Tag Archive: Society


I wrote it today, about an hour ago.  It wasn’t explicitly Christian, but I am a Christian and I have posted a lot of things on the Christianity board, partly because I wanted Christians to see.  First it started being moved down the page, then it disappeared altogether.  Scroll down, it is the post before this.  I don’t understand or agree with these rules, if that is what they are.  I’ve used the ‘copy post’ facility so this has all the same tags and categories.

I’ve also updated my ‘My Stalkers, And Other Animals‘ page today.  Check it out.  It’s heavy.

PS straight after posting this I checked the board again and the original post had reappeared on page 2!  Before that I had checked about 6 pages.  But even then they position and reposition things.  Frame and reframe.  It is almost like freemasonry.  But I feel bad saying that, because I feel I should be grateful for the protection of myself and those involved.

Question:  SHOULD I feel bad?  I’d be interested to know who thinks what and why.

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On the 3rd, the next day, I walked down Vitosha Boulevard in Sofia and passed a doorway with blood spattered in front of it, just like the reports of mafia shootings, though of course, it might not have been.  There were a couple of police in attendance, no panic, seemed pretty routine.  Lots of big drips of blood.  Straight after my post the day before, on the popular boulevard I was walking down, though I didn’t think it was in any way linked with me.  I hope not.  If other people are going to be hurt because of what I write . . . I hope that wouldn’t happen.  I can’t get my head around the possibility that I might be that significant.

Film Gomorrah Link.  Not downloadable via iPlayer, other recording options possible.  Available until 2.29 am Wednesday 3rd August 2011 UK time.

Documentary – Italy’s Bloodiest Mafia Link.  Downloadable via iPlayer and available until 12.19 am 3rd August 2011 UK time.  If downloaded via iPlayer or other options offered by the BBC site this is available for 28 days after download and can be re-recorded to a permanent format using other software.

The Scoop Radio Interview Link.   Not downloadable via iPlayer, available until 5.02 pm 7th August 2011.

I just noticed these today and two of them have almost expired.  So far I have only watched the documentary and by the look of it the film is about the same group.  The documentary made the same comments as my own observations and thinking have pieced together with regard to the relationship between the mafia and the state.  I appeal to the sources I learned to think from to forgive me for forgetting that this is not a product of my own brilliant mind, because in my situation I feel as if my observations and thinking are unique to me and my own direct observations.

I’m in a hotel.  I’m still getting a woman’s ghost voice.  This has happened many times.  People always say there is nothing happening and no one there that I have described.  Fortunately I now book through Expedia and can write a review of the hotel.  People seem to be angry around me, slamming doors after the documentary finished, and slamming again just now, so I’m wondering again if my internet connection is being hacked.

Two facts made an impression on me from the documentary about a group in Italy.  One was the mafia equivalent of the three wise monkeys, hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.  Maybe that is where it came from in the first place.  People who speak out against the mafia become isolated by friends and family, and it cost one man in this documentary his marriage.

The second was that one of the people interviewed said they entered into a blood pact, swearing on the Bible.  I didn’t know the Bible was involved.  I’ve always felt the confusion of a religious pull with it and now maybe I know why.  It would make sense to me anyway.

I’m quite isolated myself, and one of the men in the documentary talked about having the sign of the cross made at him, and said it was the same as saying they wanted you dead. I’ve had that done to me, and that is how I felt as well.  That and that maybe they were trying to protect themselves against sexual temptation or something.

I need to do some research on the Bulgarian mafia.  That is obviously the thing in my own mind.

The Italian documentary said that if a person stayed in that city for a month it would be impossible not to buy something that would fund the mafia, that they were involved in drugs and business and prostitution, and extortion was mentioned a few times.  They said 15 year old boys were involved so they could have all the right clothes etc, because otherwise they are nothing.  To me another reason for radically lessening the hold of the fashion industry on the media and advertising.  The media creates ‘the valley of the dolls’ surely, among people of that age, all the pressure, media and peer, classification of what is good and bad, in and out.  Good image and bad. Fashion is pushed and dictated beforehand.  It is decided that something is going to be the look, before it is even on the streets, then people are persuaded and pressured to go get it.

They also showed a football recreation ground that was a gift from a mafia boss.

It looks as if the film and the documentary are about the same mafia group in Italy.  The names are almost identical.

I haven’t heard the radio interview yet either, which is available until the 7th.  That is about a journalist called Jake Adelstein who chose to write a story about Japanese organised crime in spite of risks to himself and his family.

This is the ‘more programme information’ paragraph on this series and on this particular interview (underlined emphasis my own):

“Startling stories from behind the headlines. Neil Mackay – the Sunday Herald’s multi-award winning Home Affairs and Investigations Editor – hears from fellow investigative journalists about the biggest stories of their careers. What on earth drives them to pursue a scoop well beyond the point of their own safety and possibly their own sanity? After uncovering a scandal including a top Japanese Mafia boss and the FBI, Jake Adelstein was told “Erase the story. or we’ll erase you. And maybe your family too” Neil Mackay hears why Jake did decide to write the story despite the risks to him and his family.”

I have highlighted the ‘possibly their own sanity’ phrase because I am wondering how those threats are posed and if I would just be being egotistical to identify myself with this.

New readers take note, some of these people are named on my blog, most are not, in most cases because I don’t know them.  And when I say ‘imaginary friends’, some of them are friends in both my imagination and their own, and most of them are friends only in their own imaginations.  And obviously, throughout this communication, ‘friend’ can be substituted with ‘enemy’.

Or, to all stalkers and computer hackers everywhere.

(Shall I do it Kafkaesque? I think this is Kafkaesque, but I’m not sure).

They always say that, you know.  It wasn’t my fault.  I didn’t want to do it. They made me.  I had to do it to keep my job.  I was just obeying orders.  Yes, I knew people were real people, yes, I knew I was contributing to suffering and in some cases, most cases, authorising or executing people’s deaths.  I became a really cruel person to cope with that.  I couldn’t handle my conscience in the job any other way.  They disgust me, these people.  I, I, I.  I did it because this and I had to be this and that to handle it, but I never really wanted to.  It was my upbringing, at the time I had no choice.  Of course I’m sorry for the people I made suffer and killed, but I had no choice.  It was my job, you see. I was under orders.  I was under orders.  I had to obey orders.  I had a family to feed.  I had to keep my job.

No, it isn’t Kafkaesque, I thought it could have been, I thought I could do it, I felt in the ‘zone’, but . . .

My neighbours have just started up, hmm-ing and banging.  They know when my alarm goes off in the morning now.  I don’t normally use one, I haven’t used one for years, but I decided I wanted to set a time to be woken up or to mark the desired time of my latest waking, so that I would be setting the terms of my own waking, in the hope that being woken up by violence would stop.  But they know what time it goes off now.  When I came back from the police, at around the time my alarm had previously been set to go off (it was early, about 5.30.  I decided to let them have a wake up call on their own dirty terms, by day three she was screaming at me to shut up.  Can’t understand.  They have been at me relentlessly and mercilessly for ten weeks, in every private place and with more injurious means) a sound like a loud siren went through the whole building.  Retaliation. I don’t know what they were expecting.  I lay there in shocked silence, maybe angry, I can’t remember.  Probably defiant, but I can’t remember.  Possibly not defiant.  I had already changed my alarm to go off at a far more decent time, 8.15.  (If you want to know what my neighbours are doing as I write this, read yesterday’s ‘Odd Thoughts’ entry.  I won’t rehash old stuff again today).  When it went off at 8.15 they commented, souded disgruntled for some reason, but I don’t know why.

They try to pass themselves off as sweet, playful children.  Or she does, anyway.

Anyway, yesterday they made a noise over my bed just before the alarm went off.  Today they did the same thing.  I can’t remember how it went exactly, the order or anything.  I think a noise just before it went off.  It went off and I let it run out.  On purpose.  I didn’t switch it straight off.  Normally I would have done, like a nervous, obedient by training servant or something.  It ran out, and it went off again.  They seemed a bit annoyed.  I felt I had a point to make about whose home this is.  Anyway, as soon as it stopped, she imitated the sound of its buzzing, then tapped, then ran her tongue off, but not at me, almost as if I wasn’t there.  I don’t know if it is my own shock and grossed-outness and failure of resources to handle such grossly outrageous behaviour (is it outrageous by Bulgarian standards?  I still don’t know.  The days of the People’s Court are not that long gone.  I wonder how much it has been left behind in their thinking and practice, whatever their written laws say.  if my experience is anything to go by, it has not been left that far behind with a lot of people, even hallelujah-touters.  I say touters.  There is no guarantee that they are Christians just because they say hallelujah.  Some things, I believe, are not a matter of Christian education).  But back to my pre-bracket sentence.  Maybe it is my state of shock which causes the coincidence between my thoughts freeing up or creativity beginning to flow or separating from them in anyway, and the violently invasive and or ugly interjections which hit/meet those times.  My change has no intention.  It doesn’t happen by intention.  It might come out of a process of thinking, that I decide I am free to pursue my day apart from their terms and I begin to plan it, but most times I don’t even get that far.  All of this is silent.  But their actions are intentional.  They speak, loudly over my air, like a spiritual pronouncement, and I am sure it is intentionally. . . . it’s too weird to explain.  Or they bang.  If I cough natually and unguardedly, they bang.  They did this morning.  It is obvious which comes first in that situation.  But which comes first and what causes what when I am silent and they are noisy?  Are these wrong questions to ask?  Are these questions in themselves the nature of occultism?  Am I wrong to be concerned with these questions?  (Reminder to myself, mental illness, stalking, harassment and occult.  The bit below my blog title.  That is the reason for my questions.  It is not because I am proud or relationally inadequate.)

So here I am, I’ve been whipped and dragged a merry dance again.  I don’t know why I write it all down, it feels like the only way.   I want to go to the toilet but am afraid.  I want to shit, and they start saying dobre and hallelujah.  Every time.  Or banging.  I’ve always believed (she just ejaculated ‘dobre’ as I typed my bold italics.  See yesterday Odd Thoughts. But then see the rest of today’s post and know I haven’t a clue.  Before that he was purring prayer-ministry- type ‘hmm’ agreements.  They are stamping their territory today, still refusing to go to the police) that kind of thing is indecent.  Are they trying to force me out with indecent and violent invasion of privacy?  It looks that way.  I say I’ve always believed, but that isn’t really true.  It has never come up before for me to have an opinion about it one way or another, not even in my basement flat in london, really.  I should just stop writing instead of letting it take over my posts.  I don’t know why I don’t.  Probably a combination of exorcism, appeasement, stubbornness, fear and blind panic.  Outrage.

So, if I can retrieve something of my original intention.  What I was going to say was, to my stalkers, my imaginary friends and enemies, known and unknown, media, church, government and ‘other’ . . . .  I know . . . nothing.  She aims at my throat, and I know nothing.

So I’ll ask a question instead, which I intended to ask anyway.

OK, I can hear you stalking me.  You say you like me.  You say this is good, and that is good, but you’re not sure about this, and we need to back off and be careful, etc., etc.

But like, you like me, yeah?  From your stalking of me, that is the impression you have of your feelings about me.  That feels good to you.  You trust your own judgment, and you are happy because you believe I am worth stalking, because you end up believing good about me, and that makes you happy, and that feeds into your output in your programmes, or you can weave it into your sermons or policies or other presentations.

But what about how I feel, and what it does to me?

You are like expectant parents, cooing and taling over a baby in the womb.

But . . .

If you invaded that baby’s person and environment, as you do mine, for the same kinds of assessment and analysis and judgment, what kind of monster or creature do you think might survive to emerge?  Someone being stalked without their knowledge, or without proper acknowledgment of the fact when they realise, has no more resources to cope than a growing foetus, and no more chance of survival.  How, in your thinking, have you managed to change a person’s status from being a victim of your injustice and kidnap, effectively, into that of someone who should respond with gratitude and humility to your recognition (true or false) that they are and have a gift, and your terms of operation or utilisation?

We don’t do answers on a postcard these days, do we?  I was just thinking of the person who said that (Cindy Kent) and her part in this.  I could have expressed it very acceptably and decently and reasonably, but that foul, occult hallelujah indecently harassing criminal demon-child of a woman upstairs just made a verbal snatch for my thought.  That is what she always does.  They are always telling me I have no right.  Whatever I do.  How grossly entitled can some people feel and believe themselves to be?  I challenged her and she giggled.  That is gross in itself, given the ugliness and criminality she operates in most of the time.

If I don’t get this out, you will play with me until I do.  But you will anyway, and make me feel disgusting and guilty or disempowered and vulnerable, whichever fits.

There is no such thing as public opinion, because the public is made up of many people who hold many different opinions, and who are confused about th eir opinions and change them often, or are paralysed into inactivity or other manifestations of distress.

So I’m wondering how this became an accepted and acceptable concept in the first place?  It is a handy concept to impose, for some people and organisations.  Is it about making money and controlling people, or what?  I can’t think of anything else at the moment.

If you can invoke the concept of public opinion, you can use it not only to say ‘this is good and this is bad’, but also ‘this person is good, and this person is bad’.  In some societies the ‘good’ people can kill the ‘bad’ people for lesser crimes than murder.  That is not to say that killing people for murder is good (though for them it might be preferable to a lifetime of interment). 

I was going to say why should we be punitive by making the punishment last a lifetime, but then I thought about the possibility of change and rehabilitation which wouldn’t be available to them, or us, if we killed them.  Maybe, if we want to be really kind, we should give people an option of the death sentence or a lifetime’s imprisonment or stuck on a psychiatric ward on drugs.  If we are going to argue for voluntary euthanasia and the right to assisted suicide I can’t see why not.  And it might sort out the prison space problem and problems in the economy too, because we wouldn’t be having to pay for them.

You could argue that a life in prison or on psychiatric drugs is not the kinder option, if the person would prefer to get the whole thing out of the way immediately and just die.  Why should we want to deprive a criminal of that option, unless we ourselves are sadistically and viciously punitive?  But then there are others who are sadistically and viciously punitive in the other direction who would say, ‘and a good thing too, taking our space and costing us money’, but they might have a harder time maintaining that if the option of the death penalty was seen as a kindness rather than the ultimate punishment.

A Few Stray Dogs

‘How much do you think you are worth, boy?/Will anyone stand up and say?/Do you think that your life is worth nothing/Til someone is willing to pay?’ Graham Kendrick.

I just had a real stray dog of a thought, bit of a sick animal.  I was thinking about Nero, playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  I thought maybe he didn’t do the wrong thing.  Maybe it was the right thing to do.  Was there anything else he could have done?

Then I thought wait a minute, he was a ruler.  There must have been something else he could have done?

But we aren’t all Nero, and rulers.  Man, I must be sick.  I’m thinking for some of us it might be exactly the right thing to do.

I think all I really mean is that I wish people wouldn’t pull worst case examples out of the hat and use them to put pressure on people where the comparison is completely inappropriate.

We can pray.  Of course we can pray, if we are religious.  I was going to say Christians then realised Christianity isn’t the only religion that encourages and advocates prayer.

There was a bit of a dialogue going on a few years ago, between ‘prayer changes things’ and ‘prayer changes people’.  The latter position says that, even if your circumstances and situation don’t change when you pray, you will change, and maybe consequently your situation will as well.

I had a conversation on the phone yesterday with a lady from my credit card company.  We got talking about coincidences because the number of my new card was similar to the number of the other new card which I didn’t receive.  I asked her if she had unsettling coincidences in her life as I had in mine, and we mentioned phone numbers. She said that her phone number was almost the same as her friend’s number, but with the numbers reversed.  I told her about my Skype number, and that one of the options offered was the first three numbers of my landline followed by the last four of my critical method lecturer’s phone number.  I rejected it, just stopped trying to get a number, then decided I’d quite like it, but when I looked again a few seconds later, it was no longer available.  Strange.  Instead I ended up with another one, which had the first two numbers of the last part of his number reversed, and the last two numbers of the last part of his number reversed, all in the last part of my number.

That number has lapsed now, I might have to start with a new one.

So I’m assuming a lot of people are subject to these ‘coincidences’.  Coincidences?  And what are they doing to our minds?  And what aberations are they causing in our behaviour and reasoning?

I’m thinking about the marches and demonstrations.  Maybe I shouldn’t be.  But is that really the best and most effective and responsible way to express discontent and dissatisfaction?  Especially in the internet age, when networking and communication about these things can be obvious and open, as a march is.  Surely internet action could be given the same kind of news coverage as a march? I think it should be.  For a start, there were thousands of police at the march yesterday, and have been and will be in attendance at other marches and demonstrations.  That is thousands of man hours and probably tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of pounds.  Does that help us economically?  Or does it add an extra drain?

I wouldn’t like to condone violence and damage to property in demonstrations, but I do realise there is discontent among us, the little people, at the bottom of the pile, while the big business and banking employers march off with tons of wealth. Sometimes anger comes out violently, with everyone, to some degree or other.

I think the news agencies need to make a big shift away from the sensationalism of demonstrations and that internet action needs to be highlighted instead and positively encouraged as an alternative.  And if people want a family fun day out, maybe a march isn’t the best thing?  Perhaps something which would add immediately to the quality of their lives and maybe to the economy would be better?

That isn’t a stray dog, and I didn’t have this in mind when I started, but I think it is a brilliant and responsible and progressive idea and am sure other people must have had it as well.

Behind the Veil

Are women wanting peace, privacy and protection.

Gosh, this is hurtful!

When I was in London and on the bus, I would sometimes look at Muslim women and think they were so lucky, being able to cover themselves like that.  I thought that, with some of the men they had to encounter on an every day basis, being able to cover themselves must be a blessing and feel like a protection.

I feel like that today after having been out on Bulgarian streets.  I was at the bus station in Sunny Beach yesterday afternoon, and this group of young lads appeared at the stop opposite mine and one of them said, or rather, put out into the atmosphere, ‘Christian!’, then the whole group started playing around with it.   Mimicking and stuff.  Maybe I need to start confronting this instead of sitting there in silence or just staring at them and hoping they will have enough shame and decency to stop or apologise or something.

I don’t know what they were saying, it felt awkward.  I don’t know what they were saying, but there was a lady near them about 4 people away, and she was almost in tears.

And I think the bus drivers are as bad.  That is my interpretation of the scene without the language.  On the bus to Plovdiv yesterday I lost it with a couple of women next to me who, every time they ran out of steam for whatever it was they wanted in their conversatiom, would laugh and say ‘Jesus’, and it always coincided with when I was beginning to be alone with my own thoughts.  In the end I vented, after which I felt stupid and embarrassed and wanted to apologise but didn’t.

I said something like ‘will you stop saying ‘Jesus’ every time your conversation begins to run dry?  He happens to matter to some of us.  You need him for a pretty conversation, and I need him to make sure someone doesn’t kill me’.  A few seconds later I  really let rip with scathing, painful, sardonic, mocking anger and mimicked their attitude saying, ‘let’s all play with the man we killed’.  Self-righteous bitch, I know.  Everyone reacted, sounding uncomfortable and upset as if they had understood.  A man near the front adopted a bitching tone, and I let fly back with it, sounding deeply emotionally disturbed, and said, ‘You know nothing.  You know nothing about me.  You don’t even know me, so shut up’.  At that point things settled and some of the people around me seemed to become more relaxed.  So did I.  I even fell asleep briefly a couple of times.

These women were also going on about diabolos and anglichanka.  so was the bus driver, but not in a tone which carried any significance.  I didn’t hear the bus driver say anything about diabolos.

But near the end of the journey it seemed as if people started to loosen up within themselves.  Looking back it was probably because it was the end of the journey.  People started to chat, there was emotion in their voices, they didn’t sound dead.  To me it sounded good and nice.

But at that point it sounded as if the bus driver and his mate got uncomfortable and started objecting.  They had said something at one point about anglichanka in loaded tones and put the radio on.  I’m not sure if they are trying to cater for me or what.  I try to interpret it kindly.  But they got uncomfortable and started booming.  And then they started yattering and I felt as if it was some sort of communist/socialist ‘this is how it is, we all know that, ignore anyone who says different, they are stupid – like her, no names no pack drill but she knows who she is.  We are the drivers and we are in control and this is what we say’.

The relaxation seemed to disappear and it went silent, and when someone did speak it was in the same dead voice as before.

OK, no further with this recollection.  But this is why I wish I could wear a veil.  I think a few decades ago it was acceptable in England for women to wear veils. Sometimes in some places when women are out on their own, they need the protection of anonymity and if wearing a veil was widely acceptable as an option they could hide from predators of every description easily.

I think in Islam it is not only a religious symbol but also a protection for women.  In that respect I think it is good and necessary.  The fact that some people abuse it should not lead to it being forbidden for those who do not.

Full face covering.  Yes.  Sometimes a woman feels it is a must.  Any woman.  Not just Muslim women.  Can we have it back please?

I’m a Christian, and I’d like to wear a veil.  At least sometimes.  To cover my own shame.  My own shame, brought on by my own actions and words and kept alive by lack of reconciliation and resolution, at the very least on a legal level.  And I personally say this to the shame of the people who are in hot pursuit of me and are, for some reason, afraid, ashamed and embarrassed to use the powers of the law at their disposal and have blocked me when I’ve tried to, not against them, but against myself.  As taught and instructed by the church.  And even by politicians and the media.  They sometimes talk about amnesties and turning yourself in.  Is that and the process that follows only available to people without a mental health diagnosis?  Or are the authorities in my borough, the borough of Lewisham, corrupt?

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