my mind in a nice cup of Ceylon tea.  Don’t do anything I don’t want you to do while my back is turned.  If you’re going to delete my blog or any part, let me save or migrate it first.  That is reasonable in any circumstances, and not to allow that in a situation like this would be inhuman.  It is that kind of action which drives desperate people to desperate things.  In my own case I am only thinking in terms of suicide, sooner or later.  Or the rest of my life lived in unbearable pain.  You need to consider that before you commit the cyber murder of deleting someone’s blog without notice and not letting them have a copy of what is theirs and might be legally essential for them to have.  That is taking the law into your own hands.  I should not have to beg and plead to not be deleted.

Newsround

Gross.  Yes, they’re involved, yes, they know what they are doing, and no, it’s not OK.  If they know, as they try to give the impression of doing, what I have to deal with here, they know they are contributing to profound psychological bullying.  I’ve had men belching anger out here tonight trying to appear undirected (but I can’t challenge them anyway).  I’ve had people hanging arond outside listening to my computer while I had the news on.  I’m so smashed I attract spirits like viruses.  They belch anger and walk away, leaving me feeling it, and that twit knowingly does a loud shout Strictly Come Dancing impression?  The word insolent comes to mind.  I’m 50 years old, young man.  How old is your mother?

No one is going to get what they want out of me that way.  Even if they take me by force, it will be impossible.  It’s psychological assault and battery.

Once again, until I watched that, I was able to give a reasoned account of my position.  You might be gagging for it, you little whippersnappers, but it’s not coming your way.  Waterworks and all.

I know people are dying.  So do you.  I’ve been saying so for ages.  Your behaviour in such circumstances is, frankly, outside of the bounds of decency.  And I’m not sorry for saying so.  If it is for anyone to apologise, it is you.  Your behaviour is disgusting to any but the most depraved and dishonest.

Dear Strictly

I am culturally disorientated, being taunted by UK media every month about losing my house, and traumatised by so many other things that are or have been a part of my life experience.

It would be lovely to watch the TV and veg out and relax, maybe self-correct over some of the things I think.  Instead I find you talking about something that has happened here just 3 or 4 hours before your show.

Right, first of all, I’m angry.  I don’t need minders.  You get me?  Especially not illegal ones, even if you mean well.  None of this rubbish would be happening to me if you were not doing this, and I assume that because, to me, you are so obvious about it, the police and other authorities must be backing you in it?

Although you seem lovely, the stuff you said was ambiguous and has caused me, yet again, crippling anxiety where I felt I was back at a place in myself that I could cope and begin to move forward positively.  You leave me so angry that, where I felt I could begin to relax and trust the place and myself, I feel dislodged again to such an extent that I wish I could get away.  You have hurt me deeply in every way, including in my mind and in my ability to cope.  The feeling of a need to hit ot in anger again at the slightest noise is back, where before watching your programme I was much calmer and more in control.  I would love to let these kids near me, but when you get me in this state, whatever progress I have made in the way I see the situation, I believe it wouldn’t be possible.  It would hurt all of us more than the way we are relating now.  It would certainly hurt me.

I AM traumatised, I AM stuck somewhere as a result of the use of hypnosis on me without my consent, I CAN think sensibly once the crisis has passed, but without what you are doing it wouldn’t BE a crisis, it would only be a drama, and that would be good.

You’re doing this, and then you try to hide it so the public don’t catch on, and to do so you switch.  My psyche is too open to be able to cope with that.  And it would be better for all of YOU not to be doing it as well.

I know the way you use statements like ‘they will be dealt with according to our laws’, consequently I don’t know who you are talking about and you have made me afraid.  But I and those I love should not be having to deal with this kind of commentary on the media anyway.  If you would leave us alone we would be OK.  First of all, I don’t know if I would have this kind of local attention without your – sorry for this – interference, but if I did I think we are all nice and sensible enough to ride the culture clash storm and come together in a better way.

I thought myself afterwards, maybe stupidly on reflection, I don’t know, that the ain culprit is just a really nice kid who is doing his best with his own language limitations to say that he likes me.  He crossed himself outside my window, and I just looked over him into the distance, desperately wanting them to stop and at the end of my tether.  When he saw my desperation he looked ashamed.  I felt ashamed myself afterwards.  Stop means stop but they do push, but maybe they just think they are being persistent and that that is a good thing.

All of you, please stop it.  I HAVE asked for normal contact on numerous occasions.  I cannot imagine why you would rather do this than give it to me.

I would love to know what is going on there.  I saw Jimmy Mistry in tears and I was upset myself.  While I accept I could have read too much into it, I think I probably didn’t.  Also I liked Peter Shilton’s penguin, and Ann is a scream and a great performer.

If these kids ever come into my house, I will never hurt them.  I’m more concerned that they might hurt me.  But really I’m not even that.  They might be pushy with questions I don’t want to answer and that wouldn’t be helpful.  That is more of a concern to me.

But as I said, after having felt I’d made a little progress today, I’m now back in a place where I’m not coping with things that may or may not be innocent.  And that . . . is torture.

In the Book of Common Prayer one of the prayers in the order of service for Holy Communion reads:

“We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs which are under Thy table.  But Thou art the same Lord, Whose Nature it is always to have mercy.  Grant us, therefore, gracious Lord, so to eat of the flesh of Thy dear Son, Jesus Christ, and to drink His Blood, that we may evermore dwell in Him, and He in us”.

Autumn in Bulgaria

It’s 6th November, and it’s 21°C here.  How megatastic is that?

Rights and Privileges

The first time I heard someone say that if you commit a crime you lose all your human rights it was from James Whale.  I didn’t believe he meant that and I thought he said it deliberately with all his characteristic bile (this is how they pitch at that particular audience), in full knowledge of the fact that there is a difference between rights and privileges.  If you believe in human rights they must be inalienable.  You never stop being a human being, no matter what.   I was very concerned last night to see the director of Liberty unable to counter that argument.  She appeared to be at a loss. 

Before people talk about replacing the European Human Rights Bill with a Citizen’s Rights ruling for the UK, I wonder if the people who want to do that also want to invalidate the fact that it was largely, if not entriely, the UK that drafted the Human Rights Bill in the first place. 

Giving an undeserving person in prison the vote along with the deserving does no harm.  They can only vote for what the law allows.  So I say, if a party is illegal in nature, you should not allow it to stand for election.  You can’t blame the voters if you as the decision makers will not take that stand.  It isn’t fair to whip the populace for choosing something you have allowed to be on offer.  If what is considered legal is seen as a democratic ruling, then it is up to those in power to take the responsibility to uphold that ruling, and barr what is illegal.  Please stop having whinging public arguments about it.  It seems fairly clear to me 🙂  (Erm, excuse me, aberrant and ignorant 5 minutes).

Denying the vote to a deserving prisoner at the same time as denying it to an undeserving prisoner, though, can indeed cause a lot of harm.

I say that whoever is against this European ruling is wrong, and needs their human competence examined.  Look at the recording.  Look at the hatred that flares up in the eyes of the woman who positions herself against it.  That is what I personally find horrifying every time I meet it.  It’s witch hunt, scapegoat stuff.  It’s a nasty, irresponsible loosing of base, blind passions to make decisions about how we are to govern ourselves.  That is validated every day by politicians and media.  So everyone thinks they have a right to relate out of those passions in every day life, even if they hold power.  Guys, are you trying to get us to self-destruct?  Is that your aim and goal? Because it most certainly looks like it from where I am.

OK first impressions of last night’s show, but drawing on stuff I’ve known for ages.

Jack Straw introduced control orders.  I didn’t know that.  I also didn’t realise until fairly recently that I had been the subject of a limited(?) control order, although actually I think mine was more pernicious than what they say a full control order is, there was a denial that it was happening, and I kept being put in a mental hospital, and the media was on my case.  So while I did not have the physical accoutrements of a full control order – tagging, curfew (I had the phone and computer monitoring and probably hidden surveillance in my flat, even though I had my own sweep done for bugging devices and they said it was clean.  I asked about conflict of interests and everything and I knew they sold their services to bigger interests than mine, and if they were told to say they hadn’t found anything, that’s obviously what they would have done.  Maybe they took a chance on the probability that I wouldn’t conduct my own.  They also said that bugging devices are obvious.  I don’t know.  I have no experience or knowledge.) I did have those things effectively imposed by psychological means.  Unless I am exalting myself beyond measure.  Maybe I really am just a woman who has fallen by the wayside in the same normal, humdrum way as many others, and at this stage of my life I want someone to blame.  All I intend to say on this is, if I was subject to a control order, I was far too distracted to understand that that was what was happening to me, and everyone else in positions of immediate power in my situation affected by the media involvement was too busy playing hide and seek and blame the psycho to even think of involving me in what was happening at an early stage, even though they knew it was and I was open about the fact that I knew it was.  I just saw it as stalking.  I knew nothing of control orders.  The authorities didn’t want to know, I saw it as obviously criminal, and I had no one to turn to.

Some other things about Jack Straw.  I used to see this as just a winsome serendipity, but there is a pub in Hampstead called Jack Straw’s Castle (unless it has closed, I heard something to that effect).  When I was at college (when the degrees were handed out I was the last one on the platform because I got the lowest degree of my section, it’s not even honours), I spent a year obsessing over an essay on Thom Gunn, an English Poet who moved to California in America.  He has a book of poetry called Jack Straw’s Castle, named after one of his poems.  Jack Straw’s Castle was his local pub.  He died a few years ago.  The part of the essay title that got me was, ‘Wherever I am, I am what is missing’.  I didn’t have to use Thom Gunn’s poetry, but it is a quotation from one of his poems, and I did use his poetry.  It felt at the time like a very deep experience for me.  It took all my time and energy that year (worrying about it and working it) and I got nothing else done.  That’s why I didn’t even get Honours.  I think most of my essays were 2.1/2.2 standard.

Here, for me, is the heavy part about Jack Straw, the politician (These guys are asking for my surrender, and I am a surrender monkey.  This goes against the grain for me, and against my conscience).  He is a consumate actor.  He is doing my uncle to a tee.  The hunched-overness, the facial expressions, the vocal patterns and expressions.  At the beginning of the programme last night, he hunched over his notebook writing whatever in a way totally reminiscent of my uncle hunched over his racing form book.  But there was guilt flashing around all over that studio last night. Watch him carefully, and you will see he sometimes loses the act and straightens up physically and poshes/intellectuals out in his bearing and air.

I believe, from the last time I was with my uncle, that he is having the same problems I am.  I do not know how Jack Straw has got hold of this impression of my uncle, but from what they were saying about control orders last night, it made me think my uncle has also been a subject of surveillance.  I may be wrong.  That’s where the ‘invading family life’ bit of my post title comes in.  My uncle’s name is Frank.

Liberty was also represented there.  I have written to them twice since I have been here.  The first time I got an answer saying that it wasn’t the kind of thing they dealt with, and the second time I got no answer.  I had asked to be put in touch with Shami Chakrabarti.  I had seen her apparently being worked over, so it looked to me at the time, by Jeremy Paxman.  To me it is obvious that she is aware of my communication.  She didn’t appear to be thinking very clearly last night on the subject of votes to prisoners, for a human rights campaigner.  perhaps i have given her more credit than she is due.  As someone who has had some teaching on how to read literature and presentations, and as someone who has been involved in performance arts, I think I can say that I know they were working the audience.

I’ve only watched the programme once so far, but she was giving the performance of her life.  When she adopted the little girl lost tone when she said, ‘what, all of them?’, over the loss of rights in prison, the audience was right there with her.  There was a definite, sympathetic attention shift.  And that is what they were looking for.  The dictat is ‘keep smiling, keep talking’, but all the time your mind is working and you know what you are looking for, at least, that is how it was last night, I am fully convinced and sure.  And what it said to me was that, if the audience is in any way representative, our politicians and rulers have broken the hearts of our nation.  So I’m not alone after all. 

That will do me for now.

Nick Clegg

I like you.  Please be a liberal.  Stand up for liberal values.  Don’t be walked over and made anxious.  I don’t like to see you like that.

DC said he ‘had to say’ it made him feel physically sick.  I’m not sure what he meant by that or, if it’s true that it makes him feel sick, why it does.

I DON’T have to say that.  I’m an obscure person that no one knows who only risks her own life if she says the wrong thing in front of the wrong people.

We all know that some people are in prison through a miscarriage of justice, even those accused of the most shocking crimes.  Depriving prisoners of the vote just because they are in prison removes the acknowledgment that there is that margin of error.  If you remove the vote from prisoners, it is the ones who would benefit from the ability to vote who would suffer.  Those wrongly deprived of their freedom do not also need to be deprived of their basic human rights, whatever we believe those are.  In prison you lose privileges, not rights.

I believe, and maybe the prison system already works this way, that what you lose you should have the chance to regain, in terms of privileges.

The right to vote, or to decide not to, could be a valuable part of someone’s rehabilitation.  To remove it is punitive, and I think there is a difference between that and a legal imposition of punishment.  It also increases the sense of not being a part of society and breaks the possibility of establishing or maintaining what could be called good and helpful allegiances.

And let’s face it, there are plenty of undeserving people outside of the prison system who still assume they have the right to vote just because it is still legally in their power.

I’m worried about a government that takes this kind of attitude to a change in the law with regard to the human rights of someone without freedom of movement.  If the law changes and has to be implemented, the Prime Minister should not be saying that it makes him sick, he should be standing behind it, or at least be disinterested enough to acknowledge that it needs to happen.  His present stance endorses, at least tacitly, any ill-treatment or bullying by prison staff of prisoners who choose to vote.

David Cameron, please think again about your position.  Anyone informed and interested enough to have the information at hand would be able to reel off case after case of people who have been acknowledged to have been wrongly imprisoned.

But you know what?  In a sense, I don’t care.  I don’t want to be a human rights activist.  I want time to enjoy my new found freedom.  I don’t really care.  I just felt I had to say something.  Even though it HAS all been said before.

As for prison, if you want me in one, put me in one, don’t make the world my prison or effectively stand by letting other people.  If I’m free, show me.  If I’m not, arrest me.  One or the other, please.  Don’t just play with words etc.  That’s not fair.

Thank you.

“This is not a job for decent people”

That’s why it doesn’t attract any, Anita.  I heard you say that on your show, The Daily Politics.  You had to work at batting your eyelids today.  Great Gypsy Rose Lee impression.  It isn’t a job for decent people.  You seem to be enjoying it, though.  Or you would do it straight, and you don’t.  You disgust decent people.  And I don’t mean me, though I’d be happy to be included.

It’s called mental cruelty, where I come from.  And it might not be the same place as you, even if we have spent our lives next door to each other (edit after criticism: I’m not talking about geography, race or culture).  The law goes easier on people who resort to violence under provocation, doesn’t it?  At least, it used to.

By the way, there IS a mug.  There are even TWO, aren’t there?

There is an interesting thing going on linguistically and tonally with you guys.  All of you that use media.  it used to happen to me face to face, I lived in fear of it all the time in my flat.  You start nice (natch), you draw me out with things I’m interested in, then you turn it round at the end and start talking in firm tones about authorities and medicine.

You are a very naughty and frightened girl doing as much damage as you possibly can while you still have the camera on you.  The people you want to do the most damage to are the people who, but for the torture and psychological abuse you subject them to, would be best able to tear off your mask and testify effectively.

You’re not on your own, but it’s the affectation of innocence I can’t stand.  How can you be achieving anything good for society if you are so cruel, unreal and dishonest yourself?  Not to mention your family.  Sorry to go to such depths, but that is because I am myself a deep and sensitive thinker who reserves the right to be as free in my expression as you are in yours.

You all seem to be suggesting that the house I am living in is going to be taken away from me.  Even if that wasn’t true, it might now be possible that you have fried my brain so much with your cruelty that that will be the end result.

You scum, the lot of you.  I mean it.  My soft feelings are because I am decent, not because YOU are.

I don’t believe that what is happening to me here came from any government.  It came from the media.  This has been a media operation.  The government had to get involved.  That’s what I believe about Bulgaria.

I have no home in England.  Only a housing association basement flat in a row of terraced houses, which has become for me a prison.  If any of you think I’m going back there you have another think coming.

This is the link to the recording on BBC iPlayer.  It should be available until about 11.30 tonight, but I’m not sure, as the availability information on the site is inaccurate.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00vn1d0/Question_Time_28_10_2010/

Please download it and you will have it for another 30 days, thereabouts.  Or record it, using whatever device you have.  I use Replay Media Catcher from Applian.com.  It doesn’t always catch immediately, when it does you will know because it will have ‘mp4’ in the streaming information.  Until then it isn’t capturing.  I don’t know if it is the device or my computer.  You need to refresh the page to start again.

The reason I am drawing your attention to this is that it features the historian I wrote about in my first post in May, Simon Schama.  He is now the advisor to the government on the teaching of history.  Given that he, along with his media colleagues, have been involved in a political cover up, I personally find this concerning.

I will edit this later with the original audio I managed to capture from that programme 6 months ago, if at that point my blog still exists.  I am anxious to get this posted now though, so that those of you following my blog, if you are reading before you go out to work or whatever (I’m sure there must STILL be some people who approach the day that way), you might be able to get this copied or downloaded or at least have all day to be ready to do so.  I think it is important.  I have been aware of enough involvement around myself, or involving myself, at least, to believe this is significant for reasons this particular blog has not made you aware of, though I still have the copies from my Premier blog which was closed down.

Please take this seriously and get the recording.  I will add more later.  If you are outside of the UK you will need to acquire a UK computer number, it’s called unlocking your VPN.  It is completely legal, as is everything else I have suggested in this post, according to the people who sell it.  Enter the terms in a search engine and find what suits you.  There are some which specify that they unlock iPlayer, among other things.  I suggest you make sure you know this before you purchase.  The company I use has a download cap of 2gb per day, though you don’t physically lose the ability to download at that point.  You may wish to find another.

I like what I have seen of Simon, though I did find myself outraged by the deliberate and studied childlike flutter of his eyelashes as he was introduced.  Everyone on TV does that, though.  In this programme he is constantly working at developing and maintaining a persona, which appears awfully scatty and expansive.  He is referring to and replicating the style (or lack thereof) ofmy blog, and assigning a completely false personality and motivation to the way I communicate, and saying I am not a credible witness, because I am morally disgusting and not a reliable source of information either.   I assume he is doing it to protect himself, but I don’t know, obviously, not having spoken to him.  But when I email, people don’t respond.  So here I am feeling disgusting and blogging instead.  David Dimbleby keeps referring to him as an adviser to the government, and after one of the later references he makes, Simon responds with a Shakespearean gesture which immediately put me in mind of the speech from Julius Caesar, ‘I come not to praise Caesar, but to bury him’.  It would be awfully patronising of me to think of someone as being sweet and vulnerable just because they are small in physical stature.  I’m only 5’1″ myself.  But my impression 6 months ago was that Simon only let slip by accident something they were all aware of and were involved in, at least on the Newsnight programme, and they were all angry with him and embarrassed, and are they testing me and my reaction, or are they really out to make Simon the sacrificial lamb, or scapegoat?  They ALL KNEW this.  He was just unguarded in mentioning that he knew the day that Gordon Brown was going to resign.  But their reaction said very clearly that they all knew.  The two days’ lead up to the resignation was nothing more than theatre, whatever the motive for that.  But the media already knew.  I’m repeating it to try and get my own mind to deal with it and stop the flashes of light which say ‘told you, the media is a propaganda organ, nothing more nor less’.

Unless someone wipes it from my computer, I have my own permanent copy of the programme which I will send to anyone who asks for it.  WordPress has an independent internal messaging system independent of the comments facility and you can contact me that way.  I think you need your own account, but I’m not sure.  Signing is very simple, though, it only needs your email address, and you might not even need to register a blog, but if you do, you can keep all of it, or any parts you want, in private mode.  So don’t let that put you off.

Have a nice day!  I mean it, that’s a sincere wish.

John Wimber used to say, ‘be as small as you can, so God can be as big as He can’.  Then I saw a poster with something by Nelson Mandela which said we should always be as big as we can, and shine, or something.

Maybe there is no real conflict here, but it seemed like it at first.  Maybe be as big as you can just means be your best.  But be small means don’t be conceited or proud, because God knows the proud from a distance, the Bible says.

For years that has been presented to me as a deliberate positioning thing on God’s part.  Yes, I have also been told that there are some things we are not morally capable of knowing, but the knowing from a distance, I have been left with the impression that God is watching and saying, ‘if that’s the way you want it, you can stay out there until you come into line’.  But writing this, I don’t think it’s like that.  I think it is more a case of, if we are ‘wise in our own eyes’, as Proverbs 3 puts it, we are not capable of receiving God.  We are only aware of Him in relation to our felt and accepted need.  I think He knows us from a distance, primarily, because WE are the ones who won’t let Him any closer.  He’s not saying, ‘stuff you, then’.

A Book-Burning Confession

I burned a book once, after my first time in hospital.  It was called ‘Love Is A Choice’, and as far as I was concerned it had caused all the trouble.  Now I think, just from the title, it might be possible to say I interpreted it selfishly, that I didn’t have to love if and where I didn’t want to, but on the other hand, that seemed to be part of the book’s premise, as it was a book on codependency.  I have wondered in recent years just how humane that particular emphasis in counselling actually is, and definitely whether or not it is compatible with Christianity, although I am coming back to seeing it as having a definite place in relationships.  I bought the book again off eBay.  As much to reacquaint myself with the offending document as anything else.  I think the problem with the way I handled it might have been that I took it and used it almost in defiance, having had it used so harshly against me, so I felt.

Songs of Praise, Albert Hall Big Sing

Look, I’m sorry, but there is a legally powerful label which has been put on me here, mental illness in the form of schizophrenia, and you people are consciously using the stuff of my life and not removing the label, and I’m not sure what is going on in your minds or how you validate either your reasoning or what you are doing.  I saw Aled’s startled reaction when he sang at the end about humble adoration in How Great Thou Art, it was a very caught out look and, I believe, obviously significant, having been there myself, as we all have.  He looks a lot like John Pantry these days, I’m wondering what the connection is, I’m sure there must be one.  What on earth does he think he is doing?  There is no excuse for this, at all.  It is sick, and no wonder I am.

Russell Watson shares my birthday.  I’m not sure when his career started, the first I knew I heard him on the James Whale show.  But he shares my birthday.

I listened to Clyde Sandry at the Christian Centre this morning, and realised he is using my voice.  Also the bits that jar, I’ve decided that is where they jump on to the next thing without making an adequate vocalised connection, probably because to do so would expose too much.  As I listened this morning I thought, ‘oh yeah?  What is that bit you haven’t said, then?’

They started emphasising the big sing as soon as I left London.  I used to sing in my flat and I was abused by my neighbours.  Now suddenly they have decided that getting everyone singing is the answer, and not the stuff of nuisance neighbours.  But that was my point, the point of someone whose life depended on it.  These people are just using it to further their careers and standing among the people they want approval from, and leaving me, the person who insisted on it at the risk of my own liberty and body, out in the cold unless I respond to their voices and commands.

I feel like the host here.  I have nothing of my own left, no voice, no life, no nothing, because these birds of the air have been utilising it for years.

All of these people’s talking up and words of affirmation do not make the thing or activity they affirm right.  And their faces shine like the sun, but it is a bit sick and watery these days, if you ask me, and I hope people will see through that and start asking questions.  Study their faces.  Look at all the guilty shifting of their eyes.  Tell me I’m wrong.

My friend died of a brain haemorrhage.  She has been used for ages by the media, in soaps, on the radio, and now on this programme.

The man at the end, dressed like a vampire, made a cocktail he called Brain Haemorrhage, for Halloween, using Baileys liquer.  It was one of her favourite drinks.  I know this is deliberate, is anyone going to do anything?  There was plenty of other stuff on this programme, but this was the sickest.  I do not want that cocktail to catch on, I want it banned.  Both the cocktail and the name, at least in retail outlets, even if it is now in the public arena.  Please God, it has to be banned.

When a woman says no, it means no.  That’s what you’ve taught me.  So what do I do when men I don’t know whose language I don’t speak insist on accessing my property in spite of that?  Even if it’s to do something they think is good?

If I could I would ask them, ‘if I were your wife or daughter, and men were forcing themselves on me in spite of my having said no, how would you feel and what would you do?’

The problem is, I’m beginning to come to the conclusion that here I might not like the answer.

Even if I decide I like what they are doing, affirming their invasion of my space in this way in spite of the fact I’ve said no must be a bad foundation for a relationship?

But I think I’m being unreasonable and insulting them.  I think no one in their right mind could agree with me.

I called the police 3 times last week.  No response was received on any of those calls.

I feel as if they are forcing me back to normality and I am wrong to resist.  As soon as I decide to take hold of a thought and decide to explore it, as soon as I start to think straight, they raise their voices.

No, I’m sorry, this is grubby.  It is a filthy, indecent invasion of privacy.  I had men and youths shouting and mocking outside my house all day yesterday.  I’m a tired, ill woman on my own and I have said no.

Edit:  Now I’m not confused.  It is my landlord, and as soon as I went out he tried to lay down the law about my curtain being drawn.  He has 2 other men there, they are both shushing me and being disrespectful.  I tried to show him the contract which says he must make a proper arrangement with proper notice, and he laughed and said he doesn’t understand, so unless he is lying he can’t read.  It is in Bulgarian.  I’ve phoned the police.  If they don’t respond this time I’m contacting my embassy.  In the circumstances I don’t think they should insist on me dealing with this on my own.

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