Archive for June, 2011

To my would-be, self-styled helpers

You are useless. You know what these people are doing to me, you have even been party to it, and all you offer me by way of ‘help’ and ‘love’ is words and money, while they pitchfork my mind and soul and spirit every day, changing me and my nature and words to be as ugly and violent as theirs, and maybe yours. What would happen to me, if I killed someone because I’d had enough of their cruelty? How long do you expect me to keep myself hidden away on the days I can’t cope with life enough to know I am in control of myself? But it isn’t me that is out of control, it is them and you. You’re useless.



They do violent things, psychologically, subliminally, criminally and occult with these things, sometimes with devastating consequences in your very person, not only your life. They have various words for these consequences, which they try to pass off as an illness. Two that I can think of immediately are Alzheimers and dementia.

She is, she’s just doing it to shock. They all are. And control and humiliate. Good to see people fight back and take them to task, but the parting shots are never expected. Mafia gang rape, even the nicest and most innocuous-seeming.

Prayer – How to Get What You Ask For

That is how the tradition I have been exposed to seems to approach teaching on prayer.  Jesus said ask anything in my name and I will do it for you.  One of the apostolic letters says you have not because you ask not, and you ask and have not because you ask amiss, that you may consume it upon your lusts.  Holding these and other verses in balance leads to we should always try to make sure we pray in the will of God because God is glorified in giving us what we ask for, and we must try to avoid praying this way or that way or with this motive or that, we must keep our motives pure.  A law-bound, legalistic, nit-picking approach to prayer.

If we accept that there is humour in the Bible (do we?) and that we first grow up when we have our first real laugh at ourselves (so humility and humour go together, by that reasoning), it would be more reasonable and humble to say, rather than making all these books and teachings out of it, that yes, sure we can pray, but if God doesn’t like what we are asking for He isn’t going to give it to us.  If we love Him and believe He loves us and wants the best for us and those around us, accepting that, without needing to make and understand and live by theses, should make us happy and secure, shouldn’t it?

The teaching that God supplies our needs and also some of our wants is good.  It is enough.


Tommy talked about making friends with a fly.  He called his fly Elizabeth, he said.

Sometimes friends have difficult relationships.  Recently I have found myself angrily batting flies off rather than welcoming them as friends.  Sometimes I have felt bombed by them, as if they are angry as well.

The phrase ‘Lord of the Flies’ came to my mind today.  I thought it was in the Bible, but I just checked Bible Gateway and didn’t find it.  I thought the Bible called Satan the lord of the flies.

I’ve had a fly buzzing around my laptop tonight and crawling on the keyboard.  I looked at it and focussed on it and thought, ‘God made this fly’.  I looked at its structure and thought about its beauty and fragility, and how it must feel, if it picks up on such things, knowing it is demonised as it is.

I watched it for a while and let it crawl on my hand without trying to get rid of it.  It seemed quite happy and settled, just crawling and occasionally stopping and trembling.  They always dart off if you try to get them to settle on you, but if they do settle and you don’t try to get rid of them, they seem quite happy.

One of the verses I saw had bees and flies together, saying that God would call them from different directions in judgment.  We don’t normally demonise bees though.  We make excuses for their sting and some people love them for their honey.  Flies settle on poo.  But they settle on me as well, and tonight we both seemed to enjoy the experience.

‘Consider the lilies of the field’, ‘go to the ant, thou sluggard’, ‘are not two sparrows sold for a farthing, yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father in heaven’.  I don’t think there are any positive verses about flies, but tonight one kept me company for a few moments quietly, unobtrusively and sensitively, in a way that made it welcome and in a way that made me think and enjoy it.  Not like my neighbours, who act more like the disease carriers and pests that flies are supposed to be, but the Bible calls THEM gods.  Go figure.  Every time I start to type they start talking.  It freaks me intensely, given the level and persistence of their violence towards me and their criminal behaviour.

Logical Fallacy: Suffering Makes You A Saint


I’ve thought this for ages, the way people treat people with cancer with so much reverence, for instance.  Suffering does not make you a saint or especially worthy of respect.

Why am I saying this?  Here I am in Bulgaria, having started off respecting these people because of the suffering they have been through with communism, but today I am thinking, and have been for a while, they must have been pretty vicious/stupid in the first place, to allow such a thing to take hold in their country.  It wasn’t all the Russians.  Bulgarians did it too.  I read it on a political publication site, how a man being stoned appealed to his fellow Bulgarians to come to their senses.  Well, I think, on the whole, they still haven’t.

Spiritual and Mental Rape

I love Tommy Boyd.  He isn’t a Christian.  I don’t mean sexually.  He’s married.

I’m fed up of these people who keep turning up in my vicinity, or taking advantage of the fact that they are my neighbours, to piss their hallelujahs into my mind day and night.  It is mental rape and spiritual rape.

They made their decisions about what was right for them in the expression of their Christianity, and I have the right to make my own decisions as they do.  This harassment is monstrous.  Really, I mean it, it isn’t just a word.

Gabriel says you can’t have covenant relationships with non-Christians.  So why is he suggesting covenant with my Spanish psychiatrist, Dr Gallo, who doesn’t appear to ME to be a Christian?  Not even a competent person, let alone psychiatrist.

And if we can’t have covenant relationships with non-Christians, I suppose that knocks out our relationship with our own country and its structure and leaders?  Not all covenants are covenants of equals.  Each party has different strengths and weaknesses, and also different degrees of power.

They accept tax relief at KT, and that is a covenantal position, but at the same time they would insist that government leaders are not Christians, as some of them would insist on that themselves.

I think we need to get real.  There is Christian covenant, and there is the wider and more necessary covenant of humanity, at least the way our society operates.  As Christians we are often dependent on non-Christian food suppliers (we go to restaurants, and meals are traditionally covenantal things in many cultures).  {edit: Most of our information and education and our ideas of how to do things, even methodologies for asserting the Christian position and keeping ourselves separate comes from non-Christian sources, even among the ancients, some of whom are purported to be Christian, but not all.  We communicate, some of us try to, with the world using the style of the world, then say they need to repent and say there can’t be a covenant relationship unless they do.  I saw Jack Dee’s face in my mind as I said that.  He was on ‘The One Show’ the other day.  They’ve put up a commorative plaque to him somewhere saying ‘Jack Dee woz here’.  I sent Tommy a card like that years ago, from Chichester where he lives, through the post, I think.  I’m sure I must have called at his house first.  I think I tried, with a biro or rollerball, to make it look like something carved on a tree.  I woz ‘ere.  End of edit insert}.  [I’m not sure what this is about, possibly a total coincidence, but a loud wailing siren has started to go off outside my room, like a wartime warning signal.  I checked it with the receptionist and she says it is a test.  As I started to write about it, it moved away].

I am afraid of the fact that I am a Christian and Tommy isn’t.  But I think he can be a kind, supportive friend, and I have felt him to be.  He is an expert (or at least well educated and experienced) in his field, he is someone I have communicated with a lot, and I’ve been close enough to him physically (I’ve sat in his car, on the front seat, next to him) to have flashes of recollection of someone with very strong feelings.  Before that, I think, I commented to him about the fact that his hair, which he had had shaved, he told us on the radio, had grown back and, perhaps I misinterpreted it but I don’t think so, he got all touchy about it.  He found it too invasive or something.

I’ve seen and heard him cry, I’ve seen and felt his anger, I think he is centred and committed and very unified within himself, he is full of fun and energy and at the same time very serious and conscientious.  I think he is a living sword.  Mercurial and intelligent and quick to perceive and identify and to try and supply what is needed.

I don’t know what his vulnerabilities are.  Pain can limit and drive.  He is obviously a driver and a contender, and whatever his vulnerabilities and limitations I think he can be trusted to be truthful and honest and to speak and act with integrity and to say he is wrong if he thinks he is.

As far as I am concerned he doesn’t have to perform or convince or persuade.  He never has had, from the first time I heard him speak.  I think he might see himself to be weaker than he is, and if anything would frighten me, that would.  I think he is such an absolutely worthwhile human being and he doesn’t realise it.  I think he doesn’t feel his personal and intrinsic worth and value as a human being, augmented by the kind of human being he is, or believe in it as much as, it seems to me, he has a right to.

Sorry, Tom, if this embarrasses you.  Is it persuasive enough?

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