What I was saying in my happy new year post.

About people saying ‘out’ on the news.

I was just watching BBC World News, a programme called ‘The Business Report’, or something like that.  5.30 pm UK time.

What happened?  Well, without going into the significance of it all, this man came on talking about the eurozone, and all of a sudden, for the first time since my post, although it is their policy to do this (it’s a distracting policy, and whoever it is aimed at, no one should have to deal with it, and everyone does) Tanya Beckett was saying ‘out’ in that almost vomiting, violent, aggressive and angry way they do, the man was in immeidately afterwards and he did a deliberate ‘camp’, Tanya Beckett said ‘back’ in the same way they say ‘out’ (they always do this too, and to me it is a body part reference (I’ve had exposure to therapy and to schools of psychology, and my college lecturer was particularly into Jung, I suggest you read some and then you might recognise more than you possibly do at the moment).  They make lots of body part references.  Sometimes they are only discernible because of the surreptitious tones and body language that accompany them.  I suppose you would have to be me to understand what I do.  At the end he went back into a camp queen face, and he shook his head from side to side in the same way that Bulgarians do for yes.

OK, now I feel like queen bitch and traitor to someone who might need anonymity in order to offer help.  That’s that one messed up, just like the others I’ve messed up.  I just find the outs and the backs and the psychological violence and aggression so offensive and outrageous and impossible to cope with I don’t care what they are trying to offer.  It’s almost like force.  Work you over then make you an offer and you’re supposed to have their hand off.  I think that’s called hardsell.  I was going to say ‘heavy salesmanship’, but realised I was mixing up my thinking with the term ‘heavy shepherding’.  That’s a different context.

So sorry guys if you are trying to help.  I’m not going to have your hand off, I’m going to say what you’re doing, because that’s what I do.  I think your assumption with the hardsell is that I and others need to be able to depend on you, rather than you depending on and trusting us.  The chase, the hardsell, the headhunting – whatever it is – the trickery, is that more like it?  I don’t know.  It’s all about you being the saviours in the starring roles.  So a person says please help, and your idea of helping is to media stalk them to gather information about them and about what is happening to them, and keep using it to call people who need to respond.  Or what?  Or you don’t help them.  Fucking stupid crap shit.  You don’t want to walk it through, walk with someone through the pain and hardship.  You just want it to be part of your media career.  Someone needs your love and friendship.  You make your stalking appear as if that is what you are offering.

I know about the media and its informative role.  Recently there was something in a trailer about ‘how do reporters feel about some of the things they have to photograph?’

While I see the necessity to inform, I was thinking a little before that, that to stand in front of people in distress with a camera, who look at the camera nonplussed as if they are looking to it for assistance, and then wondering what it’s all about, and then looking downright skeptical about your role and stance, and turning away in disgust, disappointment and confusion – back to their famine conditions, or similar extremity – to me it seems indecent.  I’m assuming if people were doing practical things to help and not just filming, they wouldn’t be getting those kinds of reactions.  It does seem, on the face of it, grossly indecent and insensitive to me.  Or a child whose face opens up in receptiveness to love and is met with something so hard that their face and their eyes close down.

I was reading in Ephesians yesterday.  I got to the part where it said that it is shameful even to speak of the things they do in secret.  I think I picked up the impression somewhere that it was talking about sexual practices,  probably from the fact that I thought about it in the context of the expression ‘in the privacy of your own home’.  But yesterday I saw it differently.

Things done in secret.  Subliminals.  It’s shameful even to speak of them.  For two reasons I can think of.

1.  They mix it so you will feel ashamed if you say anything.  A bit like these Bulgarian thugs, in fact.   And they go silent to leave you to deal with what they have done in the same way.  And when you start to think or relax or receive, they start to knock.  They feel it, and they start knocking.  These people are punitive.  They take the worst thing you have said in response to their own abuse, say it back at you in a tone approaching your own voice, and then say hallelujah, laughing and mocking, apparently.  Is this demonic mockery or is it supposed to be some sort of Christian discipline and correction here?  From men who have just been extremely invasive and abusive?  I think it’s more likely to be a way men break down women to make them obedient slaves for sex trafficking.

I want to cry to my friends for help, but my friends are my stalkers.  Oh my God!  And they stand by indifferent and impassive, watching it happen, letting it happen, saying ‘come’, and making the kinds of appeals which make them look pretty and attractive.  Nothing devastating for them.  Nothing harrowing and horrifying and terrifying, leaving them looking and feeling totally and irrevocably ravaged.  Just a lovely, deeply attractive and winsome, sweet and gentle grief, the sort of thing that comes from a mental understanding, if it can be called that, but nothing really experiential, and it is probably dispensed with in bed with their partners, or maybe even earlier at the dinner table, in the daily disciplines of family life or friendship, if they are observed.  They are making sport of my life and sanity.

That’s only one.  I’ve just had an outbreak of stupidity, verbal violence, banging, accusations and hallelujahs from the men in the rooms near me.  These fucking sick dogs.  God knows what they’re here for.  I wonder if they have ever physically raped a woman?  Apparently a lot of people come to this country for sex.  This is a degraded and degrading place, for all it’s natural beauty.  I asked to be moved last might to a place where I could sleep, at 1.30 in the morning, without this happening to me.  But it has got worse.  Are these mafia people?  I think they might be.  It happened to me at the Vitosha Park Hotel as well.

So here I am again, I can’t think.  Another Bulgarian stalking, computer-hacking media coup?  It happens all the time.  How many mafia people are involved in the media?  I don’t know.  The doctor’s daughter on the bus warned me they control everything.  I’m frightened now.  Now they are quiet.  What might happen in the night?  Oh God, help me!  No one is trustworthy here, and especially not police agencies.  If you want to help, get me out of here.  Now.  With proper legal commitment, and without using the mental health act.  Or they just might kill me.  I’ve been too scared today to go out and eat.  Not only of humiliation, but of possible physical violence, since they are violent in every other way, sometimes even physically as I already know.  Maybe not much different from England.  Metaphorically speaking, of course.  May God judge the politicians of my country for allowing this to happen to me, both here and at home.

Ephesians says have nothing to do with these acts of darkness, but rather expose them, and that light exposes.  And it does, if you don’t lock everyone up who shines the light.  But the Bible says that people love darkness more than light, and won’t come to it, because their deeds are evil, and they fear exposure.  Look what they did to Jeremiah.  I don’t think all the prophets got that treatment.  People did kill prophets, but I thought the culture respected their place.  Kings consulted the prophets and asked if there was any word from the LORD.  And their words were respected and things happened.  If there was a word from the LORD it happened, in judgment and healing.  Now people say ‘are you hearing voices’, and lock you up and make you take drugs, the legalised abuse, not to mention the illegal abuse.

I posted my first version of this prematurely but deliberately, because I was really afraid of what might happen to me here.  I switched on CNN when my computer crashed as I was trying to finish it, and a man in glasses fired off several obvious references to what I had said in my post, then turned a straight and rigid back and walked with it.  That’s the kind of violence I’m talking about.  And it is turned to look like caring, but they are just stealing spiritual energy, and when they get that, job done, as far as they are concerned.  No help materialises.  It’s illusory and seductive, and deliberately so on both counts.  What’s the message, ‘wait right there?’  Are they fucking joking?  Wait, and wait, and wait, for how many years now?  It’s indecent.  ‘Tis a puzzlement (The King And I).  It’s lies, it has to be lies, or why don’t they do something really constructive and life-changing for the people they are tapping?  Hmm?

Hey Cinders – answers on a postcard, please!  Oh my golly gosh lol.  Happy hearts are grateful hearts, happy hearts are grateful for everything.  We’re walking in the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.  Everything’s sunny, we’re grateful for everything, the only thing that could possibly ever be wrong is our attitude, if we complain about things.  I think I was a target for that song, wasn’t I?  Cindy girl, Reverend Gravitas Cindy Kent?  Taunter, teaser and stalker.  Please talk about it, I’m so sure it is something people will want to know about.  Especially since you have tried to keep it hidden.  Now that IS worrying.  I think so.  Sorry, I don’t think I can get your programme here.  It’s specific to UK DAB.  At the very least, your policy was, as was many others’, ‘she has to respond to the performance or she doesn’t get it’ (the help).  Were you just stalking by reference to the things you ‘legitimately’ knew, or were you involved in the computer hacking and phone tapping as well?  Like Dave Rose (he is/was, isn’t/wasn’t he?) and others?

The violence and people’s indifference has got to me.  I wasn’t planning on any of this last stuff.  But ‘killing my darlings’ – is that responsible when your darlings have already been seen by hackers?  This guilt I feel that I don’t abandon the writing and seek the people out.  The stalkers and tormenters.  That would be validating the crime.  Validating the people who don’t want to be punished for their crime by responding to them as if their authority is legitimate.  I will be seen in a worse light for publishing than you will be because of anything I’ve written.  I’ll just be seen as a sick, raging, revengeful woman.  They think they know you and adore you.  And the timid squeak turned to something more devastating to me along the way.

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