Tuesday 1st march, 2011

“sickth” for “sixth”

27th December 2010.

OK, here’s a buzz, or rather, a trigger.  It’s one I’ve noticed today on Freshly Pressed, so I’ll use it.  Might as well take advantage of it while I can.

CPA – To me that is ‘Care Plan Approach’, and the only context I know it in is its use in the mental health context.  Maybe because that is the only area of medicine I have been exposed to long term.  No other area has the power to force you.

This is just the bare bones of an observation.  I feel a bit inarticulate today, because every time I do something decisive and possibly a bit different on my computer, it shuts down, or someone shuts it down, I don’t know.  Together with the stalking I believe I know about it’s making me angry.  It intervenes between my thoughts and actions on the internet, and the felt energy that goes with them.  I’m so terrified by this I can’t give it adequate expression.

On Freshly Pressed CPA appeared as a post a day or two ago, and I’ve only just caught up with its significance for me.  It’s now at the bottom of the page.

Somewhere in the title of the post it says ‘Chimpin’ with the Photo Ape’.  The ‘C’, ‘P’ and ‘A’ are capitalised.  When this is done deliberately I think it is called an acrostic.  I think, based on so much else, that there has been a deliberate choice in this by someone, even if not the author.

I just looked at Freshly Pressed to try and ascertain what part of the post this line actually is, but when I got to the actual post I couldn’t readily tell and didn’t look any further.  Is it the post name or the blog name?  I couldn’t quickly make out how to get to the home page, so I left it.

As I clicked on the post in the Freshly Pressed display thinking, ‘ah yes, this is it’, my browser closed down.  This is the kind of thing I have just written about.  All my ‘aha’ moments are met in the same way.  I went to restore the page and found I had to log back into WordPress.  I think usually I don’t have to do that, but perhaps this time it was because I was in the middle of editing a post, but I can’t remember what normally happens in that kind of situation.

I’m putting my reaction down to unresolved guilt feelings, but the thing itself I hardly know what to make of it.  What is causing this repetitive coincidence?  What or who?  It could be a who.  It is definitely happening.

Because of all the aggressive reminders of mental health situations that keep being thrown at me I’m afraid to talk/write like this in case someone is reading who is empowered to make a mental health intervention and decides the time has come to do so.

[I got as far as this point in my revision when my browser was closed down again.  This time I didn’t have to log back in, but when I tried to retrieve the autosave I got a message saying ‘bad request’ and underneath it was something saying ‘njinx’.  I went back, tried again, and it was OK.  Why was it different from last time and why did it happen this way this time?  In fact think about it – njinx, daemons, wizards – how many more occult terms are used for regular functions on the internet?  These are the only ones I can remember. Forcing this kind of intervention on a person and refusing to let them move away is how you create an obsession.  I looked up the word ‘obsession’ on Wikipedia once, and one of the definitions was listed under occult or spiritualism, so I read it and was interested.  It’s often presented by psychologists and psychiatrists these days as purely a chemical brain disorder with no real outside reason.  They present drugs as the answer.

These people have chosen ignorance and limited thinking about some very real and important things.  People say don’t force your beliefs on me.  I say don’t force your non-belief on ME.  The less you believe in the fewer possibilities you recognise.  I, for instance, believe in healing miracles. I’ve experienced them in my own body once or twice, in response to both my own prayers and those of others.

Please, if you don’t believe, go and play with your pals and stop making the rest of us ill by using and creating laws which enable you and some of the fearful and, in some cases, dishonest and hate-filled criminals who report to you about us to force upon us the mishandling of the crises that we might have.  And if there are any mental health professional involved with me who are reading this, as people in the media constantly suggest, please be so kind as to do me the common courtesy of revealing yourselves and ceasing to skulk and stalk.]

Saturday 1st January 2011

This is a dislocated splurge, I’m afraid it’s turned into.  I’m being bombarded with grasping, insistent twitter every time I try to think, and my computer is crashed every time I write something which I lay hold of as being significant.  Add to that that I am embarrassed at the way I handle things myself, and I’m tired, and I have about 40 minutes to decide where I am going from here, little in this entry has ended up where it should be, so I’m sorry for that and I apologise.  I will try and get some order into it later.  For those who need it, this is just for your information, please forgive and tolerate the disordered way in which it is presented.  PS if you DO need this, please make proper contact.  That is the honorable and respectful thing to do.  One note:  It is possible that if you try to check out some of the things I’ve said were happening at CNN this morning, if you are given access to any recordings you might find they have been edited out or reworked.  I have known this to happen before on several occasions.  The only example I am aware of is some of the Tommy Boyd shows in Talksport and Southern Counties Radio days.  I don’t know why the alterations were made, if they were at someone else’s insistence or what.  Bits were taken out, positioning changed, things were dramatically reworked so they were different from what actually happened.  So it’s possible that if you get hold of recordings from other sources, they also might have had the same treatment.  That’s why I make my own, at least with the radio.  I’ve got lazy with television and tend to rely on the archives they provide.  I think for this reason Ofcom needs to start accepting things recorded at home by complainants, rather than insisting that the only acceptable evidence is the station’s own recordings.  They might have been tampered with to hide the evidence.  What Ofcom accepts as evidence and definitions of offence is too obtuse anyway, without not being able to present what you recorded yourself at the time.

Also, I’d prefer it if any mental health twits 🙂 reading this and deciding that no one needs it, and anyone that would try to alert and authorise them, will just back off and have the humility to let people make their own decisions about whether they need it or not, and let me continue to make my own decisions about what I am going to write.

8.18 am Bulgaria

Switched CNN on.  Was tired and listening with my eyes closed.  Man’s voice took on a ‘significant’ tone, a point-making tone, and he said we are already sleeping off the excesses of last night, but almost as if he was feeling his way through a word of knowledge in church, live on the spot, and seeking clarification as he was going.  I’m inclined to call this occultism.  It’s spiritual prostitution and abusive.  It’s using or affecting spiritual things for profit, as they like to ‘expose’ church people for doing.  Mixed with cyber and on the ground stalking.  I believe.  Another thing is we are led to believe that, operationally, this is supposed to be spiritually neutral ground, and it isn’t, but they pretend it is.  And they are stalking also with really hateful methods.  They also talked about clearing the trash and not worrying about it, with the disdain employed towards or about some people in some contexts, and it was laboured and obvious.  And they quoted a piece of poetry or a song saying all that could be heard was the voices of old crows.  It looks like the real thing but they are stalking me, and I don’t hear them embracing Jesus, only running stories about Christians and Christianity.  Also with the church, it looks like the real thing, but to me it is less convincing than what I see on the secular media, maybe (I’m only theorising) because the church thinks it is OK.  I don’t know.  I only know they are both stalking me, Christian and non-Christian.  Also, the policy seems to be to keep their voices up and piping in a slightly unnatural way, which sort of takes your mind out a bit, if you’re also being stalked and systematically terrorised, when trying to distance yourself from it emotionally while trying to analyse it and deal with it.  As Anna Raeburn, a well-known British agony aunt, said in one of her shows on LBC a few years ago, it’s a celebration of the ‘imperfectley natural’ (spelling mistake quoted from the podcast printed information from LBC and probably deliberate – let’s have some fun with the lab animals, boys and girls, oh, aren’t they cute???!!!), and when I played those recordings back a few months ago I was shocked and horrified because she seemed to be communicating a deliberate strategy to make people feel dislocated, and to draw them in and betray them by holding up a mirror to them (their analogy in a subsequent broadcast, though not explicitly stated) without letting them know until you twisted it back on them.  Everything I have seen on the TV and heard on the radio for ages has been really distressing to me, because good things were being represented in a warped and not quite there way, so there was no nourishment in them.  Now I think I’ve realised that was a deliberate thing.  The ‘not quite achieving naturalness’, they set out to present something slightly off.  Slightly hateful.  Slightly evil.  Slightly (I hope someone will act on it) criminal.  Because it isn’t just surrealism in what is supposed to be an artistic presentation, it’s used in what is presented as factual and unadulterated.  It’s now 9 am Bulgarian time, I still have CNN on and am still finding it distracting, I’m having to wrestle with it to say what I want to.  A man called Roger is presenting, after a short documentary.  His opening gambit is that people are still ‘evilly’ awaiting 2011.  It was obvious.  So obvious it was the only bit I didn’t question, the word ‘evilly’.  I felt knocked sideways because it seemed like an obvious reference to what I have just written but not yet published, then I calmed down a bit because it seemed obvious to me that he had said something about 9/11 and it is just a word that is part of current culture in some contexts and 9/11 is one of them.  Then I realised he hadn’t said 9/11 at all, but 2011, and had still said ‘evilly’ and tried to pass it off as ‘eagerly’.  I had got just about this far in my writing when my computer crashed, but I was able to recover my post and reproduce and augment what I had previously written.  He went on to talk about balls dropping (as in adolescent boys).  He’s not the only one, they all do it all the time.  It’s like a humanist, atheist, anti-Christian club, using the same inclusion/exclusion techniques as Cockney.  In langauge, nod, nod, wink, wink.  Let’s all stare at them and laugh.  That’s supposed to be them speaking, not me.   I’ve switched the TV off, it’s audio/visual molestation. I think it is a deliberate and popularised form of torture and thought limitation aimed at those who desperately need to be able to recover from the traumas of the past abuses of the system .  I read something yesterday on another blog tagged ‘abuse’, it’s a fairly recent post, a year’s end summing up.  The writer is a therapist of some description, I didn’t read that much into her credentials so I can’t remember exactly.  But she was talking about the negative effects of verbal abuse in childhood on the ability to process information and I think she said something about the language centres in your brain.  I’ve been saying the same sort of thing to ages, not from academic knowledge, but from the conclusions I drew from analysing my own experiences.  I think she was talking about parental abuse, but I think it can be extended to any authority figure at any time when you are more vulnerable and dislocated than you ordinarily should be as an adult.  For someone against whom the mental health act has been used, absolutely everyone in society is a potential authority figure, because normally if someone says something damning about someone who has been through the psychiatric system their word will be taken as the truth, even if it is lies.  At least, that has been my personal experience for about 14 years.  I don’t know, maybe my experience is abnormal.  Perhaps they were extra vigilant about me because of stalking they were aware of but refused to give me the benefit of acknowledging it.  Funny, they can talk about being vigilant and present it as being for the good of society, but they use the same word to me to tell me that is what I am and that that is a sign of mental illness.  Yes, darling psychiatric staff, YOU try being forcefed lies and mental garbage coupled with all kinds of psychological and emotional abuses and bullying and threats of physical force that are sometimes carried out in a place you can’t just walk away from and resume normal life, and see how mentally healthy that makes YOU. If I was/am vigilant, it is/was over the right to maintain my own belief about what is/was happening without being locked away and medicated for it.  It was to avoid letting you lead me into conversations which you twist to your own perspective because you don’t like what is being said.  I was sweet and tweety and nice, in the end, just to get out, because you couldn’t be trusted with my devastated reality.  Not just the anger and contempt and fear I came to feel towards you, but also the heartbreak and need for personal and relational support.  You are not and were not to be trusted.  The best I could hope for was to get out and do my best to avoid your attention, because everyone I tried to talk to looked at me with that dismissive scepticism which is acid to the soul.  And if I got angry, even Victim Support, they turned on me and started laying the law down, having already offered an unreliable service anyway.  Every time you are doing something and start to go into a deep place within yourself, someone comes along shouting angrily and mocking viciously, or sweeting and tweeting in the kind of high-pitched voice which jarrs your consciousness while it is open to the deep things which are your salvation and you’re trying to write about serious things with the access to intelligent expression which feels like a flimsy protection against someone who might read what you’re writing and have you put away, on the grounds that they can, and they’ve done it before.  Yesterday I talked about them making constant references to body parts.  At 8 am (6 am UK time) this morning the weatherman came on and said ‘broadcast’, but it wasn’t ‘broadcast’, it was bronchus, which is the latin word for what we call the windpipe.  He fluffed all round it and slipped it in.  It feels and felt disgusting.  All the time affecting a wide-eyed innocence.  It made me think of the song, ‘Look into my eyes, can’t you see they’re open wide, would I lie to you baby?’  My hearing is senstized because of what they are doing and what is happening to me and this is obvious to me.

It’s New Year’s Day.  I think I’ll celebrate by not being shamed and intimidated out of making these observations.  I believe they need to be made.