This is the copy of the first email exchange between myself and John Coles in September 2016.  John was my vicar for several years.  He once said from the platform that God wants to make love to you, which in recent years has really concerned me, knowing how platforms like his are used for code and other ways this charismatic leader and his staff and associates used their platform and position.

I had written to him many times before when I was in hospital as well but it all went unacknowledged.  All of it.  I am not really sure, in spite of the reason he gave, why he chose to acknowledge this.  In spite of what I said in my email about I would understand and release them with my love, I was so hurt by his refusal or neglect to acknowledge anything I had said about their own handling of things and that they kept saying they were not hurt every time I tried to apologise that I just fired back a detailed return email of how much they had hurt me.  I was so, so upset, in spite of some of his wording of was obviously, to me, a complete cut off.  Unless I was supposed to understand that they would be happy to see me in person, but he didn’t say that, whatever my conscience keeps saying about my own stubbornness in not being responsive.  He did not answer any of the emails I sent him after this one, either the one pouring out how much they had hurt me and how irresponsible they were being, or the one or two I sent afterwards trying to apologise for that one.  Nothing.  Completely cut off.  Here is the email exchange:

 to you
September 5, 2016Show Details

Dear Sue,

I am answering your email in the hope that, as you say in your email my response will make you happy.

At the same time I free you from any need to try to explain your behaviour or your letter-writing in the past.

I am also writing in order to bring closure to your expectations of any future correspondence from me, while at the same time wishing you well in the future.

With warmest regards,

John SH Coles signature

John Coles

New Wine Trust

4a Ridley Avenue

London W13 9XW

0208 799 4488

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From: Sue Barnett 
Sent: 05 September 2016 14:16
To: John Coles 
Subject: Hi

Dear John and Anne

I hope you are well.

I’m writing because I was just thinking about you and all the letters I used to write, especially the ones to John, I seem to remember, pouring out my feelings of hatred which may have had no cause or foundation in the reality of our relationship whatsoever, or at least of anything coming from him.  I tried to apologise for the hurt I had cause you several times, but you always denied I had hurt you and I didn’t believe you then and I don’t believe it now.  I was hurt and angered by that because I thought you were deliberately not letting me move on.  I won’t say I understand what was behind the denial, and I’m not going to try and explore it in this email, I will just tie myself in knots, and we know how good I can be at doing that!  I just want you to know I love you, and I’m sorry for what happened between us.

When I was at Polytechnic studying English I discovered a style called stream of consciousness, and that is what I thought I was employing in my letters.  I was writing down the feelings as they came up.  I didn’t see myself as validating the feelings in doing so, just telling you that they were there.  I would write until I exhausted myself and could write no more.  I thought it might hurt you, but I thought it was your job to handle it.  I could see no other way round it.

Again, I am sorry for the hurt that must have caused you.  If I could turn back time, as the song says, I think we possibly might have a good relationship now.

You don’t have to answer me but if you did I would be very grateful, not to say happy.  And of course I hope we might be able to pick something up, but you still might not feel that is possible, in which case I release you with my love.

Kind regards

Sue Barnett