Simon, every time I have the energy of a thought come anywhere near me, someone shouts or bangs closeby.  Can you imagine what that feels like for someone who has been told they are mentally ill?  I have been as accurate as I can about how I feel, with hospital being constantly threatened and no one having officially removed the threat of violent intervention.  I am terrified as I type in that kind of situation.  And why are you coding at me?  Or am I misappropriating stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with me again?

It’s not only me I’m thinking about.  There are other people who are freaked out by this who also end up with no one prepared to say they believe them.  Why does it appear to me that I am now being heard and made a special case of, when there are so many others in the same position who can’t fight?  Would it be right of me to validate coded communication from an agency that has stalked me for years, and so say to others, ‘it’s OK’, when for them it might not be?  I don’t even know that it is for me.  This is a legal situation, at least in the greatest part, that needs a legal approach and solution.  If I respond to cuteness and desperation without really even knowing what is being said and to whom . . .

I’ve never really been one for responding to appealing stunts.  Now you are making me feel guilty about that.  It’s emotionally exhausting.

I started singing in my kitchen tonight.  My neighbour came out pointedly coughing, as he does so often.  I flipped.  It’s psychologically invasive.  I don’t even speak his language, but he dumps it all on me.  And the police have been nowhere near me.  If I don’t have the luxury of conversation, I should at least be allowed to sing.  This all just feels like self-pity, but I’ve got to where I can’t even sing now without having to include an obvious element of defiance just to be able to break the silence on my own terms at all.

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