28th October 2012

I wrote a post the other day and titled it ‘I don’t like it’.  I realised before I had got far into the post that that was what I used to say to the teacher who abused me at school.  I didn’t stop seeing him as a nice person and a friend, even though I started to feel I disagreed with some of the things I heard him saying – to be honest I’m not even sure now if that’s true.  What I am sure about is that it was the things he sometimes did that I didn’t like, not him.  I continued to see him as a friend, or at least to go to his room when I felt at a loss at lunch times.

27th October 2012

I’m not a good writer.  I know, I read it back and cringe and don’t know how to supply what is lacking.

14th October 2012

Does the word ‘God’ mean ‘everyone else and how I get on with them’?  If that is what it means for everyone, where are we?  We all worry about relationships – true or false?  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you – Jesus.  For their sakes, not ours.  Not ‘do so you’ll get back’.  ‘Teach people what you want by giving it to them first’.  How about not doing what you wouldn’t want done to you?  I think the psychiatric relationship would be better as a sadomasochistic practice outside of medicine.

25th September 2011

Tommy Boyd said ages ago that the news is an industry and as much concerned with viewing figures as any other part of the media.  I am personally thankful that I heard him say that.

I have a recorded radio show on and I’m doing stuff at the same time without being distracted by the show.  I haven’t been able to do that for years.

I heard the end of a news item about ‘an unfolding tragedy’ and I don’t even know what it was.  Then I realised it didn’t matter.  I didn’t have to care, and that didn’t make me an uncaring airhead, it makes me an individual in a different situation and without responsibility for the one that was being presented to me, and I didn’t have to know, or care.  I didn’t have to play it back and know or understand.  And I don’t have to feel guilty about it, and no one has the right to tell me I should care just because a nice voice on the radio presents it to me.  My own life and immediate context is what I have to care about.  Positive and negative, creative and destructive, welcome and unwelcome.

24th September 2011

I have set myself up for abuse here in Bulgaria.  I came with communism in mind, feeling sorry for these good and wonderful people and how they have suffered.  I hear the sweet dobres, minute after minute, and it all plays into that mistaken assumption and illusion.

They suffered at their own hands.  I don’t know how much Russia had to do with it or why they had an alliance in the first place and how they feel about it now or if it was an honest thing or what.  You never hear.  All you hear is harassment, banging and ‘dobre’.

Like love, if you have it, you don’t talk about it all the time.

They have suffered at their own hands and from their own alliances, and are still a violent and harassing and dishonest people now.  Whatever the sound and appearance, they cannot be that sweet and innocent.  I think they effect, with psychological and spiritual violence, at least the illusion that they take what is good from you and replace it with their indecency and violence.

Now I sound like them.  If my authorities were honest and reliable I would not be stuck in this place.  This awful place in myself.  If they were not pumping out sweet sounding dobres with all their harassment which they never stop or apologise for, my mind and emotions would not be so stuck.  And again, it sounds as if, even now, they are hacking my computer and marking every emotional and thought movement and everything I am typing.

They call it stoicism.  I call it criminal contempt and dishonesty.

I was evicted on the 20th.  I am now homeless.  I am blaming myself for not getting on with what needed to be done to prevent it, even though I felt disabled by the harassment and previous experiences which made me feel that if I didn’t present my situation perfectly the authorities would abuse me or let me down.  I have no home anywhere.  I loved my home.  I wanted it to work.  I loved my neighbours.  We were all hurt and stupid.  Now they are not my neighbours.  There was a security of sorts.  15 years of developing understanding and progress.  I let it be taken.  It was my home, not just the building I lived in.  Those relationships and people were my home.  How am I going to have and know another?  In my situation?  I feel I am going to have to let other people completely redefine me.  Knowing what I now know I can’t just pitch up and rent another.  And to date no one has ever been interested when I have told them what is happening with the stalking, etc.  No one has given me an official reason to expect a change of form.

So here I am, homeless.  It won’t change a thing.  I could present myself at a homeless hostel and pour out my story to the social worker and still end up back in hospital for my pains.  Presumably they wouldn’t know a reason not to decide that was best, and they wouldn’t believe what I was saying was reliable to follow it up.  I’ve been through all of it before.

25th August 2011

I was just thinking, there are times in the Bible, with the prophets, where they say that God told them to write their message and make it plain.  But what if He didn’t?  We don’t hear anything about the people who disagreed with that.

When people write down what appears to be a wonderful message, and people who don’t know them read it, it can make their hearts yearn for the writer and what they say, whether they would if they knew him or her, or not.

I am grateful for the Bible.  Very.  But writing something down changes the whole dynamic and apparent applicability of the time and place communication.  It changes the feelings in the relationship where the communication is made.  Originally it is not flesh and blood, eye to eye, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, only, if at all, but also there is something written in stone, as it were.  Like ‘this is what I said, look at it.  No changes, I’m not changing, I’m not giving way’.  It removes one person from another and, if they use their writing like that, makes them unchallengeable and appear to be set apart and above, which might be where they want themselves.  Unless it is just an expression of their insecurity which causes them pain because they think it isn’t and that it is necessary.

(hysterical wipe out from the usually placed interventions from upstairs.  Great grief, thought and communication murder.  This is the spirit of communism in full flight.  They killed intellectuals when they could.  If this is supposed to be Christianity, the hate and anger I hear in her voice, she is acting by the same spirit.  I’m not saying I’m an intellectual.  Maybe it will come back to me later).

In brief what I was going to say next was that writing and authoritarianism, insisting that people are prophets and utterances are prophecy (even if they are) rather than keeping them in the context of human communication, even while recognising God, has changed human communication and relationships for the worse, I believe, and made life more complicated.  Fairer and safer?  I don’t know.  I think we could go back if we wanted to.  ‘You can’t halt progress’ – what does that mean?  ‘We can and we’re going to and we have, so there’?

Progress and the triumphant celebration of it or the plaintive cry that we can’t halt it, is the anthem on many people’s lips, but it is not the final word.  Change can happen where change is needed.  Reversals sometimes need to be put into effect.

Reminder to self to talk about atomic and nuclear energy etc and it’s non-moral status in and of itself and being good in the right hands but devastating in the wrong hands and the moral irresponsibility of allowing any course to be followed and developed in the first place which could cause destruction in the wrong hands, which will always get hold of it, unless prevented by a ‘lesser’ evil, like the hunt for Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction etc.

20th July 2011

I just caught the beginning of Danny Baker on Radio London.  He and his sidekick said something about shaving cream and she started doing noises which should, to my mind, not be inflicted on a radio audience and that belong to sexual arousal, except it also seemed mocking.

I was looking up ‘Bulgarian Civil War’ at the time, to see if the presentation of Communism in the west was inflammatory and one sided and if there was more to the killing than communists killing Christians and if anyone else was killing at the time, any other group.  And also, I suppose, if any violence was aimed at communists.  Maybe (at this stage I don’t know) it was not all as straightforward as it has been presented to us.  Maybe people claiming to be Christians were murdering communists as well?

I didn’t get any of that though, under Bulgaria Civil War.  I got a reference that goes back centuries, and also reports that in June this year, Muslims, after brutal physical attacks, including on their clerics, were said to be preparing for civil war.  They have decided the authorities here do not want them, even though they had hoped for their rights as EU citizens to be upheld, and that the authorities are either unable or unwilling to help them.  So my alarm bells started ringing and I decided I needed to have a look.

I don’t know if it a balanced site or not, there are remarks from people talking about the imposition of Islam and the aim of bringing in Sharia law, and also a reference to Mohammed as being a rapist, which I haven’t looked at fully yet.

However, there is a certain class of broadcaster who has made me feel that I am justifiably identified as a terrorist sympathiser, and that class of broadcaster, and the people who are their target audience, would think nothing of making me feel, constantly, the threat if attack and sexual molestation.  I saw this about Mohammed the rapist after switching off in disgust and the hope that it would scupper their efforts, but in my mind I made the connection quickly.

I started off writing this for myself, but in writing it I thought it might be possible that there are people outside of Bulgaria who do not know about the threat of civil war involving Muslims in Bulgaria and who might have plans to come here which they might otherwise change.  I haven’t pushed my own search for support in my own situation to the nth degree, but I wonder how many other people feel the same way as Muslims here, that they are not wanted and it is possible that the authorities not only cannot help them, but do not want to.  I hope I am not part of that and hope that, where it exists, it will be strongly and forcibly challenged both by the Bulgarian authorities themselves and by the EU, because EU citizens can’t be here either by birth or having come ‘in good faith’ and find they are powerless and helpless in this kind of situation.

This will be a rolling page.  The odd thought as and when.

29th June 2011

Tommy, the more I say, the more I can examine it and find fault with it and realise it might have been much easier if I had faced it and said it in the first place, then I might have seen things were not so impossible and you were fantastic and completely trustworthy, and you and others would have been less hurt.  I also see that all my thinking and reasoning and communication is basically self-centred and my main concern is for myself.  I’d like to say this on your blog, but I don’t think that’s a good idea at the moment, so paradoxically and inconsistently and unreasonably, I hope you are reading this.  I’m not sure if it’s OK to feel loved by you or not.  I just readjusted my feeling to accommodate the fact that that might not be where we are at.  I love the way I felt listening to you and that’s it really.  If there is anything you want please ask or tell me, and we can at least talk about it.  I know though that you don’t need me and there is nothing I can give you, and I feel a bit angry and misled that I have been encouraged to think otherwise.  See what I mean?  Back into the old patterns already.  I’M here . . . . or am I?  Am I just arguing with myself to try and make that true?  I’m feeling the pressure of wanting to say darling again.  I’m here if you want to approach me, and there is a big part of me which is desperately hoping you will.

19th June, 2011

I was thinking the other day, and have been presented with cause today to remember, which came first, the voice of the crow, or its demonisation by people?  Whichever, the crow’s voice is the crow’s voice.  I think the crow probably has little choice, if any.

14th June 2011

11.12am  My neighbours are marking every sound of mine with a sound of their own again.  They have been doing this for ages, and turning on heavy power tools every morning and banging and hammering.  I think it is all theatre.

I switched my radio off, after having had it on for a few seconds and listened to the news at the beginning of yesterday’s ‘Steve Wright in the Afternoon’.  I decided to play them at their game and effect bandwidth cut out.  I knew they wouldn’t know what was happening anyway, whether it was deliberate or not, and even if they find out from someone, like someone in their own media, or anyone else, I don’t think anyone has a legal right of access to that kind of information, so it will be interesting to see how it is handled.  They were silent as long as I was silent, and when I picked up a paracetamol box to put one of the sachets back in, they turned on their tool again.  Now I am typing they have gone silent and appear to be listening.  I knew we could hear a lot between the apartments here, but paracetamol boxes?

They were silent until I moved this morning, and as soon as I moved, they started making noise.  I went to bed this morning at around 5am, and as I got into bed he said ‘dobre’ in the gruffest voice he could find, and this happens a lot.  It does feel like rape on many levels.  Occult, horrible, psychological rape and indecent invasion of privacy.  And they still do it all through the night.

Steve Wright’s news was talking about live pigeons to lure birds of prey.  It feels like what they are doing here.  I don’t know, maybe it is just my desperation clutching at straws.  I hope not though, because I believe what they are doing is really, really wrong and deliberate.

(Edit note 2.29pm)  I’ve just listened back to Sussex Breakfast, the bit that was on as I typed this, and now I feel like a really bad psycho for writing like this.  As if, with a bit of humour and friendliness, I have the power to turn this round but I am repeatedly choosing to make it worse.  Maybe they are frightened, and it is the only form of communication they dare use, or something.  I felt teased by Sussex Breakfast as I do by everyone.  I am a Christian, the power of this situation is in my hands, except for when it gets snatched away from me, as it just did when I typed that.  Why did she cry out this time, was it AT me or in complete inattention of me?  I assumed it was AT me and that is why I felt the power of the situation had been snatched from my hands.  Because if that kind of sound IS deliberate and at me, they appear determined to make sure the power of the situation is in their own hands.   My media shouldn’t be accessing this anyway, my blog is in private mode.  End of edit note).

Steve Wright had Rod Stewart on as a guest yesterday.  Yowser.

Since I wrote to Tommy Boyd on Thursday and Saturday, the news and media has started making strong suggestions again, as they often do, that my tenancy is at risk and that definite plans have been made to get me back in hospital.  Yesterday’s news, for instance.  On BBC1 all day.  I’ve recorded it.  Sometimes in the past recordings have inexplicably gone missing.  Like Tommy Boyd’s Halloween show one year, where he was talking about how it was traditionally celebrated in England, or in paganism.  I had only heard the first part, and I was really upset to have lost it.  It sounded really interesting.  He said they celebrated with a family meal, remembering those who had died.

3.42am  This feels ludicrous, because I know I’ve got readers, even in private mode, but I just watched The One Show, Jamie Oliver, and what’s her name’s hard face and straight back following tender emotions from other people, and it finished, and I turned my back on the vocal interjections of my neighbours (I listened through headphones, I don’t disturb THEM) and shut my ears and addressed myself to God in prayer, and it felt as if I was right there talking to Him.  I talked to God.  I had to.  Who else could I have told that I don’t have a friend in the world?

I was going to say, ‘but of course I do, and now I am writing it feels obvious’, but the interventionists moved in as the act of typing and the feeling were about to come together.  You know, the violent, indecent ones?  Upstairs?  Does that mean they are my friends?

26th May 2011

I haven’t had children.  I have failed to produce children for my parents.  It wouldn’t have kept the family name going, as I am a woman, but they would still have been my family’s children, from my parents’ line.  After the fact and opportunity it is easy for me to see that has been selfish and self-centred of me.  It is a joy and fulfilment and satisfaction I have deprived everyone of.  My neighbours have started banging.  They do this with every deep and intimate thing I write about.

My church taught me, or told me, that I didn’t have to be bound and defined by my past.  It could be said that if I had accepted that and taken them seriously I could have established a family.  Except that I’m not sure that I was really supported or encouraged to do so, and I think sometimes, at least at St Barnabas, people were actively steered away from me.  So I should have left.  My life should have been more important to me than to let my church invalidate it in that way.  My demands on myself in relation to the church were to high.  I told myself I couldn’t walk away because I had said that I loved them, and I therefore had no right to leave.

I have this strange belief in relation to the people who harass me, that if I am afraid it shows and proves that I am wrong and they have some justification.  I feel I know that is right, but I hope it isn’t.  But in a way it would be easier if it was.  All I would have to do is acknowledge it and apologise and life would be rosy.  I blame myself for not doing, and continually hope for the day that I will be brave enough to say, ‘sorry, my fault’, and rue every rejected opportunity and demand to do so.

25th May 2011

This is a bit strange, but it has happened before.  I haven’t had an egg for about three years, though for ages I craved one almost every day.  Now I’ve got indigestion and it tastes as if it has an egg connection.

12th May 2011

I’m fed up of this woman, she is like the voice of the dead.  She keeps shouting out hallelujah, every time my thoughts begin to go where they want to go.  It is ghastly, controlling and presumptuous.  Or maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I should see it as an attempted love-in.  She won’t let me think or examine anything.  She is demanding that I abandon my own mind.  She is mad, she is crazy with hate, or something.

10th May 2011

Psychiatry is an institutionalised, legalised, international, organised hate crime.  It is a form of Nazism, a Big Brother tool, used to maintain social ideological purity and to cleanse society of malcontents and ‘religious extremists’ (hence the nature of the diagnostic questions).  Mental hospitals are concentration camps.  I know I’m not saying anything new, and although I fear extremism and sensationalism over this, I think there is a lot of truth in what I have said.  They talk about colluding with people who have a mental illness and reinforcing the delusion, where the truth is that they (the professionals) collude with each other to persecute and victimise people and to deny and suppress the truth they know.  It is a cruel form of terrorism.  They have painted us as dangerous, and their new approach is to patronise us and say there is no stigma, or should be no stigma, in having a mental illness, when many of us do not recognise an illness anyway, but are well aware of the institutional discrimination that got us so labelled and which maintains that label and uses it for intimidation and control.  And just as the church sided with Nazism, so it sides with this.  If I remember rightly, it was in the 1980s that the Dutch Reformed Church repented over its support of, or non-opposition to, Nazism.  There is a lot of cruelty in the practice of psychiatry, both intentional and unintentional.  I haven’t heard, personally, of anyone being intentionally killed, but many are pushed to suicide and despair.  Family and community testimony counts for a lot, in my opinion more than it should. It can easily be pack mentality, scapegoating, and a way of getting rid of someone who makes it hard for them to hide in collective denial. This is just the obvious truth and the facts.  There is nothing revolutionary or outrageous in this assertion at all.

9th May 2011

This is really strange, just as I have started to write this note Eddie Nestor (BBC Radio London) has done what I think is a mocking, teasing, taunting introduction to the sports news.  Talking about where the rich people live.  ‘Gabala, Zsichko’, what’s all this?  Oh, Klitchko.  It sounded like a Bulgarian word.  They did the same with Rooney, Woolcott (or something) both names in my life, Woolcott straight after I phoned him for the first time ever (an old teacher).  Eddie Nestor has just seen fit to introduce the word ‘sluts’, casually, as if it has just become appropriate now to introduce it as part of his story.

The point I wanted to make and am now going to stop letting them distract me from, is that there must be more to the story today about the woman (Suzanne) who went to a footballer’s house and ‘demanded’ to speak to him 3 times, and so he felt that he and his family were in danger.  Either there is more to it and the media has chosen to tauntingly misrepresent what they know, or there is no more to it and the ‘victim’ is an idiot or dishonest.  Whatever, if there is not more to the story than has been represented on the news, it is ridiculous and wrong.  In fact, it could be intimidation and torture, if they are aware I might be thinking of going to see someone who could easily put me in the same position as this woman, on the face of it, seems to have been put.  They are running me ragged.  Every time I feel confident to go out, they attack me.  I’m in two minds as to where the occultism is coming from, the media, my neighbours, or both.  He just clicked something, right into my paused and thinking mind.  It’s a con trick, they win my trust, then they turn thugs, or the other way round.  It’s a gagging tactic.  And there is no way I’m the only person this happens to.

There was a crime recently, in the Midlands, I think, where I was born, involving a man called David Simmonds.  I knew someone called David Simmonds at NLCC.  His girlfriend (before they married) was nicknamed Rooney.

They keep ‘mauming’ all over my stuff before I’ve even published it.  Like just now, saying he appreciated it.  Unless it is a psychic feeling.  But when I was looking at the AOL news items, his narrative fitted what I was looking at, and I left it three times before going for what I wanted, and he was keeping up with what was coming.  He = Eddie Nestor.  He just said hypnotherapist to sound like hitlertherapist, and said it a second time properly and said ‘excuse me’.  I feel really molested by what he is doing.  Intimately so.  He is taking advantage of the wanting to wet myself confession, I believe, and turning so thuggish when I decide it would be a good idea to go to the toilet that I suddenly can’t go.  All of them, media and neighbours, are using violence and intimidation to tap into whatever they are tapping into, and it feels as if it is me.  They take my feeling and put it into the expression of their own communication.  It is like spiritual, psychological and emotional gagging and murder.  They’ve been making a big thing of the Barnet Bypass in the travel news.  She just went for a false finish. 18.34.  I think the media and my neighbours are deliberately working together.

He has just said ‘interpol’, then adopted a thuggish tone in a way which goes for your most vulnerable part of your psyche, and for me they are going for urine, both to make me want to and to stop me.  This is deliberate mental torture.  They have just started using the word ‘inappropriate’.  I’m getting hysterical, again, not for the first time today.  This is criminal, and it has to be stopped.  Ironically, and disingenuously, they are talking about the evil of men attacking women.  I also think that for ‘she’s getting annoyed’, perhaps you should hear, ‘she is catching on’.  They are using my intimate body waves.  He just struck something with a suggestion of violence.  This is rampant witchcraft and satanism, whether they will call it that or not.  Even whether they realise it or not.  And I hate it when they presume to warmly agree with me when I expose something so evil about their actions.  My neighbours do the same thing.  I usually think they are just insensitive idiots.  They are running me all over the place.  They are making me feel guilty and stupid, and playing on it.  I feel too guilty even to go and pee.  He has just done a deliberate displacement warmth on Aaron, who talked about going for vulnerable people.  They are determined not to be caught and punished.  And others are determined not to catch and punish them.  I hope they all feel safe in their world.  Fiona just did a runner, and HE has just been emphasising ‘he’.  John Knight used to do that.  He is using the ‘you silly girl, we are trying to help you’ approach.  Now he is taunting me with having distracted me from going out (18.49) he has just said ‘quistion’ for ‘question’, and said ‘wee’ for something I am going to have to listen back to.  These people are base.  They are worse than aniumals.  Animals are decent according to their own nature.  He has just lifted his voice up above my head for me to catch it, and I want to piss again.  He is indecent.  Eddie Nestor is indecent.  The media is indecent.  This is vicious torture.  I know what Kate McCann was talking about earlier, and I knew I did at the time.  But I was thinking of the police, because that was the context of her experience.  But these people are as bad, really indecently invasive, molesting and torturing. ‘Thank you very much’, says Eddie.  You are welcome, Eddie.  And I haven’t published this yet.  Yes you are sick, Eddie.  Sadistically sick.  Sick and disgusting.  All of you.  If you can’t get your story you destroy your source.  You bloody bastards.

I know how this operates.   The nearest I can think is transitional object, Winnicott.  They take what they don’t like or want to protect, look the person they feel threatened by in the eye, and put themselves or that thing into that object ‘over there’.  They keep saying ‘bless you’.  They don’t say whose name they are blessing in.  Doing away with the blasphemy law in the media has been an open door for witchcraft and occultism and using it to attack people covertly.  This was obviously going to happen.  I reject these people completely.  They are disgusting.  They just said ‘near continent’ (incontinent) in the weather, when normally they would have said ‘Europe’.  This will probably be a permanent fixture or fallback.  These people would murder to save their own skins.  Sports programme opened with ‘return to Europe if they behave themselves’.  Jenny Hill, is that Chris Hill’s daughter?  She works in media.  Does she know what is happening?  ‘Fat puddings looking for a pay check’.  Someone on the radio just cleared his throat as I identified that.  These people are the world’s rubbish.  They go into the opposite of what I say, if it is negative about them. That is the essence of witchcraft.  Upside down crosses and the Lord’s Prayer backwards.  It isn’t an urban myth.  Fearne Cotton wore a dress with upside down crosses on a show she did with Terry Wogan, the Pudsey Bear project.  And look at how she acted and spoke while covering the royal wedding.  She slipped in ‘fornication’ somehow, subliminally, she was rude to people who didn’t treat her with reverence.  There was something else she said that I can’t remember because of the harassment, but when I started watching she was on, and within seconds she said something about ‘our Canadian friends’ and made it sound like ‘Al Qaida’, and other people in the media were commenting on it in their programmes afterwards, I can’t remember if they were doing it openly or in code.  But looking at ‘Something for the Weekend’ or ‘Saturday Kitchen’ this week made me wonder if these people knew about the Osama bin Laden operation before it took place.  I understand that football started in Christianity, that is what people have been saying recently.  One of these cooking programmes starts before a programme called ‘Football Focus’, and when things are becoming too relational or spiritual on the programme, the presenter calls a halt to it by saying they will run into ‘Football Focus’ if they aren’t careful.  I think it is ‘Saturday Kitchen’.  I think it was the same programme where recently, when one of the guests was really enjoying and appreciating cooking, the presenter said something about ‘degrade’, which appeared to be an instruction, because they immediately went into rough speak, and they have been doing that to us for years.  To us or to me?  I find it torture.  When you come out of hospital, you are so personally stripped and deconstructed, and the violence of the drug experience has left you so blown apart in your mind and identity, if they start trying to degrade you, systematically, like that, there is little, if anything, you can do to resist it effectively.  I know my life is now on their terms, and my authorities are such that they might never be honest enough to come right out and challenge and change that.  It is illegal, whether they can make me believe it is just punishment or redemptive discipline or not.  I do believe it is just punishment and should be seen as redemptive discipline, and that is where I am weak when I should be strong, both towards the church, the rest of society and the media.  They are willing to let me believe that and, in some cases, use it deliberately, even to imprison me, like my neighbours, who bang every time I begin to connect in my speech centres and therefore with my person with the things I want to write.  I wish someone would help me.  I want to cry to someone, I envisage myself crying to someone, but they are either people who are torturing and imprisoning me, and I don’t want to validate that by crying to them, that would be wrong, or they are people I am being made to fear, like, for instance, Tommy Boyd.  Today’s footballer stalker story, Rio Ferdinand and a woman called Suzanne.  (She talks into my most fearful revelations and most intimate feelings, she is like a possessing demon.  “I am pure, you are not, you have defiled me, you will pay”.)  Tommy’s family has already been to the police about me (she’s laughing.  It’s as if she can sense blood, if she isn’t reading it direct, or somehow they are getting a blood flow, or go for blood.  They make me feel that my accusations of violence and torture are a lie, and the police I had to deal with last were unsupportive.  My terror is painful, I can hardly breathe.  These people act like satanists, calling good evil and evil good.  When I least feel like hearing these violent men boom ‘dobre’ that is exactly what they do.  There is something spiritual in their reactions, that is undeniable.  One of the men went to the toilet when I was venting at them earlier, in the usual confrontational and accusing way, and as he finished one of them rapped on my ceiling, which is a combination which happens a lot.  I love people like David Shearman, but he reads my blog, and I despise him for letting this happen.  He has no excuse for this.)  What I was saying and now feel dispossessed of (which is bad for me because it means what I am saying can be turned back on me torturously) is that I daren’t go and see Tommy Boyd.  I’m afraid of him for all sorts of reasons, not only that he might call the police.  I’m even more afraid, hysrterically afraid, of what my neighbours are doing and refusing to stop, right now, even as I am typing, and during the legal silent time.  They are hovering over my space, clearing their throats when I need possession of what I type, and commenting.  They are deliberately pressing down on my space.  If Tommy wants to help me, he has to come right out, explicitly, and make that move.  This situation demands it, I demand it, and I have a right to do so.  I have no choice, given everything I believe about this situation, but to say that.  Maybe he doesn’t want to help.  Maybe they are taunting me with false positives.  Given that he isn’t explicitly coming forward to help, it is at least 75% likely that that is the case.  But if I am wrong, why don’t people commit themselves to me explicitly?  Big dog upstairs keeps superimposing himself over my expression.  i wrote to a couple of solicitors today.  Their media has told them other things.  They have probably told them that as well, so they have turned the heat up.  It is two minutes past midnight, and they are still sitting over me like vultures commenting.  They are illegal on two counts.  Today has been really bad.  “I have good days and bad days”.  Yes.  Sometimes that is because other people deliberately make them so.  How patronising of these Holy Spirit rejecting people to tell me how to talk about my life and my days.

I think my neighbours might be on the make.  I go to say something like this and they attack me.  I wonder if their media, and/or UK media, is paying them, or has promised to.  I wish I could understand their media, then I could expose them.  They are all cruel torturers and should be ashamed.  Their country should be ashamed of them, even if it isn’t.  I can’t cope, they are breaking me in pieces, body and soul, these hard, machine devils.  They are not afraid, they are aggressors.  If they say they are afraid they are lying.  I’m afraid.  They can get me put back in hospital, that hell on earth.  I believe that knowledge is the part of their torture they don’t acknowledge to me, but it seems obvious.  They think they can get away with anything, and I can’t think of any other reason why they might think that.

These people don’t just take the food out of your mouth and candy from babies.  They are like pelicans, reaching right down into your stomach.  They fight for their lives by taking yours, if they can.

2nd May 2011

A test of true character is not just whether or not you are prepared to humiliate yourself, but who and what you are prepared to humiliate yourself for and why.  Paul said, “I know how to abound, and I know how to be abased”.

19th April 2011

3.33 pm Bulgarian time.  They appear to have their spiritual antenna up.  They were banging all morning, as if working on the apartment, and while I was reading, continually, but especially when something I read spoke to me or I wanted to develop it in my understanding, and once when I read something I thought I hadn’t taken into account or failed to notice.  While I was reading they were going continually, with strong interjections, bangingwise, at these points.  I asked them if their banging was harassment, violence and occultism today, but they refused to answer me.  I said I had a right to know, because I know sometimes it is, and so do they.

I stopped reading at 1.50 pm, Bulgarian time.  Ten minutes before the legal silent period between 2pm and 4pm.  At that point, they stopped banging, except for the odd thing, but it was a noticeable coincidence.  I noticed they had started again or were continuing at low level, with the same coincidental and intrusive pattern, at about 2.10pm, at which point, having tried to be reasonable all morning, I decided to call them on their illegality, both noisewise and harrassmentwise.  A few minutes later I put my cup on the coffee table, they banged back, copycat style.  I told them they were illegal and I was not, because their bang was harassment.  They have been doing low level stuff all through this silent period, most of it has been verbal, and from her.  To start off with her voice sounded full of hatred, grumbling, but they have had all morning and longer to be reasonable.  About ten weeks or more.  So I called her on that.  She has been doing the hallelujah every 5 minutes routine, and eventually I called her on that.  It has to be done.  I tolerate it when I get lax, and if I tolerate it they get worse and more psychologically violent, which I believe to be deliberate.

I tried to construct a new page.  While I was doing that, she was doing her verbal routine, and she has been using her voice like a whip.  Full of cruelty and sadism and mockery.  But at others she sounds nice and reassuring and that gets me off guard.  The sharp whip stuff has been lashing at me when I have been trying to think about how I want to express something and why and what it would communicate.  Therefore I changed my page several times at her psychological behest before I realised what was going on.  It was never quite right and oh no and oh yes and all the time that cruel, whipping voice.  Real, not imagined.  It appears to me that she is using Christianity and spiritual perception selfishly and with a cruel agenda.  Since I started writing this ‘Odd Thought’, that has stopped, but the man has been purring ‘hmm’s.  I seriously think they might be hacking my computer, as well as anything else, and as I typed that thought her voice came back in for the first time during this entry, like an angry, aggressive recognition and acknowledgement, but not apparently or overtly violent.  It is now 3.54pm Bulgarian time.  She has just taken control again, voicing like a little girl, which is something she does a lot.  I am wondering if this is some sort of spiritual mood or perception imposition.  I feel as if my mind must be evil to be writing this.  I hope that is only the effect of what they are doing.  If they are Christians this is vicious, and if they are Christians and it is organised, it is sinister.  But I am not sure that, for this kind of Christianity, it is untypical.  Other than that the usual violence, even during sleep time, continues.  They make a point of it.  I went to bed about midnight last night, with my headphones on.  Every time sleep began to take over, with a very welcome feeling, someone banged violently on the ceiling and I could hear it even through my headphones.  It is always the same.  It is the same when I think or pray.  When I let go to thought or prayer, or emotion comes, or the mental relaxation of finding something funny and wanting to smile, they are there with the banging or the verbal interjections, but often it seems to be banging, and I think at bedtime it always is.

I am understanding that rather than receive something in the aggressive and defiant way it is often delivered, especially when I know without thinking that it is wrong and they have no right, I need to receive and and accept it and think about it, hold it, until I am perfectly assured within myself that my instinctive rejection of it is justified, correct and appropriate.  If I let defiance and malicious reaction feelings take over and become a habit of my mind in a situation like this, I haven’t a hope.  So first I have to come out of that then accept the thing anew, and let it sit and my natural thought processes examine it until my rejection of it is not something that comes out of outrage.  If push comes to shove, it helps me to speak in tongues.  And if it goes beyond that as I say something like this, that it helps to speak in tongues (as it just did, someone bumped right on cue, and seems now to be trying to undo and reverse that even as I am typing saying it happened, and she has just said hallelujah into the relative silence as I remarked on that) I end up wondering if mentioning the helpful thing was wise, and if it was worth it.  You reveal your hidey holes and your enemies smoke you out!  It’s started again.  Every utterance of theirs, intermittent at the moment, is like a commentary on my writing and thinking.  A running commentary.  It is like watching an episode of The Muppet Show, if I want to think about it humorously, which I do, and it helps.  I move towards God, devotionally, and my own normality, experientially, and they move in.  I’m not sure I can afford to let this keep happening.  Is this selfish of me?  Should I make allowances for the fact that they are also being stalked?  But if they have good intent they should go to the police.  They know I think that is what they should do.  If they are strong enough to work me over every day, they must surely be strong enough to go to the police and handle the situation legally?  That is my thinking, and why I have chosen not to make allowances.  As I am writing now, in the silences the child voice keeps drawing me.  As if I am mesmerised.  When it does her voice comes back in, aggressively and almost hateful.  Every time my mind pauses, the same aggressive hatred.  I’m really tired.  It is 4.44 pm.

I was thinking of buying some new clothes last week.  Someone told me where they think I can get something in my size.  I have been standing up in these, with the occasional wash (washing machine, no dryer) for 16 months.  I’m sure that contributes to my wretched mood.  I’ve been so angry and intimidated and felt so worked over, I haven’t been out since before the weekend.  I want space from them that is all.  Is that wrong?  I daren’t even put my tv on, they will start shouting and banging at it, table tapping and ouija board style.  When I open up they fill me with slurry or violent banging, or tapping that sounds like a summons, or make me feel desperate and intimidated with a more or less aggressive, sometimes hatefully-out-of-mind sounding hallelujah, or pierce me with a child voice. Oh God, my ears, my soul!  This is desperate, not humorous.  I just coughed, because they have started the deliberate banging again, and she baged back with the same rhythm as my cough.  They know I don’t like this.  In the right mood it might be funny, and that mood just suggested itself to me and I felt/feel guilty and at fault for not responding kindly and with humour.  But it makes me angry.  That is my first response.  My mind, which I trust.  The alternative perception and feeling goes into my stomach underneath that, and guilty feelings are always the result.  This is intimate harassment.  They should go to the police, and they won’t.  They flat refuse.  They are insisting on this behaviour instead.  They make me feel I am being self-righteous even to say that, and I just got a threatening growl from the man as I typed that.  Computer hackers?

I went to the police last week. Apparently they were issued with a written warning.  That is what the police told me.  If anything they have got worse.  People come out shouting at me for shouting at them.  I met the police twice on the same day.  The second meeting was unexpected and at their request.  At the first meeting a really nice girl who turned out to be the interviewing officer’s daughter interpreted for me.  I went for a coffee and was about to go clothes shopping when I got a call from her saying they needed me to go back to the station, and I was worried.  In the end I asked for an hour and a half to do my shopping, but at the end of the call I thought about it and changed my mind, thinking I should respect the police and go straight away.  I got a taxi, announced myself at the gate, someone came out and very rudely, I thought, demanded my passport, which offended me.  I sat on the bench in the garden outside.  Male officers came and sat on the benches on the other side of the garden as they did the first time while I was being interviewed (I liked the casualness, it seemed calming and reassuring and friendly, the first time), but this time I was on my own and they were laughing.  I didn’t know what to put it down to, spiritual stuff or what.  I’ve seen it before, in and out of church, usually in prayer ministry times and since John Wimber and the Toronto Blessing.  There were women inside all laughing as well, and I felt angry and upset and exposed and vulnerable and grossed out.  The men were just looking and laughing.  Maybe I was told I wasn’t needed because I was earlier than arranged because I decided to go straight away, I don’t know.  I told them I was unhappy because I had been told I was needed urgently, I think, and that I had cancelled an essential shopping trip and paid for a taxi back just to be told they would contact me tomorrow.  I offered to wait until the appointment time, which was about an hour away.  I can’t remember if this happened at the same time, but one of the little guys watching laughed and asked if I was crazy, and I felt livid. When I raised it everyone denied it, and as he turned his back and walked back into the building I could barely contain myself and got upset and said that was harassment, but he kept walking and they were watching me from inside, with what looked like, in retrospect and in relatively safe surroundings, curiosity, but it didn’t feel good and I didn’t feel respected, anything but.  After the first session it was relaxed, I asked the girl if I could hug her, she said yes, we did, a few seconds after we broke I began to cry, tears of relief, maybe.  The officer made a relaxed joke with me about my name, Susan, and said Susan Saranden, they said not to worry, that they would protect me (I think my upstairs neighbour just banged.  I can’t see how they can not be hacking my computer.  I’ve “asked” them.  They haven’t answered).  Between that first and second meeting they met with my neighbours, and I don’t know what was said, if anything, to change my experience.  As soon as I got home they started again.  I was in a conversation with the man from apartment 1, who suddenly decided, after a couple of minutes fluency, that he understood neither my English nor my Bulgarian when I asked him if he knew my upstairs neighbours.  But after I went into my apartment he was up there talking to them straight away, and while I was on the phone to get my electricity switched back on, one of them made a vocal grab at my voice.  I don’t like this, I’m sorry.  Maybe I’m just an uptight snob.  But no.  The violence, etc . . . .  Later I realised he was the man who came hammering on my door late at night, modulating his voice menacingly, staring into my eyes and pointing his finger and ordering me to shut up, as if I was a dog.  The man I told to tell the people upstairs to shut up, and not me.  The man I felt molested by in the depths of my soul (and the way I reacted or wanted to react to that was not poetic, not pleasantly, anyway).

I haven’t been back to the police.  I think the news ran a story a few days later, or someone I watched or listened to did, about someone making someone a laughing stock, and I took it personally about my sitation with the polce and how I felt about it that evening.  I haven’t dared go back, even though it seems as if, normally, it should be the most appropriate thing to do in a situation like this.  I don’t want to make friends with my neighbours.  I think they understand the issues and still won’t either stop the violent and spiritually invasive and firghtening harassment or take up the situation with the police themselves.  Unless the police have taken their side.  I literally can’t understand it or express myself over it.  When I try things start happening.  They have given them a written warning.  If I try to think beyond that people start kicking off verbally.  I don’t know why or what is fuelling it, spiritually or stalkingwise, media, spiritually projected control and beliefs and invalidation, or what.  I worry when I say things like that.  I think my psychiatrist (do I still have one?) will pounce on it.  I’ve been told that legally I am not under their care anymore and that if I have problems I should contact my GP.  Susan Farmer told me that in an email when I aproached her with my threatened eviction.  I thought that, given my history, they should support me in a situation like this if asked.  My neighbours know about it as well, and they are still keeping up the rubbish.  I have felt as if they want to sabotage me and make me homeless.  If not, I can only put the kinds of verbal interjections into my communication when I type something like this down to their paranoia, because they are frighteningly ugly.  It makes me feel I have no right to be writing.  They are, actually, holding me hostage and trying to blackmail me or something, running riot and when I try to communicate, pissing in the toilet like an accusation or an interrogation.  They seem to be refusing to go to the police unless they get an answer to that, unless they have already made up their minds and it is an accusation.  That is what it feels like. An accusation.  “Tell us you did it and we’ll come with you to the police”.  Otherwise I get all the other stuff.  10 weeks.  Violence, harassment, total grossness.  That surely has to be challenged, strongly, in itself, and especially towards a vulnerable person?  I maintain they are not entitled to an answer from me, although it feels like the easiest and most reasonable way out.  It’s like, “you tell us what you have done, and we will help you“?????????  Or all the other stuff, gross, violent, interrogational, torturing, illegal or just downright ridiculous, or even funny, sometimes?  I want it to be taken seriously, what they have done and continue to do.  I feel she is striking into my friendship spot.  I can’t allow that.  I’m not sure what I should do.  When I typed that last sentence i felt satisfied with it, and he said ‘dobre’.  I’m freaked out.  I know it could be spiritual, but it sounds like computer hacking to me.  But their insistence on control (I think that is the kindest way to interpret it) is phenomenal.

18th April 2011

“Some psychologists maintain that love is the action of lending one’s “boundary” or “self esteem” to another”.  Part of an answer to a question on domestic violence as an expression of love and is it.  I’ve just had a thought – if a person gives in to the urge to violence, aren’t they just as much “sharing their boundary” as people who do not show love in such a dysfunctional way?  I think so.  Er . . . I think I must be wrong. I am wrong, ignore me.  Or am I just right in a way which is inconvenient and painful and embarrassing for me and that would be easier not to validate?  Violent people have feelings too, and not all of those feelings lead to the infliction of pain.  I’m confused.  Upstairs has just gone through their routine with me as their distress and gossip article.  When I typed “I think so”, she cleared her throat, stopped the crying (manipulative to my mind), became all sunny smiles and they all went silent.  I’ve just shouted at them that they are dishonest, that he is dishonest if he thinks violence towards me is OK and I am bad to react, that she is dishonest and a minx if she cries at my reactions to their goading and her husbands violent banging, but they have, in a way which is provocative and controlling and disdainful and disrespectful in itself, maintained their silence, as they often do.

I was only going to write a one line thought with a link.  I think John Pantry loves this kind of stuff from me and uses it to tease.

17th April 2011

News people dramatically vocalise everything these days, even violence.  Speaking as someone interested in psychology, lingusitics and spirituality, I think it is not surprising that there is so much violence in society, when we are subjected to this.  There are vulnerable people involved, I am one of them, and some of us are vulnerable because these people deliberately make us and keep us so.  Apparently they have no conscience of their own, but turn other people’s consciences against them, illegally and dishonestly.  I’m watching BBC World News at the moment.  It is 3.23pm, UK time.  She has just this second said ‘fantastic’, an agreed buzz word, Tommy Boyd.  And now she is mockingly singsonging innocent, really exulting in it.

My neighbours, and these people, are harassing me in a way that even a dog shouldn’t be harassed.  When you hear the snatching hatred in these women’s voices it is hard, so hard to stay on the track of the precision you should be capable of in communication.  They are all using occultism and witchcraft, with/including violence, psychological, emotional and spiritual, and that includes my neighbours.

My neighbours have been using violence on me for ages.  As well as torturing/occult taps.  They tap at my television.  Just now they tapped into the woman’s voice as it was coming down and sounded calmer, and it felt like violence, psychological and spiritual, at me, to place my voice and my mind where they want it.  It is, I know, and it is molestation.  It feels like molestation, even physically.  While I am writing now, whether it is true or not, I feel as if they are controlling my thoughts and emotions, sitting on them, reading them.  I need away from these torturing, violent, vile, blackmailing bastards.  Either they are trying to place me or project a false good about themselves.  But I know what they are doing, night and day, and it has been and is completely, wildly, grossly evil.  It is savage and satanic and criminal at every level.

During the day they taunt and goad and bang and tap, and they bang in the night.  The woman has a different voice for every conquest.  Hallelujah coupled with violence and torture is occultism and evil, isn’t it?  It must be.  That has to be right.  Even if it is from a Christian.  I hope that to most decent, right-minded people no other position would be acceptable.  Hallelujah coupled with violence, torture, interrogation and blackmail, with a refusal to go to the proper authorities, it is obviously evil, isn’t it?

12th April 2011

There is a post on Freshly Pressed by The Channeling Contessa.  I wonder if they have met my neighbour?

I’ve been wondering about this for some time.  I’ve always heard it treated in Church as if it is a straight statement of indisputable fact.

Jesus said He spoke in parables that seeing they may not see and hearing they may not hear.  So when He said at His trial, ‘ask them, everything I have said I have said openly’ was that straight or was it a deeper challenge?  Was it ‘to the shrewd He shows himself shrewd’?  Was it parable?  Was it in the same class as ‘where was John’s baptism from’?

It breaks my heart that I can’t do much with this, but just before I started writing, channeling contessa upstairs started up.  3 am.  And I’m being banged at again.  3 am.  I know there was somewhere I should have been able to go with this.  The woman is a spiritual thief.  I wonder if she always goes so violently for other women’s blood?  She’s Bulgarian, after all.  I read something over the weekend about abuse in Bulgaria, and it said that women are reported as being masters of mental and psychological abuse.  It has not come from my own poisonous mind, this time.

10th April 2011

I was just looking through some old comments and came across some from someone who wanted to stay anonymous, but called themselves ‘Just A Friend’.  I was wondering if it was someone I knew.  They haven’t commented for ages.

They mentioned the drugs queue and mouth checking and said how horrible it was.  I can’t remember having my mouth checked, but I thought the queue was bad enough on its own, and I never managed to make the step of empathy that would make me realise that having your mouth checked would make it even worse.

But it made me remember one of the worst things for me.  My experience of the mental health system started at Guys Hospital.  The first ward I was on there, the Cornelius Ward, was divided into cubicles by curtains, like many traditional wards.  It moved to the Ladywell Unit later, where everyone had their own, proper, lockable room.

The first time I went I was quite impressed with the way it looked.  The door had a pretty curtain which hung inside.

When I went back on a subsequent occasion, the curtains were all hanging outside the doors.  When I mentioned it and asked why, they said it was a security thing.  We weren’t allowed to have them inside anymore.  I used to hate feeling, and knowing, that anyone passing, patients and nurses, male and female, those you were OK with and those you weren’t, could just flick the curtain back any time to see inside.  Especially when I was getting dressed and undressed, I hated it.  Absolutely no privacy.  Basic human right?  No privacy, being shouted at and banged at.  It’s a bit like here, come to think of it!  I didn’t before, but I just did.  It was really bad.  Really, really bad.

30th March 2011

Bulgaria – where did I get the idea that some of these gross, insolent people are angels and the salt of the earth?  I can’t cope with them.  It is naked hatred and contempt I get from this woman.  Naked hatred and torture and contempt.  And violence from her and/or her husband.  It must be the language.  They purr and tweet sweetly, and you can’t understand a word they are saying.

29th March 2011

OK, call me a legalistic bitch, but my neighbour has been shouting intermittent hallelujahs all day, and it is now 1.13 am, and she hasn’t stopped.  But I’m not.  They are harassing me, like the constant drip of communist torture (according to Richard Wurmbrand, I seem to remember, but I was in my early teens when I read his book, Tortured For Christ, and it might have been a different source), every 5/10/15 minutes, all day sometimes, with violence and anger and mockery interspersed, and they won’t go to the police.

3.14 am UK time

This might sound old fashioned and prejudiced and (she has just decided to give her name, and I have seen her reacting physically several times tonight, Birgitta Sharma, I think she said).  She is dressed and made up like a witch.  They do.  At one point they did it very intensively at relevant times.  The woman upstairs has not shut her torturing throat all night, and she cries out and knocks when I type.  They are holding illegally, and mentally beating me up they are holding me hostage, pretending it is Christian (maybe they think it is, and someone is telling them it is OK).  I think they might be hacking my computer.  Something is going on.  They have been torturing me with constant techniques and violence and vocal ejections for eight weeks.  something is going on here, it is really dirty, and people complain if I complain, but no one goes to the police, even though tonight I have said it is for the police and not for them to hold me hostage.  I get hold of something strongly and she emits a violent shot from her mouth, my neighbour.  She won’t be told.  And I’m supposed to shut up and put up with it or be shouted at by other neighbours who do nothing to help, or have people surroind me with silence and do nothing to help.  They are bumping around even as I type, now, in a disturbed way.  They have been doing this for eight weeks, even waking me up, on piurpose, imposing themselves over my bedroom on purpose, or shouting outside my apartment early in the morning.  I have got so I daren’t go to bed.  I don’t feel safe, I feel clubbed.  Iwould say where I am exacly, but am not sure that would be safe.  The witch thing on the tv tonight, Barack Obama gave a speech tonight.  That is one of the kinds of times they dress up in that way.  She sounds very angry and aggressive.  I’m really tired.  Partly I feel embarrassed and humiliated, partly I daren’t go to bed because my neighbours will start on me, partly I’m afraid they will call the police who will find me so broken down and beaten up they will put me in hospital.  I have been tortured here for eight weeks.  Mentally beaten up every day.  And that is only here.  I am their hostage, whether I go out or stay in, I am so mentally beaten up.  In half an hour they can start up legally.  As I wrote that sentence the woman upstairs sounded happy and excited.  She must be talking really loudly.  I think people, authorities, know where I am, without me giving the exact location.  Why don’t they come, just because they know?  Because what they are doing is illegal, and they will incriminate themselves?  They keep striking surfaces, when I talk and when I think.  They hover over me all day.  I feel as if I am doing something naughty and guilty even if I think, because they always react.  Either that or something they do, or an energy in them releases me in the first place.  I don’t know.  But it shouldn’t be like this, whatever the explanation.  If it is energy from them I feel guilty because I am not saying I am grateful.  But it really shouldn’t be like this. They are torturing me and using violence, and the witchcraft thing on the tv can’t be innocent and ineffective either.  They are indecent and savage, all of them.  My neighbours constantly do auditory intervention stuff, every time I open my mouth and my voice comes in to land.  I think they deliberately create fear and hysteria in me to use it.  I think their hallelujah is a lie used for torture, and that violence and harassment and torture, deliberate torture, are the truth about them.  It is gross and frightening.  You can’t understand how much.  Her voice sounds so sweet and pure.  The whole experience is disgusting.  Her voice sounds so sweet and pure, except when it is aggressive, and she has just said hallelujah.  Is she hacking my computer and does she think it is OK?  Or is she speaking to someone else who is?  She just said ‘da’, it is as if she is answering and commenting on and reacting to what I type all the time.  Including the nervousness when I say what is happening and how it appears.  I don’t know what to make of this and it has to matter.  This is not church.  This is a counterfeit.  I don’t care what Roberts Liardon would have me think.  He is a deceiver and a liar, telling people in church not to bother with people who have left.  I don’t know where Tommy Boyd and I stand with each other at the moment, but several times today I have thanked God for him, that listening to him has given me the courage to say and to know that Roberts Liardon is absolutely and completely wrong.  Damn, now I’m doubting it!  And that is crazy.  But I can’t stand here on my own, Tommy.  If you’re reading, you brought me here, and I’m glad, but I need your help.  My love.  No romantic intent intended.  She keeps saying hallelujah.  Oh my God.  As if I have done something wrong by blogging about all this.  And maybe I have, but my torturers don’t have a right to object to that, do they?  I would go to bed if I thought sleep was a possibility.  David Shearman put it into my head that these people are Christians.  Maybe that was my mistake, or maybe it was only that he is hacking their communications as well and they don’t even know him.  The woman on the tv has just started talking about rebuilding lives and sorting out conflict with neighbours.  And the man upstairs has just shouted.  Going for my tongue, for my possession of my own communication and control of my mind, it feels like.  This situation is wrong.  The tv isn’t loud.  It seems to me the tv people are either hacking my computer (are they being fed a script, I believe I have heard evidence before that my emails have been hacked in process), or it is a spiritual phenomenon, or it is both.  I think I will try bed.  They are demanding action of me, the tortured, their hostage.  It isn’t fair.  Every time I start to understand, every time I think, they utter a sound which stops my throat and tongue.  Is this hysteria my own legitimately guilty reaction?  They are making me feel like it.  But the violence.  My guilty feelings and feelings that they are reasonable can’t be right.  It is spiritual outcry, she has just done it again.  Moaning, little witch.  At least criminal, if not witch.  And rightly called criminal.  I believe so.  It has to be right.

28th March 2011

1.47 pm.  BBC World News.  The man doing the sport used an item to issue an occult command, ‘don’t show off and get carried away’.  Also they are creating an occult illusion, deliberately, saying things like ‘good to have you with us’, and they are using team torture techniques.  Keep it tight and pass the ball.  I’ve known this for ages.  And imitating Bulgarian speech.  It is deliberate torture and interrogation and phishing, and gagging, at a psychological and spiritual level.  I’m writing in intellectual and academic mode, not reactionary or hysterical.  They are deliberately feeding me to my harassing neighbours.  She shouted hallelujah when she heard him sigh.  She is a witch affecting Christianity and using team torture and intimidation and harassment and violence, between them, to get occult control of me and my tv.  I know to some people, and even to me, it will sound crazy.  That is the mental deception and illusion produced by the false innocence affected by the presenters.  They keep tapping upstairs as well.  Constant torture.  OK, I’m stopping.  The presenter is loving this.  Too late, he has exited in mocking triumph, and she has just shouted out with a savage, savage tone.  Now I AM breaking down.

3.26 pm.  I think Mishal Hussein just did a deliberate false close.  She said ‘that’s it’ about a minute or so before actually finishing.

I’ve been thinking, they have been putting out these serious, stern, strict, ‘thou shalt be joyless’ faces at us for ages, and now they are putting out puppy dog faces.  I was going to say something else, but I’ve completely forgotten what it was, I have just had a violent bang from upstairs.  I’ve just remembered.  At 6th form college, I studied drama and theatre arts.  We even did news reading exercises.  We were taught to read the news without trying to convey an opinion.  But my main thought is that these are drama-trained people, and that they are deliberately putting themselves, by the look of it to me today, into a ‘soft’ zone that they are trying to maintain.  Sometimes you can see them working at maintaining the attitude of their presentation, whatever it is.  They rabbit and race and play stupid as well.  Most of that is also deliberate, and they affect speaking in tongues.  Often they affect a river of it right at the beginning of their sessions or parts of their sessions.

Also I am thinking people lie, especially people in power.  I’m having doubts about this nuclear leak coverage.  Remember weapons of mass destruction?  They are still managing to make everything suggest the toilet, and some of my neighbours’ harassment has been aimed at that level.

I have things I want and need to do.  I feel really upset, in my stomach.  I’m not sure why I am thinking this, but that will have to do for now.

Oh yes, Gadaffi.  And the death penalty.  They still have the death penalty in Libya.  Our people are misrepresenting the situation when they present it as madmen and despots shooting at rebels, I believe, because I believe they still have the death penalty for rebellion against the government.  I believe it is misrepresentation, deliberately so if the death penalty for rebellion against the government is part of Libyan law.  In the UK we had the death penalty until into the 60s, Bulgaria dropped it in 1989 or thereabouts, or 1998, or something like that, and the US still has it.  Aaron just talked about ‘the expensive stuff that goes in our cars’, and giggled nervously.  People often say the west’s that Middle Eastern issues is about oil.  He said ‘that’ll’ in a way that sounded to me like devil.  I really believe people read my writing even as it is being composed and before it is published or sent in an email. The woman upstairs keeps crying out ‘halelujah’ every time I recover an emotional state where I feel able to discriminate in the way I want to communicate and the words and terms I want to use.  It is really mashing me up, and has been for ages.  And I still have urgent domestic issues I need to deal with.  It isn’t fair, it is savage, uncaring, and criminal harassment.

6.03 pm  Shortly after I finished the last part of this update, the official NATO word for Libya became ‘IMPARTIAL’.  Nik Gowing on ‘The Hub’ is saying, in reality, how realistic is impartiality?  My answer to that is that, if we do not respect their laws, we have no right to involvement anyway.  If we don’t respect their laws, maybe we shouldn’t be insisting on doing business with them because it supports our environment-damaging lifestyles.  I heard people saying it wasn’t in Britain’s interests for the rebellion not to be successful.  The person who said it was a British politician.  But Gadaffi and his supporters are right.  Libya is for Libyans.  We shouldn’t be involved to protect what we see as our interests.  If the death penalty, which we no longer have, is a problem for us in Libya, why are we hand in glove with the US, who maintain it, at least in some states.

We talk about the supremacy of law.  How much respect are we supposed to have for our rulers who impose and advocate that,  if we see them so blatantly disrespecting the laws of another country for the sakes of their own interests?

15th March 2011

I am sure my neighbour is a medium, even though she shouts ‘hallelujah’ and things, because every time I stand in my own energy and get a thought flow that feels as if it could be nourishing or helpful or connecting in any way, she verbally interjects, it’s like a sharp, soft shot, if that makes sense.  They seem to be holding each other up against me, and the men shout intimidatingly and scathingly, and people still bang violently.  When I begin to stand up again in my own space without the fear, it is usually her that starts all over again.  They won’t get off me.  I haven’t been out for over a week they upset and frighten me that much.  I’m still in Plovdiv.

1 pm  I wish God would take John Pantry’s menacing innocence and provocative, disturbing and dislocating mockery and shove it somewhere painful – for John, that is, not for God.  Apparently Lizzie Crowe made a time mistake this morning. She said 10 am instead of 8 am.  There are two hours between UK and Bulgaria – we are ahead.  I wonder if [:-)] that was a telling mistake?

14th March 2011

This Bedawi woman on BBC World News is a hateful, savage, satanic, contemptuous and rapacious woman and a spiritual thief, and I can’t stand her.  That goes for most of them to a greater or lesser degree.  They rape with language and mixed messages and facts they are not entitled to.  A couple of days ago they drew attention to the fact that Nigel Mansell retired from driving, and I wondered if it was coincidental with anything that happened with David Mansell.  We weren’t told that, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  He was disciplined.  I’m not sure what was involved in that with regard to the media, if anything.

Alan Woodroffe (Woody) used to watch ‘Cheers’.  There was a character in there called Woody Boyd.  I’m sure that must have been related.  Nobody told us any of this.

I am now being subjected to torture, by my Bulgarian neighbours and all the media pressure which is being put on me by all the bodies I know that communicate through the media, and my Prime Minister David Cameron is fully aware of this and is trying to turn it to put pressure on me to go back to England with no official commitment to deal with the things that made me leave.  Only a ‘heart’ communication, if it actually exists.

The cow Zeinab Badawi has just gone for my throat.  When they lose control they throw back to my contemptuously and indifferently silent neighbours.  I can feel them doing it.  She just made a big meal about parading her ‘I’m in control’ body language like ME, I’M in control.  yes, she is.  The stalkers are in control.  She just said professor so and so and snapped ‘thank you’, as if to say ‘thank you, I’LL have that’.  This is satanic provocation.  Either that or I am supposed to get on a plane and know that I will be met with help at the other end.

Zeinab, I want you and people like you to lose your jobs.  I want the media to be in the hands of people who DON’T engage in contempt and stalking.  I’d be up for it, if I had the training.

Zeinab, don’t sit there posturing and reposturing your spindly body at ME telling ME I am watching the NEWS.  I am watching STALKERS, criminal STALKERS.

7.45 pm UK time.

11th March 2011

9.30 pm UK time

I am told some people thrive on conflict, and if it appears not to be there they will find it or create it.

I’m sure they are drawn to certain jobs.  One of them, I suppose, will be news and journalism, because feel good, good news stories are a novelty item.  I suppose anyone in news and journalism who doesn’t thrive on conflict will be pretty miserable in their job.

Not only that, but it is essential for their job.  There has to be conflict or disaster or something like that, to keep the numbers up.  people can do their own feel good stuff at home.

I was just thinking.  I’m not fit to comment on anything today.  They seem to contrive to make every disaster in the news feel to me as if it is about me, then I come over as all selfish because they cloak the news disaster in the trauma of my own life. I suppose that is a fairly damaging image that I am being burdened with.  It’s very distracting and paralysing and psychological game playing in every way that I have already written about extensively.  There was an earthquake in Japan today.  I’m so embattled myself I can barely connect with it.

Did people ever simply report the news, or have they always acted it out and invested it with all kinds of emotions and wrapped it in emotional language?  They seem to anthropomorphise everything at the moment.  That makes stalking really easy for them.

I’m sorry for what is happening in Japan, and am really upset that I have been bombarded with so much of my own stuff in its presentation that I haven’t been able to deal with either reality.  Tim Willcox is on playing his word games.  I hate him, I hate them all.  They are such devious slugs.  Such awful, horrible, co-operate or piss off and we’ll keep stalking you people.  They are awful.  They make me want to scream, often, and sometimes I do, if other things are bombarding me enough.

I suppose after writing this it would have been obvious that i would feel some degree of emotional release and resolution.  As always, this is where Tim Willcox like everyone else came in with his ugly miaowing cat impression and followed it up with the word ‘now’, in strict tones, like someone saying, ‘now, you’ve been told’.  They are hateful and injurious and they always leave me wanting to cry.  I can’t believe, with enough thought, that that isn’t their aim.

The trouble with me is, if someone looks lovely and distinguished, i can let them get away with anything, or at least feel really crumby and guilty for saying anything.

The man I wrote about in my last post is on the news now, and he is talking about the earthquake and ‘its appalling sibling, the tsunami’.  He must be talking about me and my sister.  I’m not sure which is which.  But if he is, for whatever reason and with whatever motive, he has no right to be using it while the request and invitation for someone to help has not been withdrawn.  They are just messing around, and the only sensible and logical thing to believe is that they don’t care about us, or they would move and act as soon as asked and invited?

After I wrote the other day about the man who ordered me to open my legs, the japanese looking girl on Newsround was almost in tears, and I’m sure she performed an action she was being ordered by her employer to perform.  It looked as if it was really hard for her.  She ran her hand up her leg in a sexually suggestive and provocative way.  I feel sorry for her, she was obviously distressed, and she is young, but she is in the business and she has done a lot already.  Why can’t these kids walk out and draw the line?  For goodness’ sake, what is wrong with them?  She compromised herself as well as offending me.  If they won’t draw the line in what they are prepared to do, they will be taken advantage of throughout their career, and standards will continue to go down in broadcasting.  Some people involved get away with murder, literally.  Not metaphorically.  Literally.  As in really killing people.  If these people will not draw the line in what they are prepared to do, particularly if they have the live camera and could expose it on the spot, victims are going to continue to be powerless.  Since I started writing about him jamie has been doing a really fast tongue-lashing exercise.  It inhibits my own thought and speech.  It is psychological gagging.  If these kids want to be respected and trusted by friends and employers, and the viewing public, they have to draw the line, for their own sakes.  She seems like a really nice girl.

8th (and 9th) March 2011

My upstairs neighbours are really hurting me, they bang and yell every time I open my mouth, even if it’s only to cough, or even if I think or concentrate silently.  At the same time, I’m hearing people suggesting that people are being told that I should be approached with care, others talking about if you stand up to bullies they flee (I suppose Jesus and His family must have been bullies, then, when they fled when Herod decided to kill babies to get the future king).  I feel completely disempowered.  I’ve got violent and savage bullying from my upstairs neighbours and people on the tv and radio sounding so innocuous while talking about the garbage that sometimes comes out of my own mouth in an attempt to deal with what my neighbours do.  All of them, physical and media, are equally savage.  I’m terrifed and I have nowhere to go.  If I hit back people on the radio, like Neil Pringle yesterday on BBC Southern Counties Radio Sussex Breakfast Show, come on about me being over the top and wanting to kill people, ‘stuttering’ to make something sound like ‘Marcus Aurelius’, a post I put up a few months ago about anger and empathy.  They make me feel as if they believe I am the only person supposed to be showing empathy, because they are not showing any.  They are continuing with their illegal stalking, however they are achieving it.  The Bible says do not love with words only, but in deed and in truth.  Eliza Doolittle says ‘words, words, words, I’m sick of words, don’t talk of love, show me’.

They keep literally hitting on me from the safety of their space above the ceiling. Even if all I am doing is thinking.  The violent, scumbag, savage, cowardly bastards. And so is everyone stalking me or letting them.  John Pantry and Michael Yusef (the fleeing bully man) included.  When I moved a few months ago Premier ran a series of Michael Yusef called ‘Look Who Moved Out’.  They stand so tall and upright while they are doing it, using the things I love, that it is their arms I want to fall into crying.  But what they are doing is an abuse of their position.  Isn’t it? (9th March: It would be more accurate to say that I want to rush at them in tears and beat on them to stop.  They would probably continue to stand there, stock still and impassive.  They are good, decent human beings after all.  It is the only way to help a rebellious person like me, if they can be helped at all.  I’m not being sarcastic.  As soon as I got up this morning my neighbours were all over me, matching every sound I made with one of their own.  I need someone to remove them, and the criminals driving them, even those who claim to be Christian, from my space.  That isn’t going to happen though, is it?  They are stalking me so closely and so deviously they are making me feel indecent.  it’s my sister’s birthday today.  David Cameron was on The One Show last night.  There were close look alike images of her and me and other people I know throughout the show, and the presenters were playing to their reflection in the window behind David Cameron.  They made reference to it several times.  I wish I had never spent any of my time on this.  It has messed up my mind and my life.  These days I think it is good policy not to believe anything you see or hear.  I feel like the guilty person for even caring or for trying to challenge it.  I was thinking, it’s like a form of freemasonry with its secret signs to members.  The downs syndrome girl on The One Show looked like my sister and her sister looked like me.  There was at least one other lookalike of my sister, and Alex has her hair cut the way I used to have mine.  All the women on tv had the same haircut soon after I had mine done that way, including Fern Britten.  That could be coincidence, though.  My hairdresser might just have been one of the first with the fashion which was already taking a hold anyway).

This is really humiliating.  They don’t want me to make any connections with anyone, with any dignity.  My life is ruined.  Nothing will ever be OK again.  For me there is no such thing as a fresh start anywhere, unless I crumble to the people I have been taught to love as God’s servants and say that I have sinned and their bullying and stalking have all been acceptable and justified.  I can’t cope, I can’t take it.  It is violence and witchcraft combined, close up, I don’t even have the language, it is savage hatred and cowardice, and the police are such scum they stand back and let it happen, and one day I might be a victim of their violence (again) myself for writing this, and in the meantime no one will identify themselves, in straightforward English that would stand up in court as a committment, and offer help.

When imitation is linked with witchcraft and stalking and violence, hidden or obvious, verbal or physical, it is not the sincerest form of flattery, it is rapacious and theft.  It is gangland and mafia stuff.  I’m a fatherless, husbandless, childless woman probably entering menopause, victim of stalking and parental suicide, in a country where I don’t speak the language, and they are doing this to me.  I don’t care how unmoving a face John Pantry and his ilk put on their actions, this is not what I grew up believing Christian leadership was about.  I feel so mashed up I’m ready and willing to accept it as the bit they always knew about and couldn’t tell me but that is absolutely appropriate in the circumstances.

David Shearman keeps identifying me with the woman at the well, who had 5 husbands, and the one she was living with was not her husband.  Some people have called her a prostitute and a loose woman.  Others have said that in those days a man could divorce his wife for burning the toast, or its equivalent, so she was probably a victim with a really poor self image.

My last few sexual encounters were years ago, believing the men involved were Christians, because they said so, and believing that, because they were Christians, they had the right to do anything they wanted to me, because that was what my leaders had done.  At that time I was convinced that a man I met in the street and who gave me a bit of his chicken was an angel.  It’s what they are still doing, and what they are allowing to be done, maybe saying it is the lifestyle I have chosen and its consequences, because that is the kind of thing they say and how they justify their inaction and censure.  One of the men was a next door neighbour, before the new houses were built.  He came in, to talk about something, he said, and the next thing I knew he wanted me to have sex with him.  I was confused and didn’t move, and he commanded me to open my legs.  It was smutty.  He inserted his finger (this was straight after my first time in hospital).  He said his marriage was in trouble.  I was programmed to obey orders by that time.  It was the only way to be safe.  It still is.  The threat usually comes from the person giving the order, and it is brutal and illegal.

Hexagon is trying to evict me for not being in my home, even though they know I left because I didn’t want to deal with the bullying and official dishonesty and indifference to their own crimes against me anymore.  They have my keys, they forced entry while I was away and changed the locks.  I don’t have keys to my own home, and they want to evict me.  They’ve already sent me the papers and said something about the 5th April.  They took complete control of my housing benefit years ago without even telling me, even down to making sure that rent increases were met whether I informed housing benefit or not.  I found out by accident, when I didn’t get a form in on time one year.  I feel like an animal caught in headlights because of what is happening, including the media stalking that uses this knowledge.  My housing association knows I want to go back to my home but that I want them to deal with the bullying from themselves and from the neighbourhood first, but they have served eviction papers instead.  I can’t think.  I get a sharp, verbal interjection from upstairs every time I so much as think.  It isn’t my imagination.  Sometimes it’s banging, equally sharp and violent and contemptuous.  And the men on the radio sound like gangsters.  More of that later.

Lizzie Crowe started to relax in her speech this morning, and John Pantry talked about keeping a straight back.  They do that a lot.  I had Michael Mish on at the time.

Upstairs are violent and stupid, and if I shout and lose it they carry on, then they become calm, leaving me and my plans in tatters, because I can’t cope with the expressionless faces except for censure and inquisitiveness I get outside.  Also the fear that the violence they express through my ceiling is one day going to become actual, physical violence.  This is the work of Bulgarian Properties for you.  At the moment they are the only company I know that I can pay with a credit card.  And maybe, if you get close enough to them, every other company is like that as well.  I don’t know how straight they are.  I read something on the internet by someone who had been ripped off by someone connected with them, who I knew myself.  All I’ve had from them is prejudice, discrimination, subliminal interrogation and abuse, and coercion.  Fast and sharp, and no attempt at all to deal with complaints about what they do.  They turn round and blame me or say they don’t know what I’m talking about.  Even though I cite words and incidents I had no part in but were performed against me by their staff or associates.

I’ve got Nik Gowing, The Hub, BBC World News on.  He’s a thug.  I’m not apologising anymore.  Their communication is violent and dishonest and manipulative, psychologically and spiritually.  He started by saying ‘rebellion’ loaded with the same disdain as if he were a charismatic church leader.  He stares straight into the camera, pretending to be talking to us but insisting on his colleague’s name, then opens his hands out almost as if performing a psychological/spiritual operation, then talks about heartlands, but I feel attacked in my throat.  He’s just gone out all sweetness and light.  These people hate me.  Any hatred that comes from me is a weak reflection from a powerless target and victim.  I wish I could do harm, but I only feel that when it is happening to me in my home, and I don’t carry any kind of weapon.  I try not even to take my feelings out with me, because no one cares and sometimes they make their contempt obvious and that makes me feel worse, if it’s obvious that I’m hurt and upset about something and no one cares and is even openly contemptuous.

I think some people, like those who use the media, like me feeling like that and like me experiencing things like that.  These people are sly and like to take advantage of people when they are weak, but they don’t follow up on permission when it is given.  They don’t commit.  They want to keep an advantage.  All they are committed to is their own careers and protecting and furthering them.  They would and do lie in order to do so.  The code has nothing to do with ‘heartlands’ and everything to do with not wanting to have to extricate themselves from a clear statement.  I trusted these savage dogs.  Many people do.  They are constantly using hand and finger gestures which, together with the psychological context and their words, are suggestive of sexual molestation.  The weather people do it low down, often near the end of their report.  Nik Gowing just did it high up.  Ben Brown is trying to increase the pace, which usually ends in me hysterically trying to document everything they are doing as they do it.  I was told, years ago, that these people are really cynical.  Tommy Boyd taught me to believe they are not.  I want to believe him, but it seems obvious that they are.  Fast and working from low to high intonation.  Ben Brown is affecting urgent hysteria.  That’s right, Nik Gowing, we are watching.  We are not with you, you do not welcome us into your studio space, we are not keeping you company and we don’t want or need thanks as if we were.  All of that is psychological manipulation and maybe even provocation.  You are pumping out and encouraging something with the same power and pitched to the same place as a psychotic delusion, and you’re doing it with psychological violence.  We have turned on the television and chosen to watch you.  Given what you do, I am not sure why.  Nikky Gowing has just come back on.  He called away from his microphone, ‘you’re with The Hub’.  We are not with The Hub.  The Hub is with us, and everything else is just as bad in its own way.  End 5.17 pm UK time.  I need some teabags.  The pressure always starts to go up as I try to go out.  He is modulating between repeatedly addressing himself to a microphone which gives the appearance of not being there for him for the first few seconds, and affecting intimacy.

4th March 2011

I wonder if it is true, that there are some people you shouldn’t let yourself believe anything good about?

But I saw something on BBC World News about soulless architecture, and it showed something looking like a tablets packet.  Maybe we’d all be OK if we had decent space.  Maybe they think they shouldn’t let themselves think anything good about me.

Rusty wrote something in my little denim-looking autograph book:

“There is so much good in the worst of us/ And so much bad in the best of us/ That it ill becomes any one of us/ To think evil of the rest of us”.

Although I believe that, I do find that some situations stretch me more than I would wish.

11 JUly 2010

I once read, or heard someone say, that the medium is the message.  This is expressed in many ways.  Christians have said, ‘you are the only Bible some people will ever read’.

I was just thinking, sometimes people are afraid, especially when they don’t understand something, or can’t make themselves understood.  I don’t need to say ‘I think’ on this, because we all know, that is where most conflict comes from.

Then I thought, while trying to figure out how to deal with it, that I don’t want to sit around a table telling people that the Bible says ‘don’t be afraid’.  That’s not what I want.  I want to live in a way which takes people’s fear away.  There are people who have done that for me.  They know who they are, I’ve said it often enough.  I want to do for other people what these people, that I love dearly and to whom I am thankful for the beauty of who they are, have done for me.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, Oh LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Amen.

14 September 2010

OK, here’s an odd thought, a REALLY odd one.

2000 years ago, a man I never met, from a culture I don’t know, is supposed to have consciously included me in the full number of everyone he died for.

A man died for me.  A man I never met, from a culture I have little modern day experience of, 2000 years ago. . . ?  Um.

I’m a fifty year old woman, fatherless through suicide since the age of 11, no husband, no children.  How am I supposed to feel about that and express those feelings in my relationships with both sexes, with every level of society, with Christians (of whatever persuasion) and people who are not Christians?

Also, how am I supposed to relate to and be nourished by the love and friendship of those who vehemently oppose this?  Is it even a possibility?  I feel it must be.

If this man died for me, who and what does that make me?  I can’t not be a fatherless, childless, husbandless 50 year old woman.  Or can I?

It’s just an odd thought and, in terms of my security in God, purely academic, unless, I suppose, this feeling of being loved on by so many people is illusory and illegitimate.

If someone sets about planting their voice in your consciousness as a guide to your conscience and actions, is that a good thing?  Even if it is someone you have loved all your life?  As I settled to write this, I heard David Shearman’s voice in my mind and in my ears, telling me not to.  It was ringing in my ears.  I feel as if I have dishonoured him and chosen writing over his offer and desire for intimacy, which fired off in my brain as I started to write.  It felt like a choice to write meant I lost the possibility for intimacy which was on offer instead.  It could be a mental trick, feeling so afraid and knowing I’m being stalked.  Sometimes I feel what he does is a demand and a psychological imposition of himself.  The building up of a picture of things pertinent to me, and then giving the blessing to someone else, feels like part of this.  It’s a common Pentecostal/charismatic trick, and a few days ago I was thinking it is the way a preacher expresses his anger, hatred, contempt, disapproval towards a person.  Part of how he bursts their bubble and brings them down a peg or two.  Or is it the only way they can say all the good things they want to, by using a proxy?  What about the person so used?

I keep coming to a certain point in my thinking, then thinking of Michael Mish.  I often want to call Tommy Boyd Michael.  It stops me in my tracks and I resist it.  It’s crazy.  The whole thing.  The whole situation is ludicrous.  There is no friendship.  If there was they would tell me and let me enjoy it.  Enmity I can see, very easily.  It is so obvious I daren’t say so.  It is so powerful the only thing I can do with it is try to make it into friendship.  And I wish it was.  But it is anything but.  I’ve never felt quite such a depth of enmity from people before, and I’m too frightened of the hold they have on me to try and disengage.  Or rather, they have established such a deep hold on me, especially Tommy, I can’t disengage.  If it can’t be friendship it can only ever be negative.  And that hurts because I think I love him.  I only ever seem to spark hatred and rage in him.  Maybe even fear.

8th September 2010

BBC are lying again.  Today’s One O’Clock News is not intended to be put up on the site.  They might change their minds after I post this, they sometimes do that sort of thing.

I think today it’s because last night and this morning I watched news from East Midlands and the South, for the first time.   Very salutory, people behave themselves on there, at least to some extent.

I went to watch it last night and my internet connection was interfered with.  Same as on Wednesday night when i wanted to record Winning In Life.  Of course, it could just have been weather conditions,  or unexplained and naturally inexplicable coincidence.

20th October 2010

Hey, 20.10.2010!  Way cool!

I was just thinking about the book, “The Thirty-nine Steps”.  I remember the bit at the end where the main character met up with the other eople who had been part of the plot, but they were all acting differently, as if they weren’t the same people and hadn’t been involved in anything he knew they had.  One of them had a distinctive eye, hooded or something, I think, in the way he blinked or something.  Like a hawk, or something.  That slipped through once, and as it did everything flooded back on the protagonist and he knew he was looking at the same people and that everything had happened exactly as he knew it had.

Monday 8th November 2010

I just had a thought which, in its context, might have been irrelevant, but the most succinct way to put it is that you construct a straw man by continually grasping at straws.  If you don’t want a straw man you have to become intimate with the reality.

12th November 2010

Hey, hey, hey, here’s another one!  ‘Tis 12.11.10.  I really love these significant dates, they are great fun.

I was just thinking, I worked as a temp in an office once.  4 of us were called Sue.  Just imagine.  It’s a good job it was only for a day.

14th November 2010

I had a homegroup leader in Nottingham who wrote to me once and told me that Satan would always try and get me on the pride angle, and I think he was saying he does that to everyone.

But every time I have a flash of light that enables me to say I am not proud and be happy about it, I remember C S lewis who said, ‘If you say you are not proud, you are very proud indeed’, or words with equivalent meaning.  In terms of psychology I think I recognise this.

But this morning I thought about the Psalm where David said, ‘Lord, I am not proud’.  As far as I know, my teachers have always accepted that as a true statement.

16th November 2010

Quit Tommy’s blog today.  It’s now 8.25 pm UK time, and none of today’s BBC1 news slots are yet up.  I’d bet any money they won’t be.

19th November 2010

11.28pm UK time

Here is a controversial proposition, perhaps.

If someone asks, ‘what have I done to you?’ the only appropriate response which can bring resolution and freedom is ‘I don’t know, tell me’, and it needs to be answered in concrete terms.  ‘What have I done to you?’ could be the expression of an awful emotion.  You need to identify the words and actions that contribute to it and deal with the facts.  I think that is the beginning of moving on.  A hug, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter, won’t solve anything.  They might or might not be the end point.

‘What have I done to you?’ is a meaningless question if you are not willing both to be told and to say what you HAVE done or said that makes you ask that question in the first place.  It is possible that it won’t matter to the person you have asked as much as it does to you, in some cases.  But if you ask that question the person needs to know exactly what you have in mind before it can mean anything.

11.40am UK time

Sunday, 2nd January, 2011

The Slaughter of the Innocents – Christians in the hands of an angry pastor.

Wednesday, 12th January, 2011

Unfortunately, I’m listening to Premier, 15 minutes behind.  I say unfortunately, because at just about the time I started listening, which I have just caught up with, John Pantry’s voice took on an angry note, just before he started reading from the Bible.

They opened the programme with an instrumental version of Graham Kendrick’s ‘The Servant King’.  I had a solo verse from that at my Bible College graduation:

There in the garden of tears/My heavy load He chose to bear/His heart with sorrow was torn/Yet ‘not my will, but Yours’, He said.

They have used this often.

I’ve also noticed that they seem to construct prayers which reflect the situation between Tommy and me, affirm Tommy’s side of it, and leave me feeling outraged.  They want to keep the separation alive.  Tommy said a few years ago that there was someone in America, I think he might have said Chicago, which is where Robb Thompson is.  The idea I got from what he said was that Robb Thompson was using his personality without his consent and he hated it.

I think they do this all the time, use our personalities against each other.  I think they deliberately set us against each other so we daren’t meet.  They make us unapproachable and ugly to each other.

They continually suggest that Tommy is a Christian, happily submitted to them.  It is hard for me not to believe this, and it makes me feel ashamed, because I think HE thinks I’m wrong and that I’m trying to manipulate him against what I know to be right and everything.  It strikes right to my soul and spirit in a way I have two immediate pictures for.  One is the rich man and Lazarus, after they died, and Abraham told the rich man that there was a great gulf fixed between them which no one could cross to relieve his thirst, and the other is the absolute separation between the two lovers in 1984 after they were tortured to the point of saying, ‘don’t do it to me, do it to him/her’.

I don’t know how I feel.  In a way I don’t want to hear from Tommy, in another he has made such an impression on me I . . . I almost feel like an obstinate child that won’t let go of its favourite toy.  Tommy isn’t a toy.  So let’s say, I feel like an obstinate child that won’t obey its parents. Who are verbally stroking and pawing at me and shouting at me over the airwaves.

The condition seems to be that when I come back into perfect obedience to the church,, then I get Tommy back.  It does feel to me like the best and right way.  As if they are saying to him, ‘don’t get involved with her until she comes back to us’, and he is in agreement with that.

A few years ago I had a moment where I thought I saw and heard in the spirit that Tommy had become a Christian, and I felt really pleased.  I kept waiting for him to tell everyone.

I’m not sure where this came from, if it was true or not, but it seems to be the constant suggestion of the church, whether it is or not.  From the separation he is maintaining I can’t see how it can not be true, because that is what I am used to from the church.   Obviously he might have other reasons.

I’m a bit hesitant to talk like this, he is married, and I’m afraid it might sound too intimate.  People in church started accusing me of improper intentions as early as 12 or 13 years old.  A year or two after my father died of a self-administered overdose.

It isn’t my wish either to be cruel or adulterous.  Psychology says that if you call a person something long enough that is what they become.

They are also using Faure’s ‘Requiem’ during the breakfast prayer time.  Tommy said he liked that.  I’m sure that has something to do with me feeling very silly and stupid as I see him there as a Christian far ahead of me, whom I love, but who knows all the tricks I’m playing, and it feels irreconcilable because I can’t get rid of that pcture.