Edit note 7 hours later: I’ve tagged this UK, but it doesn’t appear in that section. There is something about ‘follow that mouse’ and ‘ego trips’, but not my post. Please, this is not a sleuth or journalism game for me that you can follow, largely keeping me out of it while leaving me to carry on eating shit.

Does anyone else think our parliamentarians are being really naughty?

Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham were tutors, one a principal after my time, at my 6th form college.  Gordon Brown was the principal I didn’t know about until 8th May this year, the date of the prgoramme with the historian I mentioned in my first post and a later one.  After I found out it appeared it was panic stations all round.  I saw it in a 20 year look back article from the college on the internet.  As it happens, it was the anniversary of my late grandmother’s birthday, 8th May.

I can’t, for some reason, post audio.  I get a notice saying it doesn’t meet WordPress security regulations.  So I can’t upload the Newsnight Simon Schama audio I said I would.  I had to record twice anyway, because the first time I lost the connection half way through and only got part of the programme.  I finally managed to record the whole programme, but when I looked for it on my computer to upload it, I didn’t have it anymore.  I didn’t delete it.  These random file deletions of worms and viruses, are they REALLY random?  Or is there another explanation?  I didn’t delete it, but I no longer have it.

Speaking of Simon Schama, Andrew Marr said on his Remembrance Sunday show that there had been a 3 way deal/agreement between all the party leaders that the Conservative/Liberal coalition should take over.  I suppose that might be fair enough, but to me it doesn’t feel it.  It appears it might be more responsible than party politics, but I don’t know.  And I feel I have no right to question.  “It’s not my place”.  I learned that in Church if nowhere else.

But the Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham I am talking about are not the ones in parliament.  There are many similar namesakes.

A good name is one you earn, not one you are given at birth.  It must be obvious that if people are being chosen to stand for office in any sphere because of their birth or marriage names and not for their capabilities, a) we might not be getting the best people for the job of representing their respective communities well, which is what we are told they are employed for; and b) there is an unacknowledged motive behind such consistent choices which only the people they are aimed at will be aware of.

Now . . .

When I say this, I get put in hospital, but they are all significant names in my life from other spheres.

I am too angry for this sentence, but I’m going to write it anyway.

These people have been playing theatrical games with my life, until recently without my knowledge.  They have been doing it for years, knowing my personal circumstances, I believe, and the fact that I was being put in hospital because I couldn’t cope with the situation, and they were and still are hiding behind or seeking to communicate via a theatrical pageant.

AND YET . . . they tease me, I believe, talking about using blogs and them not having been officially contacted about things.

My dears, I have not been either.  This is my response to your activity towards me.  To insist i use proper channels having already tried, when you do everything YOU do . . . mate, come off it!

I am too outraged to use the proper channels anymore.  When I do I am fobbed off, have an aggressive and confrontational or deceitful stance taken towards me if I make a complaint, or at other times find I have put myself in actual, physical danger of being incarcerated.

Maybe the stance isn’t deliberately aggressive and confrontational, maybe it is just ignorant, in both the literal and offensive senses.

People who are said to have mental health problems should not be left in the care of the downright ignorant.  there is no one more ignorant than someone who insists they know it all, and literally or metaphorically wave a qualification at you to prove it.

You can’t treat people like equals if you don’t see yourself as their equal.

One day I heard a nurse say, when she had lost her mug, “one of THEM must have taken it”.  It rankled.  I was immediately offended.  She was the same one that laughed at me and made monkey gestures at me and lifted up a heavy sellotape holder as if to throw it at me, all in the space of 5 or 10 minutes, then denied that she had done so in front of my psychiatrist at the time, who decided I just had a problem with authority.  He said so in front of me.  He was the one who told me, when I complained about the charge nurse, that he was as pure as the driven snow.

I have a problem with authority all right.  I never feel able to challenge those who hold it, especially in a situation like that which I can’t walk away from.  I felt, as everyone else does, that if I said anything I would be making things worse for myself, and if I hit out physically as I sometimes wanted to, I could find myself in the Johnson unit hell hole.  They put me and other patients there sometimes to help them control the bed situation.  I remember no normal interaction between the staff and patients on those occasions.  My heart turned to ice, burning ice, with terror.  The threat of increasing medication was always there.  In all this time no one spoke of any accusation of child molestation, or desecrating a church, if they were aware of them.  If they were aware of them, I did not know.  I wonder now if, had I been adamant about not wanting benefits, they would then have asked me about these things.  Did I fail the test to be admitted to such information by either giving in to the pressure to receive benefits or insisting on it?  But I didn’t insist.  I challenged my own claims, in writing, more than once.  The challenges were ignored.  I think those challenges might have something to do with the fact that my housing benefit level gets automatically adjusted every time there is an increase.  I’m supposed to fill a form in, but once when I didn’t it was increased anyway and has been ever since.  So it looks as if the housing benefit office and my housing association have together taken it out of my hands.  I don’t know if they are entitled to do that.

I insisted from the beginning that I was being subjected to brainwashing techniques, but it wasn’t just that.  When it came to the patients, the staff walked around as if they, the staff, suffered from dissociative personality disorder.  And it was not just the pressure of work.

They set boundaries OK, and there was no way through or round them.  if you outreasoned them they shut the door in your face, or something equally contemptuous.  I was told by at least one nurse, when I did get to speak to them, that they had given me a lot of THEIR time.  The injustice and lack of relational perception of the comment felt like a kick in the stomach, and I really couldn’t speak to deal with it, it felt that outrageous.  I just felt, ‘hey? what? what did you just say?’, and it must have registered with them, but they were gone.  Maybe they thought my response was unreasonable or part of my mental illness (which I don’t have, but the label, which I don’t recognise personally, only legally as entitling me to financial support while they insist on it, is being held over me, by authorities outside of the mental health services, as a form of C & R (control and restraint).

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