Archive for May, 2011

Restorative Justice

Or: the never ending downward spiral of entitlement to restitution.

We all wrong people, and we all have wrong done to us.

Restorative justice says, ‘you have done this wrong and defrauded me/him/her/us in this way, and you must make it good’.

That’s a bit arbitrary, isn’t it?  How many people have we already let off the hook before we have decided that this particular person has gone too far or is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?  And what about the wrong we have done and not restored?  How rigorously and thoroughly are we prepared to embrace and apply this?  Who are the people of whom we do not demand restorative justice, and why?  Who are the people to whom we are not prepared to make restitution, and why?  Do we somehow see them as not worthy, even though they have been wronged?  Is the wrong we have done them justified in our eyes and the eyes of those to whom we look for approval and support? Is there a certain class who must be made to pay?  The weak, easily made to feel guilty, scapegoat class?

As it stands this next part might be an over-simplification, but everyone who wrongs someone else and is forced to make restitution also has an awareness that they themselves have been wronged, somehow, somewhere, by someone.  Maybe many times and seriously and in a dehumanising way, but they are not the beneficiaries of restitution.

The Bible says ‘Love one another deeply, with a pure heart, fervently’.  It says ‘Be ye kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven you’.  I have been taught that God looks at the cross and says to the repentant sinner, ‘paid in full’.

I think restorative justice makes master/slave relationships between people, and that should not be.  As soon as we tap someone for what they owe us, they can tap us, or someone else.  I think, if my memory serves me right, that the demand for recompense is not in the New Testament as it is in the old.  On the contrary, it says ‘rather suffer yourselves to be wronged’.

I’m not sure what this means, but the Bible says ‘give place to wrath.  Vengeance is mine.  I will repay, says the Lord’.  I’m just wondering if that means that God will repay us for wrongs and losses we suffer, rather than that He will make sure the wrongdoers get their comeuppance.  Maybe He isn’t saying ‘I’ll see they get theirs, they won’t get away with it’, but rather ‘I will see you right’.  Or as He said to someone else, ‘I am your very great reward’.


Start Again

By Chris Bowater.

Start again, Lord, start again
In my life please start again
Take me, shape me , Lord, remake me
I’m in your hands, start again.

Start again, Lord, start again
In my life please start again
No more struggling, no more striving
I’m in your hands, start again

I’ve tried having my say, doing my thing, going my way
All my hopes just seem to have drifted astray
Start again . . .

Broken promises, faded dreams
Sacred moments in life’s devotion through mists of time
Can barely be seen
Start again . . .

They Make Me Want To Cry

All the time.  pathetic, out of control little tears.  They keep deliberately crossing legal boundaries.  When it is supposed to go quiet, they make a point of starting their noise, and have done for weeks.  The law might be in flux, but that one is reasonable and right and some people need it.  I do myself, at the moment.

I need to face it, I am living underneath the neighbours from hell.  I just get confused because they keep piping and shouting hallelujah and snatching at the air with their speech.  Before a thought comes, they are aware of it, and of the nature of my feelings/experience listening to the radio.  They start saying hallelujah if it is good or I am enjoying it or relaxing,and I can’t stand it.  If my eyes prick with tears, as they just did, began to fill, they go silent (they should be anyway) and/or say ‘dobre’ (good).  I feel pathetic, I can’t cope.  They seem to have decided to have a party, or at least to put some music on, and they chose to start at 11pm.

They’ve had me worked up and retaliating tonight.  They love it.  Before a thought comes they are aware of it.  That is Bible, Psalm 139, but for them it is coupled with and accessed by violence and torture, psychological, emotional and spiritual.  I don’t know where I am with them.

I couldn’t cope with secular radio earlier, so I thought I’d have a few seconds of Premier.  It was only a few seconds, and I realised it had had a homeopathic effect.  My mind was quiet and their shouting and hallelujahs stopped.  But then someone rang my doorbell, which I took as harassment and ignored, but later realised it might not have been.  It was as I felt the hallelujahs had stopped and wouldn’t start again, but they wouldn’t let go of them.  They started the violent banging, and they always impose a sound of their own over a sound of mine, especially from my body, like speech.

I think it’s occult.  I don’t think it is just me being paranoid.  I’m so tired.  I feel unreasonable not apologising and just being nice and getting on.  I was awake all night last night.  I’m desperately tired.  They refuse to stop.  They seem to be tearing at me and trying to dominate me, break me down.  I’ve heard of ‘tapping into’.  Is this where the expression comes from?  I have plenty I feel guilty about with them, but they are using it to drag me around.  Every thought and feeling that formulates, they are there with a comment or a bang, tonight it has been mainly comments.

I’m confused and have plenty of reason to be.  Vince Cable tried to push the ‘profound mental illness’ angle last night on Question Time.  There were people on the programme asking questions who had names like John Knight, and people were reacting to all sorts of things.  Vince Cable was cornered and vicious.  He hit David Blunkett with something about his blindness and knocked him reeling by its viciousness, and people were uncomfortable and coughing.  I’d never heard anything like it from politicians, it was unbelievable.  To go for a blind man with a savage remark about his blindness.  David was visibly shocked and upset, and people tried to make excuses, but I don’t think there can be any that would be acceptable and none should have been allowed.  I was upset myself.  David Dimbleby, a bit later, touched his own face as if touching a tear, and I almost broke down.  I suppose I did a little.

She just cried out in alarm when I began to feel the experience again and talk about tears and breaking down.  This is constant.  It isn’t mental illness, it’s a phenomenon.  They were full of hate and rubbish before I even opened my mouth.  I was screaming in pain needing an ambulance, and they never came near me, in my first month here.

I’m not sure what the status of parties is here at this time. I’m too tired to find out, but if I don’t challenge them they go on to take more liberties.  They’ve decided to laugh every few seconds, loudly.  I feel a fool.  I just want to sleep, and to have my legal rights respected, and they do everything to show me they are not.


If the way these people have treated me is typical, they and their country should self-destruct, and I hope to see it in my lifetime.

I was writing an email to a solicitor just now, in the cross over between Robert Elms and Danny Baker, and they were doing a slapstick routine, and appeared to be commenting on or anticipating what I was going to write.  I got confused and upset trying to communicate, and in my email I wrote them a little message, “you are savage, radio”.  Straight afterwards his voice became tearful and he talked about slapstick, which was what he had been doing, with my neighbour situation and with my email.  I’ve had violent harassment from them all afternoon, and while I’ve had the radio on they tap at psychologically significant points, and the stalkers on the radio are making it worse.  Danny Baker, you bloody bastard.  ‘Bloody’ literally.  17.45 pm.  He just said ‘my mind’ to sound like ‘Marmite’.  I get so distressed I want to wet myself, and sometimes I have.  They keep tapping and she keeps piping hallelujah.  They refuse to stop, tapping and hallelujah-ing at MY radio.  That is violent, occult harassment.  They are all as bad.  Listen to the violent tones on these men.  Eddie Nestor has just come on.  Banging a drum?  I don’t NEED a drum banging.  I need the criminal harassment and stalking and mental torture to stop and my hiding, cowardly, dishonest authorities to help me.  The man upstairs keeps going to the toilet and it always feels deliberate and sometimes I feel as if he is pissing into my mouth.  He just said ‘wee’ in a pointed way, on the radio.  This is gross, and I don’t believe it is just my mind.  Fiona with the travel (17.15) has just said ‘first with the rose’ instead of roads.  ‘Rose’ is a euphemism for urine.  I wrote the time wrong, Bulgarian.  Eddie Nestor just made a point of saying ‘nay’ Bulgarian for no, and talked about ‘around the world’.  I can’t appear right in this, even if I am.  I think they are trying to get me back in hospital.  I want to wet myself.  I don’t want to go to the toilet, I want to wet myself.

Chris in Crouch End is a Christian.  He just used her to say to me, ‘stop dressing inappropriately and you won’t be attacked’.  Whatever he meant to convey by it, he did use her for that.  And he just said Dr Paranisi to be heard as paranoid.  Talking about infertility.

I want to wet myself because I am scared and I can’t take this, and I know for certain that no one is going to acknowledge the truth about this.  I dread having to live with this for the rest of my non-suicide-terminated life.

Look at this.

The Importance of Alternatives: Critical Psychiatry and Narrative Therapy.

I found this yesterday under the antipsychiatry tag.  It seemed to me that adopting an approach like this would be approaching something like sanity in the way mental health users are treated.  However, when I brought up the question of talking therapy at the hospital I was in, with a nurse, it was resisted and dismissed as a bit of an oddity, and me as a bit of a twit, or a strange and funny person.  Or crazy, maybe.  Who knows what they did with the suggestion afterwards?  I did have the leaflet in my hand from their literature rack, but the nurse I spoke to appeared to have no time for it.

The author of the post makes the good point that narrative therapy differs from psychoanalysis in that it is not prescriptive or didactic and the patient is not presented with an interpretation with which they have to agree.  It’s about exploring different ways of seeing and interpreting things in your life, and those ways come out of the patient’s own narrative with the therapist.  It sounds a bit like counselling to me, in that sense, and the post goes into far more detail, so I think it would be good to read it.  It has an audio interview as well, of about 5 or 6 minutes.

The author’s name is Jim Brooks and information about him can be found on his about page, which I was going to link to but have changed my mind, because I want you to read the post.  You can read the about page when you get there.  But he has studied pharmacology and is now studying for an MA in Science Journalism, so expect a well-written post.

Read it here in Scottish or English.

I was watching yesterday’s news coverage of Osama Bin Laden’s death, and found myself thinking, ‘A man’s a man, for all that’, and I knew it was a quotation, but I wasn’t sure where from, so I looked it up.  I was thinking it not to belittle a man and say he is dispensable, but to exalt him as a creature of intrinsic worth and nobility.  I was thinking it for Osama Bin Laden.  I was disagreeing with David Cameron and other world leaders who have expressed satisfaction over his death.  By extension I was also thinking it for the rest of us, including those of us who have found justification in holding the bitterness and unforgiveness that can allow us to say of a fellow human being, ‘good, he is dead’, rather than expressing regret that his killing was a necessary part, so we are being told, of bringing justice.

I believe that kind of expression of that kind of feeling brutalises and degrades us and makes us less than the ‘man’ that our own nature demands we should be.  The Bible says, in one of the Psalms, that we are gods, and that the big God gave His Son to die for our sins, while we were still sinners.  Jesus quoted that Psalm and said the scripture cannot be broken.

I have heard it taught that Islam was formed as a religion in direct opposition to Christianity and Judaism.  I think I heard that from Colin Dye’s platform.  I think we have to ask why.  Christians used to hold killing crusades.  Christians sided with Hitler in the killing of Jews.  Shakespeare’s ‘The Merchant of Venice’ was one of my set texts at school.  It was about a Jewish money lender who lent money to a Christian on the terms that he forfeit a pound of his own flesh if he defaulted.  All the Christian’s ships were lost at sea.  A woman called Portia argued the Christian’s case in court, and he was reprieved because the forfeit did not mention the shedding of blood, and Shylock, the money lender, was mockingly and derisively invited to take the pound of flesh, but if in so doing he shed one drop of blood he would have a forfeit of his own.  I think it was his life, but I can’t remember.

The first line of Portia’s famous speech, ‘the quality of mercy is not strained’, is often quoted and held to be a thing of great beauty.  But earlier the Jewish money lender had a great and truly painful speech of his own, basically saying ‘I am a man like you’, and the one part I can definitely remember and that registers with me deeply on an emotional level is where he talks about being in the street and having people ‘spit upon my Jewish gabardine’.  And although the quality of mercy is not strained, it seems that, from his humiliation at the end, it was meant to achieve mercy for Antonio, the Christian, but to be a lesson, yet another painful life lesson, to Shylock, the despised Jewish money lender.  I would like to draw more points from this play but I am not familiar with it any more and would need to read it again.  Points about if Shylock had gained his money legally and honourably, why was he so despised by the people who borrowed from him?  Did they need to borrow, would they have needed to borrow if they had not been so greedy themselves?  So why despise their provider?  Shylock’s requirement of Antonio was probably meant only to express his own distaste at lending to a man who spat upon his Jewish gabardine, or represented people who did.  He never expected, in all probability, that he would be in a position to call for the forfeit.  It was probably meant as a verbal expression of hate for hate.  The fact he called for it is obviously inexcusable, but would have been an expression of his own sick feelings of hate and revenge brought on by the abuse and constant humiliation.  Antonio was a rich merchant.  Shylock was a rich money lender.  What was Shylock’s sin?  Without reading again, it must have been that he was Jewish.  Shylock the Jew did not kill Jesus any more than Antonio the Christian (by affiliation and Christian country ‘birthright’ or by life changing choice and conviction?) did.  But Shylock was hated.

I’m not sure what the point of that is in this post.  Maybe it is just a way for me to say ‘this is hurting me’, because I identify emotionally with Shylock in his feelings over the abuse he received, regardless of any consideration of business ethics and morality.  I started crying when I found and read the Robert Burns poem and found it so perfect and beautiful, and that feeling hasn’t left me while considering Shylock.

My church used to say ‘hate the sin but love the sinner’.  We are justifying hating both the sin and the sinner, and that degrades both us and the sinner.  We are justifying such hatred towards a man that we rejoice in his death.  He couldn’t have achieved anything without his followers, and even though their figurehead has died, passed through death, if they choose revenge rather than deciding to change track and work themselves for brotherhood and world peace, I cannot see how the death of Osama Bin Laden can be seen as an ‘important step forward’, or the similar words used by my own beloved and respected prime minister, David Cameron.  So I would want to appeal to both sides, in the name of God and in the name of love and humanity, to please cool it and stop the revenge and attacks and the seeking of ‘justice’.  I would want to ask that, as Christians, we love our radical Islamic enemies, enough to uncover enough humility of our own to consider what it is that has so filled them with hatred and be willing to apologise and actively pursue reparation and healing of relationships with them, to stop the self-righteous demands and invective, and to approach them with the love and honour and humility we should employ, according to the Bible, towards all men.  I’m not saying that I myself am good at that, but I hope the character of our leaders is made of such stuff that they might be different, and be so openly, and not try to ‘confound the enemy’ by presenting a different face publicly than the one they present privately.   Our enemies need to know and see that we are honest and open not only about our rights, but about theirs, and about our own failings, even historical, and willingness to make reparation.  I don’t believe it is true, for any human being, that violence is all they understand.  The Bible says that the desire of a man is constant love, and I think that goes for everyone, and we need to be braver in showing that.  Vulnerable love, not tough love.  Active and proactive vulnerable love and openness to others.  ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I understand’ and ‘yes, you’re right’ and ‘thank you, I hadn’t thought of that’, and even ‘I love you, are you OK, can I help you?’ love and pursuit of justice.

Love and concern for each other should flow from the top down and the bottom up and spread out and come in, and maybe then the right policies will be obvious and not take up so much time in our relationships, governmental and otherwise.  I want to see the leaders of my world loving one another.  Having therapy sessions and love-ins, most of the time, instead of arguments and policy formation.  If they can pass on the benefits of that to us and across international boundaries, it might change everything about our living and thinking and being in the world and with each other.

I believe all of this is part of our intrinsic worth and nobility which we abandon at our peril and that we need to rediscover, and part of what it means to be ‘A Man, for A’ That’.

In Jesus’ Name.


I’m Sorry But . . .

Today I feel emotionally sick and out of step with everyone, even with my own sense of decency.

Is there a time I should just shut up and let people get on with it?  Just for a day maybe, or a week, or maybe I should cut my tongue out and never be able to speak for the rest of my life!  Now there’s a thought.

As much as I truly admire the people who work so hard for our security and am very touched by the happiness and satisfaction some of them I have heard speaking today are expressing, I still find it repulsive that anyone can be happy about and rejoice over someone else’s death.  No matter how much they or others close to them have suffered.

As I said, I feel emotionally sick.  I still can’t have a thought or emotion begin to materialise without the people upstairs start their stuff.  The uncanniness of it is doing a number on me, along with some of its deliberate and markedly repetitive illegality when they bang just after the boundary line every day.  I wondered after I typed those last paragraphs and thought maybe I’m being a bit too squeaky liberal to be real.  Perhaps I should join the celebration, for reasons of my own it feels like a bit of a weight off of my shoulders as well.  Maybe all decent people are glad, and I just don’t have that level of freedom to be able to enjoy it with everyone else who is also decent.

But I remember stories of days when missionaries went among cannibal tribes, eyes wide open, taking the risks.  And dying.  No political pull outs.  Died for their peaceful, loving, non-violent beliefs, killed by the enemies, in lifestyle, that they had gone to live among and convert/evangelise/win for Jesus.

Jesus said, so the Bible tells us, if we choose to believe it (or it might have been Paul), ‘render to no man evil for evil, but overcome evil with good’.  Armies and governments and terrorist groups are made of many people who, individually, would be identified as ‘a man’.  I’ve heard it preached and taught that war is a different kind of situation to which that does not apply.  That sometimes peace has to be fought for, and that that is the justification for war.  But how can you fight for peace with weapons of war?  If you do the same you become the same.  The act of war causes and deepens wounds in the psyche, personally and nationally, which make it more likely for physical warfare to continue to be embraced as an option.  People don’t repent, they go into denial and justification, and that isn’t something which makes for a future where this is less likely to happen.

We need to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12), and that means to establish new habits of acting and thinking. I’ve noticed that when I take a step to do what is right, I understand how wrong the former thing was and how wrong its support structures and rationalisations.  Especially if I thought before that the right thing was the wrong thing.  In my early days as a Christian I was taught that pragmatism and compromise over the truth were not acceptable approaches to living the Christian life.  That belief has not abandoned me, even though these days the church is more at ease with ideas of necessity and pragmatism.  I’m not sure why that is.  Maybe I just haven’t moved on as I should have done.

However, I believe that the spread of peace depends on abandoning war as an acceptable way of ‘maintaining’ ‘peace’.  If war is not an option, we have to go further in building international relationships.  Not ‘so far and no further’.  So far then ‘how very dare you, sir?’  Peace is not compromise.  Peace is Shalom, whole and vibrant.  Peace is love, not polite, formalised, ritualistic functionality.

If war is not an option, outraged people with hurt egos can’t issue a call to arms, pumping out buzz words ten to the dozen that make you feel ashamed and embarrassed to disagree with them.  People who do not embrace armed conflict as an option must surely be easier people to approach.

If we want to talk about the brave people who die in the pursuit of peace, and lay down their lives, I think there is more chance of healing for the world and of leading by example if those people lay down their lives in refusing to kill, rather than in trying to maintain peace and security for their own group by killing people and groups who are seen to threaten it or who strike at it.  If we lay down our lives for peace, sacrifice our lives in being actively peaceful and refusing to engage in war.  Let our own lives be taken rather than kill an aggressor.  Rather than a few being brave for many, I believe we all need to face it and trust for ourselves.  That way we relate with love for all, even for our enemies.  That is how peace is built.  We are governed by peace because we are founded on peace.  It isn’t the result, but the whole structure.  As long as we need to protect our lives, we live with fear.

This is what I should do, not what I do.  I am protecting too much, things and goals which wanting to achieve make me careful for my life.  Crazy things, like seeing the end of coercive medicine in the mental health system, a change in understanding and an end to labelling.  Even more, I don’t want to die on my own, maybe never to be discovered and with my life seen as worthless and full of failure, and something to be despised and not missed.  That is my craziness, wanting to hold on to my life until I feel it is worth something, not so guilt-ridden and not so isolated.  That is how I feel under the present abuse.  Too guilty to die, and guilty for hanging on.  Sorry for coming back to myself, but on the other hand, I think facing and coming to terms with yourself is a necessary part of being able to embrace this lifestyle choice anyway.  So no, I’m not sorry, really.  You have to come back to yourself to lay your life down by deliberately committing to non-violence.  I know so.  I’m only sorry I can’t express it better because of what is going on in my life at the moment.  I could possibly express it if I chose my own advocated actions, but under the abuse I can’t do it in words.  The option for me seems to be to surrender to and make myself vulnerable to my abusers (who might only be abusers in my mind anyway), or not to be able to express it in words.  But I do have a problem with my abusers if that is the point they are trying to make  by their abuse.  ‘Join us, we’ll teach you the way of peace and non-violence by making you pass through the fire of our violence’.  Jesus didn’t use violence.  The Bible says the devil can appear as an angel of light, and that means his presentation is appealing and persuasive.  But trust goes to the cross.  They present as Christians, and everything I try to say is aurally countered, either actively or with silence.  Or is it all a product of my own fear and darkness?  The Bible says in Christ there is no darkness, it also says the darkness becomes light.  To me that doesn’t just mean that a light shines removing the darkness but that, where Christ is, the darkness itself, even the darkness of violence, is light.  That is the conviction of my heart and soul.  Love, my love for those who do me violence, makes even the violence a source of light and something into which I should walk.  And these words are darlings I refuse to kill by putting them into action.  The violence and exclusion/silence, because of the ‘hallelujahs’, feel like a call, a ‘trial by fire’.  But also, post-communism, it feels somehow inappropriate.  So why am I arguing so much?  Have we talked our way out of needing to pay the price, by invalidating the price asked and demanded as torture?

WAGblog: Dum Spiro Spero

"While I breathe, I hope"

Emerging From The Dark Night

Working through the Dark Night of the Soul to emerge as me.

The Elephant in the Room

Writing about my experiences with: depression, anxiety, OCD and Aspergers

The Sir Letters

A Tale of Love

The Seeker's Dungeon

Troubling the Surf with the Ocean

Seroquel Nation

Onward and upward...

We are all in this together

it's gonna be okay.

my last nerve

psychology | psychiatry | neuroscience | n stuff

A Philosopher's Blog

A Philosopher's View of the World...assuming it exists.