I wrote a long complaint at the weekend.  I got all these connections last night that I hadn’t had before on the internet.  Earlier someone opened my door and I had my back to it with Facebook up then I lost Facebook.  I have just asked for the email address to make an official complaint and I have been told they don’t do it by email, it has to go through the ward manager, but now I have also ‘lost’ my email connection.  They go past my door and deliberately raise their voices as they get level with it.  I refused to see the psychiatrist today, after he first said I could go to Nottingham to arrange my sister’s funeral and choose a plot then made such a seethrough excuse not to let me go, that they couldn’t spare the staff when all they needed to do was get agency cover or something.  The nurse in charge over the weekend agreed with me about that.

I wrote a letter for the psychiatrist this morning saying what I wanted in terms of the funeral and court attendance to defend my tenancy.  Their cruelty towards me knowing what I am going through is pure sadism, they are absolutely savaging me.  I asked for obs to be content with just hearing me say I am OK today instead of insisting on looking at me once an hour.  They know how I present, they know I am not suicidal or self harming, yet even though they know I have evidence to submit by tomorrow they have given me no peace.  They really set on me tonight.  I’m not supposed to be able to stand my ground reasonably over my rights, not even my right not to be harassed in my room by staff.  They have become tearing, savaging wild animals.  I needed my email account to send my evidence tomorrow.  I have also been told that I can’t put anything on a memory stick and print it out in case there is a virus on it.  One of the patients asked me if I thought there might be any police pressure.  He told me he was a doctor himself (I believe him) and that one day the police asked him to say an ex-prisoner who wanted to go to a funeral was not fit to go, and he wouldn’t.  Today the Dr Shah said I could go to Nottingham and they would get cover, just I had to tell him when.  I’ve arranged it with the funeral director for Thursday.  Just after dinner started at 5 pm the fire alarm went off and we had to go into the garden.  Personally I was there less than a minute when we all came back in again.  On the stairs I met the psychiatrist’s assistant, Jess, who said she wanted to talk to me.  I said ‘not now, it’s dinner time’ (which is a protected time), and she stood there confrontationally and proceeded to continue and almost drew me in, but I said again, ‘not now’.

I have done everything in writing today, and I wrote after this that I wanted her to tell me what she wanted to tell me in writing and why, in light of what I had written before, she wanted to tell me what she did.  I think they are trying to get me stopped from going to Nottingham for a second time.  I asked for leave in my letter this morning as well.  The response I got about when I could have leave to go to Nottingham made it obvious that the letter had not been properly read and understood, but I have also asked about general leave, around 10 am, after they told me I could have special leave, because I had been advised by an OT to ask for that, too.  They said they would get back to me.  It is 8.05 pm and no one has said anything else to me about anything to do with this morning’s ward round all day, but they are being provocative and trying to make trouble and sabotage my efforts to do the things I need to.  I just asked for an email address, half an hour later I have lost my newly accessible internet connection to my email account on which I was depending for sending evidence tomorrow.  To me it seems obvious this is deliberate.  This HCA was being really provocative and making faces and I read her the riot act about what she was doing to someone needing to submit evidence to defend their tenancy who still is arranging her sister’s funeral and the next thing I knew, because I was shouting because she was trying to mock and jeer me down, there was a team of staff coming towards my door.  These are evil, bullying, fascist cowards with chemical weapons and a ‘right to use reasonable force’.  I said this evening, ‘there is nothing happening here that I have not said is happening for 22 years.  If you want to deal with it the first thing you need to do is admit you have been wrong and it is not a mental health problem in the first place’.  He (another HCA) was round a corner by then but when I finished he slammed a door.  Every time they come to my door to ‘do obs’ they act as if they have a warrant to enter and insist on coming in to look at me even though it has been obvious all week that I am fine, not self harming, not suicidal.  I believe they want an excuse to medicate and stop me going to Nottingham.  I’m on Tatton Ward.  Their behaviour and attitude towards me are getting darker and more frightening and demeaning.  This is an NHS overflow ward staffed by private staff in a private hospital.  They told me it was different from other places I have experienced, and for a while it has been true.  It looks as if it is starting to turn, in an obvious way.  This is the Priory Hospital Group.  They have no respect for me in my situation at all.  I am not entitled to less respect and support as a bereaved person potentially about to lose my home just because I am a Section 2 prisoner in a mental hospital on an acute ward.  On the contrary, this is not where I should be, at this point in my life, in my opinion, since they do not provide bereavement support, so they have told me.  But even if they don’t provide formal bereavement counselling and support they should at least respect me and try to be personally supportive.  I think if some of them could wear rubber gloves when dealing with me, from their faces and body language, they would do exactly that.

After I had been here a day or two a woman was put in the room opposite me with the same name as my sister.  She is aggressive and predatory.  After the first time I encountered her I apologised for my reaction to her behaviour, said she had come on a bit strong for me, and she was much better, but she is getting much more aggressive again.  Nurses often shout, even rage, her name asking if she is all right.  On Saturday night a nurse I had just been speaking to in my room who told me maybe we couldn’t afford the cover for me to go to Nottingham, two minutes later was heard right outside my room raging her name.  It doesn’t feel good.  Some of them seem to think if they get me a yogurt I am anybody’s, or should be.  Yogurt.  Lovely, thank you very much.  But no, I am not about to open up to you on that basis and tell you things I have been saying for 22 years because it might help you to hear it from me when having said these things, about media stalking and stuff, are the reason I am being given for my diagnosis of schizophrenia in the first place.  If they want to know they should tell ME what is happening and ask if I know.  I wonder why they dare not?  I wonder what difference they think mistreating me is going to make to what is happening with them?