Tag Archive: stalking

BBC World News

Do you know that if you are in the UK, you aren’t allowed to watch it?  It is available for live streaming on the internet and on cable channels abroad, but if you are detected on the internet to be in the UK, you can’t watch it.  You are physically barred and a message comes up saying you’re not allowed to watch.  This is a British broadcast of World News, it says.  But in the UK you can’t watch it.  I hope people are going to ask why, I think they should.

I have UK connection through an unlock VPN provider.  That’s how I know.  I use it to watch and download UK tv.  It’s legal.  I hope it stays that way.

David Edes is on BBC World News, weekday mornings.

I’m trying to write in spite of the fact that my hysteria would have me not do so and in spite of the fact that my hysteria blocks my access to the way I want to write and even makes me write in a way I don’t want to.

I’m hysterical because the way they target me psychologically and linguistically leaves me feeling I have been touched in my private parts.  It was a man, dark skinned guy doing the sport, and all the time he was doing it he was eyeballing ‘the camera’, with a sort of stupid, vacant look on his face, but also quite intent.

He started off saying ‘we’, in that significant way they do, and later in his presentation he came back to saying something like I heard a week or so ago, ‘now, I want to talk to you about this‘.  It was said in the tone you would adopt if you were telling someone off, that was the scenario they set up.  It was as if they were talking to a naughty dog.  It was demeaning, dehumanising and very distressing.  But they keep going, as if they haven’t done anything wrong.  Maybe it was one man coming to the aid of another, because David Edes was visibly upset.  But if they do it by treating a woman that way then these men are completely indecent and evil and not fit to be unleashed on anyone.  I wouldn’t want to be married to them, and if I had children I wouldn’t want these men anywhere near them.

And there they were, molesting secretively and moving on as if they had done nothing wrong.  And I’m sitting there watching and becoming more and more physically distressed because it was tantamount to an indecent touch.  Although I feel it, I continue to watch, trying to come to terms with what they have just done, and also open and interested to see where they go next.  But watching them and listening to them, I do myself a disservice.

But this sort of thing happens any time I begin to recover.  This machine is disgusting, degrading and murderous.  They have gathered all the information about me that they can and use it to try and present themselves as people who want to help me and who understand, but when you begin to think independently of them and repossess your own life, they attack you in this way.  If they are not allowed to be the helpers and the benefactors, they will just as happily turn round and assault you in this way.

It makes me feel as if I am wrong and that, as a woman, I should respond to these men on their terms and that it is unreasonable of me not to do so.  It makes me feel they have a right to molest me in this way if they don’t get what they want.  These career people shaping the way we see the world are acting like the scum of the earth.

I feel like a bad woman, because I object to be treated this way.  I believe this is how they want me to feel, or they would not adopt that tone.

Or maybe they don’t care how I feel, they just want their own embarrassment to stop.  So they go for me in that way and feel helped, but I feel so worked over I’m too distressed even to leave my home.  A sexual touch opens people up. It’s like linguistic hit and run rape.  And knowing all my electronic communication, even before it is released, is being watched by govenrment, media and church people makes it even worse.  They are there watching, and do nothing.  Then they turn and try toi make you think they are the people supporting your life because they don’t stop your benefits.  But you never know when they are going to, and if I was properly compensated for what they have done to me I might never need to make a decision ever again that was money based, I believe I am entitled to that much compensation.  I could live the life of Reilly, and that would be wonderful

Is this kind of thing what David Shearman was referring to when he said ages ago that it is molestation?  If so, I agree with him on that.

Yesterday the BBC New Channel put together an account of a teenage asylum seeker who said she had a torch shone into her face once an hour during the night to make sure she hadn’t harmed herself (common sense says there are times to leave people alone to sleep, and this happened to me in hospital as well.  And if a person is ill, they need sleep?  No further comment), with a sign saying ‘Welcome to Crane’, an asylum seekers’ unit and also the name of the secondary school I went to and where I was repeatedly molested by a male teacher who has now died, and this story was immediately followed up by a story about a teacher charged with sexual molestation of a pupil in school.

I think the people upstairs must be watching television or listening to the radio or something.  I believe the media here is stalking me as well, and as I typed that bit, which is obviously a part of me that I need to possess if I’m to have any chance of recovering my life, the man started to shout out.  maybe the same man that pitched up and shouted aggressively outside my flat on my first or second day here.  This happens repeatedly.  I have nothing to relate to anyone with, the onslaught of violence, aggression and molestation is so continuous.  It’s as if they are saying, ‘don’t touch that, that’s mine’, every time I begin to engage with my own life and experiences.  It’s not theirs, it’s not yours, it’s mine.  It is mine.  It’s my life and history my mind is beginning to engage with every time someone touches me in this way.

All of you, whoever you are engaged in doing this, UK and anywhere else, you are indecent, murderous bastards, and I hope you are made to pay.  You are going to pay.  There are other voices than mine in agreement, and I hope they read this and act.  And I hope the media stops using my life to shape its material, whether news or entertainment or lifestyle or whatever.  Because these people are the criminals and the space invaders, not me.  Are they too stupid, so morally and ethically far gone, they can’t even see that?


First published 9th December 2010, after a post on veganism.

Edit:  This is a Sticky Post – Stuck to the front page for future reference.  It didn’t appear in any of the tag categories I selected, I assume because it has too many tags, although plenty of others that HAVE appeared have more than the 10 suggested in WordPress Help.

I brainstormed on the tags.  One reason I have stuck this on the front page, so you can search the categories any time, and so can I.  And what I say in this is relevant much of the time.   If you look at my tags in this you get an idea of how I think and feel about what is happening and how I think it should be perceived, understood and treated.

Spread the word, please, if you are with me.  Maybe if I break up the tags into easier to handle chunks I can get the post into all the categories I want, if I reproduce it or something.

Just listen to the sickly sweetness on Premier right now.  You have an hour.  I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t criminally fuelled sarcasm, teasing and stalking.  They are not sincere people, even if they sound it.

Listen, you will hear them using my blog.  Even this.

They are taunting people, maybe me, with ‘Ah, you think YOU are always right, do you?’ But whether I am or not, I’m not using criminal means to enforce my opinion.  They are.  These Christians.  If you can’t win and you want to cry, mock and laugh, they say.  These carers for souls and God’s vision for humanity as a whole.  Unfit for purpose.

What’s it like, playing God? Esther says.  You’re asking the wrong person, Esther.  I wouldn’t know.  You would though, if you think He authorises the use of criminality and everything else in my tags to destroy a person.  Croaking and squeaking, most of it is deliberate and to hurt and offend FOR NO GOOD REASON EXCEPT TO WIN FOR YOUR ORGANISATION and you have no right to my sympathy.  I am not you, I am weak, you are abusing your position.

And you keep teasing, making out you’re going to comment or pass an opinion on what I say, but talk about something else.  I can hear the mockery in your voices, past experience of you all helps.

I love it when John Pantry gets hsi knickers in a twist about something being blatant.  If he’s talking about me, he’s projecting.  he is seeing things that were not intended at the time of writing, but I am awfully glad they are there.  But they weren’t intentional, so it is all, for him, a product of his mind, guilty and sneaky as it is.

Thank you for seeming sweet, guys, even if you are not.  We all need our illusions, especially at this time in the morning.  Pity mine don’t hold.

Got it – they are taking the message to their own consciences and forcing them outwards. That’s what this kind of Christianity does, all the time.  Look at the blogs, see how often they talk about they rather than I or we.  They think it is a sign of good authority to stand out in the street complaining loudly or pointing the finger, literally, in someone else’s face, a member of their congregation.  I’ve seen and heard it all, and deliberately recoil from and distance myself from it.  Buzz, buzz.

I’m being censored.  This doesn’t appear in any of my tag categories, 50 minutes on, and the Premier news just had something said with firm sternness about needing medical help.  It’s not new.  Maybe that is why Premier felt able to mock so freely and why it was so effective.  They caught me on my blind side.  I assumed it was going out and being shown in the categories.

Rick Easter, I have no responsibility.  I’ve already tried to meet it many times over, and you continue to taunt and terrorise based on the consequences.  You are angry, degrading people.


Yesterday I made 3 blog posts, and this week, including yesterday, I have done some searches on my tags and read some interesting stuff, mainly around religion, psychology and philosophy.

This programme is interesting to me at this time.  I always feel for people who appear to be in distress, and some of these people did.  Miranda Hart is a new name to me.  I’ve just discovered she is a comedienne trained in acting and in politics whose father held a position in the Royal Navy at the time of the Falklands war.  Nice.  A bit of class.  And they ended with pandas.  I like pandas.  And I learned there is a backbencher called Alan Futhermucker (or was that a joke? It was said in the context of a newsreader making what was, for him, a distressing and embarrassing mistake over Jeremy Hunt’s name.  The poor newsreader was mortified.

So why has the BBC squawked over the whole tone of the programme at the end with metallic and empty twitter from a girl talking about the next programme?  Is this the BBC saying, ‘we give you the platform and we set the boundaries.  We control perceptions.’?

I know this happens on the television when it is television, but on the internet recordings we don’t get that throw forward, as it is called.  Not normally.  This is the first time I have seen or heard it with an iPlayer TV programme.

So why now?  I hope it isn’t something we can expect on all future programmes.

The thing is, they are smashing at people’s minds and ability to think, including mine.  The jarring is deliberate, the timings, I believe, are deliberate, never quite enough time to ‘be with’ anything.  They say it is because our attention spans are not that long and that they are accommodating that ‘fact’, but if that is really what they think and why they do it, there is a sizable and voluble section of the population that is saying, ‘hang on, this is dumb down stuff’.  I am part of that section.  I’m not one of the people who doesn’t care about that, I care very much and object strongly, just on the general level.

As someone who is actively being targeted for stalking or whatever people want me to call it (stalking isn’t a very nice word and we are all lovely people) I find it particularly chilling, infuriating and petrifying.

I find it grievous too, because having just turned 50, I’m looking back and blaming myself for having allowed them to invade and control my life, and limit it, to the extent that they have.  In the coolness of thought, with everything that was happening to me and around me with family and neighbours and other contacts and acquaintances, I had no choice but to give attention to what was happening, and it did set out to make a grab for me.

As I’ve said before, I’ve asked over and over and over again for people to make proper contact through normal recognised channels of communication, and on the very few occasions that someone has their communication has seemed to me to be controlling and evasive of the issues.  Most of the time people don’t.

The whole thing has left me feeling that I have been too relaxed and happy and chilled for people’s comfort, so they set out first of all to destroy me emotionally and have me blame myself for it (or other members of my family or friends), then they can easily go for my underbelly, or jugular, and ruin my reputation (ha ha!) or make me do so myself.

Sometimes I look at what I’m feeling and the areas of personal development I feel I need to work on and think it is more appropriate to teenage angst than it is to a woman in her 50s.  I mean, I’m over the hill, man.  I’m Saga age!  People were talking about retiring at 55 yesterday.

I look at my attitude and realise it has become as unattractive and disrespectful as what I have constantly been fed exposed to.  For me, disrespect is not a gateway to answers.

I’m thinking about the student marches.  More later.  Except the same things that shape me shape them.  It’s obviously because I’m 50 years old.  I once had an employer who had a student or graduate customer come in all the time and tell him how to change his business.  It infuriated him.  He kept saying things like, ‘bloody kids, you can’t tell them anything.  Coming in and telling me how to run my business.  They think they know it all’.

Our young students are the same.  Who has taught them this invective and rhetoric?  Do they think they are thinking for themselves?  They are trying so hard to be the young, bright, entitled people they have been taught to believe they are in the face of a government which is now saying they are not, in effect, if not by intention.

We talk about reason and debate.  Why are these poor young kids with no idea of the world having to fight this on their own with such shoddy weapons, risking arrest?  Are the parents not voluble, or is it just that the media isn’t letting us see that bit?  Why are the marches being shown and, it could be said, glorified, but no one is saying anything about the parents and their role to fight for their children’s future?

These children are not independent.  Their futures are under threat.  And they don’t really understand what they are dealing with.  That isn’t their fault, they are young. They just haven’t been around long enough, no matter how well-informed they think they are.  I really hope there is a strong parent movement behind them.  This is not a battle they should have to fight on their own.  It needs people who know and understand and who command respect, who can’t be fobbed off because of their youth and inexperience, although some of them might be got on their posturing, just like the kids.  Where do we think the kids get it from?

But I don’t know, either.  I heard someone say that in paying back the student debt if they earn over £21,000, they will be hampered in their abilities to establish a home.  But I don’t know if that is true.  Because I don’t know how much they will be expected to pay back each time they have to make the payments, I don’t know what the general cost of living will be, I don’t know what will have happened to house prices.

Eee by gum, talk about sensationalism.  Or is it just my own ignorance of facts that are readily available?

We’ve had a lot of witchcraft imagery in the media lately.  When the Pope came, on the first day he or some high official was confronted by a reporter called LeVey, or McVey, or something.  Anton LeVey wrote the Satanist Bible, I think.  In that same first programme I think it was Hew Edwards who was talking about cauldrons.  Or maybe it was someone else.  I might be getting him mixed up with someone else because, when the woman who used to be a nun and was part of the on screen discussion group said ‘It’s a big ask’, he rapidly took control of that.  I’ve always thought it was supposed to sound like ‘a big arse’ (unacceptable in UK) ass (unacceptable to US readers)  arse/ass, both common in children’s playgrounds.  But this woman said it innocently and for some reason Hew Edwards took it away from her  I think that was where the cauldrons bit came in, straight after.

I’ve noticed this a lot, when someone says something innocent which has previously been perverted/subverted by the media, or some people in it, the innocent use is treated with embarrassment and consternation, and attention taken away from it as quickly as possible.

Anyway, that will do for now.  I don’t want to be rude, but I have to be busy this morning.  I feel as if I have just shot myself in the foot.  that if I disconnected more respectfully, acknowledging I have no right to be in my present position and therefore ‘busy’ in the first place, someone would say I am now ready to be helped and swoop down and help me, send me an email or something.  As long as they don’t arrive at my door to take me into custody, but at the moment I feel I would even be willing to face that, but that isn’t allowing for the level of intimidation people might use in that kind of situation.  Some people turn into savages when faced with a decent and reasonable person they have been told to arrest or put in hospital.  I know.  I do feel like a bad person though, taking my country for a ride, so maybe even that shouldn’t be a problem to me.  Usually though my fear is that they are going to get physical, and I can’t control my feelings, both of fear and outrage.  And I try to resort to reason as well, and find the attempt is despised.

I’m desperate.  Is anyone going to make proper contact and give me an official way out?  Even if the way out is arrest and prison.  It’s better than this uncertainty and feeling of cheating all the time.  It has to be.

THAT Was Ages Ago!

I was just thinking about something I read or heard that, after a couple of years being a vegetarian or vegan, your body loses the ability to process non-vegetarian/vegan food sources.  I felt slightly worried, just in case it really should turn out that you need animal nutrition to be healthy, and what would I do if my body couldn’t even cope with it?

Then I thought of the days when I was fascinated by the fact that Pete Murray was a vegetarian, and wondered how he could possibly do it, and thought it couldn’t be possible, and that it was very interesting, but scary territory, and very much ‘out there’.  It wasn’t something I could ever do. People like me can’t.

I went to Happy Grill the other day, for a cup of coffee.  I decided to look at the menu, and decided that, as a vegan, I was in trouble.  I wanted everything I shouldn’t want.  Not just eggs, but meat and fish.  It felt like the most normal, natural and easy thing to do, just tuck into a chicken, meat or fish meal.  I am wishing I was still a fish eater, and am trying to justify a thought that I could keep my own egg producing hen.  With me it would be free and well cared for.

I also keep deciding it can’t be right, as a vegan.  I keep coming back to the belief that, if I do that, I will be validating the system of exploitation that gives me access to the hen in the first place.

But is it different in the countryside, and in Bulgaria?  Is it OK to eat animals and their products if the animal has a free and natural life?  Is being a vegan a bit extreme?

I sometimes feel it is, and that I am being stupid and depriving myself just because I said that I would be a vegan for life, and I don’t want to be teased about giving it up.  Why not, I don’t know, really.  Vegans are no nicer than – I was going to say ‘the rest of us’, this is not a good place for a vegan to be – anyone else, and there are more of us than there are of them, that is more meat eaters than vegans, and this is my thought process which, as a vegan, I’m not entitled to, but it is where I’m at.

OK, muddle.  I have not felt embraced by vegans, any more than by anyone else.  As a human and a vegan, I have felt enraged and deeply wounded and betrayed by this, because part of my vegan expectation is that people will matter to vegans as much as any other living creature does.  As a vegan, especially in Bulgaria, I am really lonely.

I don’t know what is wrong with the vegetarian/vegan people here.  Their prejudice and misogynistic hatred and contempt seem to run just as deep, if not deeper – I mean, if you are a vegetarian or vegan out of conviction, that’s a love stance, isn’t it?  So how can you be cruel/rejecting/controlling towards a human being, especially if they share your convictions and believe in and practise the lifestyle?  And if you claim to embrace a peaceful and loving spirituality to boot?

I wonder if they read this.  I wonder if the people the media continually directs my attention back to are really wanting me to go back to them? Because if they do and if they read this, I’d like to say to them,

‘wake up and smell the coffee, guys.  I am gutted and devastated by the way you have treated me in this, the way you have turned away from me and turned in on yourselves, the way you have accepted a bad report about me from people who have no right even to have access to some of the things they say, let alone be spreading them’.

Maybe I made a mistake.  I believed in the vegan community, the kind, compassionate, caring, Christian, spiritual community.  I saw the sharing of values as a bond and covenant of friendship.  I still do.

I was going to liken it to believing in the disabled community, or a racial or ethnic community, but about those things you have no choice.  But is it still true that, even given who you say you are in the paragraph above, it is no more covenantal than being disabled or of a particular ethnic background?

There is one thing we all are, and that is human.  But even that is not a respected covenant.  So just as I am not going to find a friend in every human being just because I am human (we might be different in every other way), it probably follows that I am not going to find a friend in every vegan or spiritual person and shouldn’t believe in the idea of community anymore than I should believe in a disabled community.  The fact that we share a situation or cause or believe we share a conviction doesn’t mean we have what it takes to be friends and find friends.

This is garbage, isn’t it?  It is also a place of real pain and heartbreak for me.  And parading it on a page on the internet makes me feel less able to deal with it in a way that might heal relationships in real life.  It’s about motive.  Who am I writing for, and why?  They have as much right to feel betrayed as I do, maybe, if not more.

Non-vegans tease you all the time, pushing the boundaries of what you will or won’t embrace as acceptable and your reasons.  A question I keep coming back to is, if some animals are bred only for their usefulness or food value, if we were all vegan would they all become extinct?  These lovely, fluffy lambs we don’t want to kill and eat, the horses and the donkeys we don’t want to exploit.  If they only existed in the wild, would they soon become extinct, and our lives be perceptibly poorer for their absence?

Another question: is using an electronic sound deterrent on household pests and vermin a form of animal cruelty?  I’ve got a rat or 2, they are getting bolder.  They do my bedroom now.  I read they don’t like peppermint, so I put some peppermint teabags out all around the kitchen, and at the hole I know about.  They shifted them out of the way and carried on regardless.  I can’t afford rat catchers all the time, and I think they would be unsympathetic to a vegan approach anyway, the only other option seems to be to let dogs and cats eat them.  Or kill them and leave them for me. Lovely!  And inconsistent, to my mind.  So what do you do?

Paranoid Thoughts

You know they keep telling us we need a voice?  Well, that’s rubbish.  For most of us, that is the last thing we need.  The people who say different groups need a voice want to be the voice themselves. Some of them, if that aren’t granted that, will take it by force.

Most of us just need the protection and integrity of privacy, within our own allotted circle of relationships.

I think electronic communications, in terms of enabling undetected and widespread surveillance and crime, might be one of the worst con tricks we have ever fallen for.

They take your stuff and feed it back to you, sometimes really specifically, targeting communities and individuals within communities, we all end up frightened of each other and of intimacy because a parody of it is being shoved in our faces constantly by the media, so when we all get to sitting indoors they sell us another gadget to further enhance our media experience.

Most of these people are criminals on the make.  They force the TV licence issue while knowingly using their media empire to invade people’s privacy.  I have in mind the person who was on Andrew Marr’s show yesterday, BBC1 9am Sunday 5th December, the present director general of the BBC.  I don’t know, maybe it isn’t him, maybe he doesn’t have that much power over what people using the BBC to broadcast do, and maybe he doesn’t actually know that much.  But I think he does.

Wise observation of the day, if it IS wise, I don’t know:  If we share a truth, why do we need a voice? The philosophical debate that will come out of that is nothing to do with me, so please don’t try to make out that it is.  I might be responsible for what I say and do, but I’m not responsible to everyone who decides I should be responsible to them. That is self-igniting manure that burns with a stench.

Happy Days!

East Midlands Today 24.11.2010

Edit note 26.11.2010


These people are vicious.  Aggressively invasive and sexual gropers and hateful in every way.  Whatever they want, they and those like them, I oppose them as a point of principle.  The woman was wearing dress a bit like a kaftan I bought off ebay.  The one on a child called Chloe in Doctors was more like it, teamed with other personal details, as all these programmes are.  ‘I am you and you are me’, Tommy Boyd said.  That’s how these programmes work.  It’s like a personality mix and match or chop suey (get it?).  I took what Tommy said at a heart level, but perhaps he meant something else.

These human beings are acting like dogs, and that is grotesque.


For some reason my link buttons are inaccessible, so I had to copy the link from the browser rather than use the short form provided by the BBC.

Dominic Heal looks like my grandad.  I pointed this out to an MEP I accidentally left a comment for (I didn’t know she was an MEP), and on the following Monday he was not there.

I decided to be sensible about it a couple of days after he came back.  I decided he is just a man in television doing his job, and it isn’t his fault that he looks like my grandad and has a name reminiscent of a pastor at Kensington Temple, Dominic, part of a church which believes in healing.

But I watched this today (it’s supposed to be available until about 7pm tonight and isn’t downloadable unless you can record it yourself), and it seems obvious to me that he knows and is fully aware of the role he is playing.

The programme features a woman, a senior citizen (must be politically correct) who was knocked down by a hit and run driver who had stolen a yellow dumper truck.  A lot like the one the people I stayed with in Wales have.

This kind of coincidental crime happens all the time, I remember another one which was also hit and run.  It was a car which had the number of my address on the back.  I’m not sure how that happened, the woman was run over by her own car, I think it was hit and run.

Anyone would think that, if I am a decent person, I will stop there.

But I started writing this post to complain.

I told Nick Ferrari on LBC that I hated cigarettes.  Since then programmes have constantly linked cigarettes with things that I enjoy, the mention of which will open me up, and then they come on with the cigarette reference, either in word or gesture.

On the show in this post, the hit and run was described as callous.  Possibly I was not intended to link this word with anything to do with me, but because what followed next came so hard after, in my mind I have linked it all together.

So in my mind, this man who looks like the grandad I never got on with while he was alive because he shouted and hit me is associated with calling me callous if I don’t respond to this on his terms.  They then went on to talk about honing your craft, and straight after he followed it up with a hand gesture as if he was holding a cigarette.

This kind of thing always knocks me for six.  But for the rest of the programme they were wheeling it round and at the end seemed to be asking for a confirmation of the incident (is that so, or something like that), a young black guy came on with the weather forecast in the way Tommy Boyd said he thought it should be done.  In my post yesterday I wrote about hospital.  Lewisham is a mixed race area with a lot of black people.  This was reflected on the ward, and the guy was close to tears.

Can you imagine how I feel challenging this?

They already know about the yellow truck.  I don’t know how.  I want to run to co-operate, but it is still stalking.  Why won’t they make normal contact?  Why do they need to take charge in this way, assuming an identity which isn’t their own to do it?

I was often in hospital because I insisted all this was happening.  Now they want me to validate it.

I keep hearing, ‘you’ve brought it on yourself’.  That isn’t true, and should never be said to any victim of any kind of abuse.

These things are happening because someone has made their own evil decision that they should.  I did not make them make that decision.  Nothing I have said or done could ever justify a decision like that from someone else.

It might be convenient for them to think I’ve brought it on myself, though.  That way they can be my rescuers to whom I should be grateful, and I can be their pawn as long as I’m not prepared to meet them on those terms.

Premeir talked this morning about be thankful to God for saving their life.  It sounded like a directive to me that I should be grateful because they have saved my life.  But it was them that put me in such dire straits in the first place.

I don’t know how long they have seen themselves as saving my life.  I think if they had given me the security I asked for in asking them to make proper contact with me it might not have needed to be saved.

Check out the strange body language, the theatrical flourishes etc, at the end of this news report.  Or is it just me?  It leaves me wanting to respond but forgetting what I am going to have to go through, 2000 miles away, in order to do so.

But he’s saying, ‘we’re here’.  Isn’t he?  But stalking and all that stuff for years isn’t just a technicality.  It can’t be.  He looks like my grandad.  I know it and he knows it.  That’s why it carries weight.  And I was 50 on the 24th.  Wow, that’s magic.  But enjoying it is just out of reach, and my birthday was the pits.

No more for now.  I’m too confused.

Big Daddy Weave – David Shearman or his dad.

Trust and Obey – My baptismal hymn

Doreen – me old mam

Stuttering – my uncle Frank

Celebrate Your Beautiful News – Happy 50th birthday?

How was I supposed to realise that?  It feels like my failure, but they already know I see what they are doing as stalking and psychological pressure when a proper, direct approach would be more appropriate in every way.

He’s playing immovable tank, just like Fred/George Stubbs, the man who bullied his way into a pastorate over a divided diaconate, taking presidence before he was even chosen by the congregation.

They went by do as you’re told without thinking about the technicalities.  Cliff and Rachel got everyone except 4 of us who attended the meeting (a lot had already left the church) on their side.


Edit note 7 hours later: I’ve tagged this UK, but it doesn’t appear in that section. There is something about ‘follow that mouse’ and ‘ego trips’, but not my post. Please, this is not a sleuth or journalism game for me that you can follow, largely keeping me out of it while leaving me to carry on eating shit.

Does anyone else think our parliamentarians are being really naughty?

Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham were tutors, one a principal after my time, at my 6th form college.  Gordon Brown was the principal I didn’t know about until 8th May this year, the date of the prgoramme with the historian I mentioned in my first post and a later one.  After I found out it appeared it was panic stations all round.  I saw it in a 20 year look back article from the college on the internet.  As it happens, it was the anniversary of my late grandmother’s birthday, 8th May.

I can’t, for some reason, post audio.  I get a notice saying it doesn’t meet WordPress security regulations.  So I can’t upload the Newsnight Simon Schama audio I said I would.  I had to record twice anyway, because the first time I lost the connection half way through and only got part of the programme.  I finally managed to record the whole programme, but when I looked for it on my computer to upload it, I didn’t have it anymore.  I didn’t delete it.  These random file deletions of worms and viruses, are they REALLY random?  Or is there another explanation?  I didn’t delete it, but I no longer have it.

Speaking of Simon Schama, Andrew Marr said on his Remembrance Sunday show that there had been a 3 way deal/agreement between all the party leaders that the Conservative/Liberal coalition should take over.  I suppose that might be fair enough, but to me it doesn’t feel it.  It appears it might be more responsible than party politics, but I don’t know.  And I feel I have no right to question.  “It’s not my place”.  I learned that in Church if nowhere else.

But the Gordon Brown and Andrew Burnham I am talking about are not the ones in parliament.  There are many similar namesakes.

A good name is one you earn, not one you are given at birth.  It must be obvious that if people are being chosen to stand for office in any sphere because of their birth or marriage names and not for their capabilities, a) we might not be getting the best people for the job of representing their respective communities well, which is what we are told they are employed for; and b) there is an unacknowledged motive behind such consistent choices which only the people they are aimed at will be aware of.

Now . . .

When I say this, I get put in hospital, but they are all significant names in my life from other spheres.

I am too angry for this sentence, but I’m going to write it anyway.

These people have been playing theatrical games with my life, until recently without my knowledge.  They have been doing it for years, knowing my personal circumstances, I believe, and the fact that I was being put in hospital because I couldn’t cope with the situation, and they were and still are hiding behind or seeking to communicate via a theatrical pageant.

AND YET . . . they tease me, I believe, talking about using blogs and them not having been officially contacted about things.

My dears, I have not been either.  This is my response to your activity towards me.  To insist i use proper channels having already tried, when you do everything YOU do . . . mate, come off it!

I am too outraged to use the proper channels anymore.  When I do I am fobbed off, have an aggressive and confrontational or deceitful stance taken towards me if I make a complaint, or at other times find I have put myself in actual, physical danger of being incarcerated.

Maybe the stance isn’t deliberately aggressive and confrontational, maybe it is just ignorant, in both the literal and offensive senses.

People who are said to have mental health problems should not be left in the care of the downright ignorant.  there is no one more ignorant than someone who insists they know it all, and literally or metaphorically wave a qualification at you to prove it.

You can’t treat people like equals if you don’t see yourself as their equal.

One day I heard a nurse say, when she had lost her mug, “one of THEM must have taken it”.  It rankled.  I was immediately offended.  She was the same one that laughed at me and made monkey gestures at me and lifted up a heavy sellotape holder as if to throw it at me, all in the space of 5 or 10 minutes, then denied that she had done so in front of my psychiatrist at the time, who decided I just had a problem with authority.  He said so in front of me.  He was the one who told me, when I complained about the charge nurse, that he was as pure as the driven snow.

I have a problem with authority all right.  I never feel able to challenge those who hold it, especially in a situation like that which I can’t walk away from.  I felt, as everyone else does, that if I said anything I would be making things worse for myself, and if I hit out physically as I sometimes wanted to, I could find myself in the Johnson unit hell hole.  They put me and other patients there sometimes to help them control the bed situation.  I remember no normal interaction between the staff and patients on those occasions.  My heart turned to ice, burning ice, with terror.  The threat of increasing medication was always there.  In all this time no one spoke of any accusation of child molestation, or desecrating a church, if they were aware of them.  If they were aware of them, I did not know.  I wonder now if, had I been adamant about not wanting benefits, they would then have asked me about these things.  Did I fail the test to be admitted to such information by either giving in to the pressure to receive benefits or insisting on it?  But I didn’t insist.  I challenged my own claims, in writing, more than once.  The challenges were ignored.  I think those challenges might have something to do with the fact that my housing benefit level gets automatically adjusted every time there is an increase.  I’m supposed to fill a form in, but once when I didn’t it was increased anyway and has been ever since.  So it looks as if the housing benefit office and my housing association have together taken it out of my hands.  I don’t know if they are entitled to do that.

I insisted from the beginning that I was being subjected to brainwashing techniques, but it wasn’t just that.  When it came to the patients, the staff walked around as if they, the staff, suffered from dissociative personality disorder.  And it was not just the pressure of work.

They set boundaries OK, and there was no way through or round them.  if you outreasoned them they shut the door in your face, or something equally contemptuous.  I was told by at least one nurse, when I did get to speak to them, that they had given me a lot of THEIR time.  The injustice and lack of relational perception of the comment felt like a kick in the stomach, and I really couldn’t speak to deal with it, it felt that outrageous.  I just felt, ‘hey? what? what did you just say?’, and it must have registered with them, but they were gone.  Maybe they thought my response was unreasonable or part of my mental illness (which I don’t have, but the label, which I don’t recognise personally, only legally as entitling me to financial support while they insist on it, is being held over me, by authorities outside of the mental health services, as a form of C & R (control and restraint).

False Imprisonment

First posted 9.33 am UK time.

I can’t remember who does this now, but I know that Premier and other church broadcasters seem to do it.

They are making me believe that my neighbours in Bulgaria who have been showing knowledge of my situation in England without hearing it from me are Christians in touch with them and supported by them.  If that is true, this is a form of false imprisonment.  If it isn’t true and is a false suggestion, it is a form of inhibition and psychological imprisonment.

I often want to go to my neighbours, but, apart from the language problem which is a practicality I often forget, I don’t know where I stand with them or what is motivating their behaviour.

This really is psychological torture from everyone involved, and is deliberate, and illegal.  The policy seems to be hold her down, or make her THINK she is being held down, until she gives in and comes to us.  If she won’t come she’s a bad lot.

But for the invasiveness and breakdown in relationship, this house would be perfectly habitable.

Were Nick Clegg and David Cameron trying not to laugh in Parliament yesterday (1 hour in)?  It seemed to me that was why they looked so miserable, it was the only way they could not laugh.  Nick was suddenly sharp enough when someone called on his attention off left of screen.

Accepting the surreal makes idiots like me think they can do things they can’t, like walk out and sweep into No 10 or the palace, having easily secured the co-operation of those who could get them access, like the lovely reasonable policemen who would be on duty.  But of course we (the idiot brigade) can’t, and if we tried, even courteously, we would find ourselves stopped.  Maybe that is why there have been riots, because people have been acting on the impressions of surrealism.

I think trying to cajole me into humour in this situation is inappropriate.  They’ve known everything for years, including my efforts to be taken seriously in England.  If it IS about me (which it might not be), it seems to me that the only reason for their distress now is that another country is involved and aware of the situation.

Why can’t they ASK, directly?  Why can’t they say sorry?  Why do they rejoice and play with bits that I have written, but not make a proper and formal approach, and why can’t they do it openly instead of getting other agencies to act on their behalf, but not tell me that that is what is happening?  I am me, it appears they want me to be someone or something else.  Otherwise they could just tell me in an email or through the British Embassy what they wanted and ask me to come home so I can help them or whatever, if that is what they want.

I hold to this – if they can’t be open now, they won’t be open later.

Meanwhile sensitive people are locked up and tortured in the name of and with the aid of the mental health system.  For me, this is the beginning and the end and the middle of it.  That is where we start.  No change on that, then nothing to say, I’m afraid.

I know that seems unforgivably defiant, but have you seen the way they work?  This is nothing like an easy stance for me.  Both fear and responsibility keep me isolated and poverty keeps me limited.

And if I was stopped from boarding the plane because of ‘inelegance’ before, I am even more inelegant now, and still unable to cope with the stonewalling and every other manifestation of prejudice and discrimination.

I want to say yes, but the realities of the situation demand that I say no.

But if they really do want to talk to me as much as they seem to I feel honoured and privileged, and I hope that saying so might encourage them to approach me with a request rather than an appeal.

Edit note 11.59 am UK time:

Although I said I feel honoured and privileged, I have spoken as someone who has been a victim of collusion between the mental health system and other bodies, and as someone whose father committed suicide with this same experience at the end of his tragic life journey.  My sister also has had 3 children taken from her and been called mentally ill.

I said in an email to church leaders a few years ago, that I represented the victims of psychiatry.  I am not holding my country to ransom.  As I have said, they have known about this for years.  John Pantry, who also received the email, knows I have been sexually molested in church as a child, and even as an adult, because I said so in the email.  No acknowledgement of this has been made or any effort to redress it.

They posture as if they are the source of everything I say and therefore have a right to take what I say, either through my blog or hacking my computer and telephone calls, and put it all to the glory of the church and the government, and alternately whip me with my outsider status or invite me to join them.

There are many things about me that they have had no hand in and which have shaped me as a person in what I think and say.  This is rape all over again.  The morally impoverished stealing from the marginalised and disenfranchised. Taking the only means of survival of the people they destroy, making out they were bad neighbours but using what they do to strengthen the system.  Their system.  Please note.  Their system.  Not necessarily God’s system at all.

God the Holy System.

John Pantry, you are a monster.  You are a very, VERY evil person.  I’m listening to the recording, and what you were doing while I was writing this seems fairly obvious.

Strictly Come Dancing

Sometimes I have to wash my ears out, not so I can hear, but to get rid of what I have heard.

We’ve been here before, they are accusing me of sexually molesting a child, and saying I’m out (see the end of the show).  Even if it were true, what they are doing and how they are doing it is completely indecent and cruel.   I know the situation they are talking about, and I don’t know how they got hold of it.  As I said in my earlier post in the week, they seem genuinely concerned, so I have assumed they are getting information officially.  Now though, I can’t believe that is true.  I don’t know who is feeding it to them.

That’s it.  No role call of names today.  If they try and push this any further I WILL role call.  I might anyway.  This has been constant through the media for years towards me.  It is grossly unfair and indecent.  And right now I don’t care how they feel about me saying so.  Bruce, Tess, and whoever else – that’s enough.  I’m warning you.  This is savage, you are doing all you can to make me feel disempowered and violent.  With this sort of thing coming at me, how else am I supposed to feel?

I think their idea might be to get my blog deleted.

PS  Guess who decides whether or not you are pushing it. 😐

Question Time Teresa May

She looked sickly sheepish, didn’t she, all the time they were talking?  You have to feel a bit sorry for her, programmes like that are their own form of torture.

I thought she was looking that way about me, because they were talking about waterboarding, and I used a metaphor in a post a few days ago about having my head held under water until I tried to scream.  Everyone knows, obviously, that when you are under water you can’t scream.

But this morning I woke up and thought, ‘who set me up to think they were talking about me?  The presenter.  Teresa May really MIGHT not even know I exist, so why should I attribute anything about her to thoughts she is having about me?

But she has been looking that way ever since I started blabbing.  That is why I think there is something in it.

And following my post, ‘Note to my 16 and a half stone self’, she somehow made leaflets, which she repeated 3 times, sound like Lil-lets, which used to be my choice, and followed it up with firm stuff about going too far, crossing the line, being stopped. They do this all the time, grab hold of something really sensitive and personal and go into a strict, scolding tone to put a limitation on me.  I’m always unprepared for it, I never quite believe it when it comes, and it always leaves me feeling, ‘hey, you can’t do that’, or worse.  I can almost hear them saying, ‘if you don’t come to us we are going to keep doing this’.  Who knows that if I go to them they will find stronger ways to do that in a face to face relationship?  DA! (Bulgarian for yes).

I love Jesus, and I know I’m a bit of a stupid person, but if my life is being stalked and has been stalked in this way, I do want it stopped.  I also want the way the mental health system works challenged, because when people present saying things like this they are put on medication for paranoia.  It isn’t just the reaction of society that is injurious, it is everything, and sometimes everyone, that goes before it.

I no longer go into a situation telling people I have a mental health diagnosis.  The law doesn’t require me too, and that is right.  And yet, even though I choose not to disclose things I’m not under an obligation to and relate as positively and normally as possible, people, even here 2000 miles away, is it, start hitting me with words and snippets there is no way they could know unless someone is telling them.  And I know what I’ve heard and seen on the radio and television, here and elsewhere.  Everything is fine for a day or two, then people start going crazy around me, and at me.

I don’t know how long the stalking has been going on, but my whole life has been like this and my dad thought there was something happening.  I wonder if what I am getting is a continuation of what was going on with him.  I don’t understand why they would want to do it, though.  Not if it goes all the way back to my dad.  He had performance connections, I’m not sure how strong, I think they were in his family.  I haven’t seen them since before I was 10 years old, well before.  They disowned him at one point, he spent time in an approved school.  As far as officials are concerned, maybe they just decided we are a bad family.  My sister has had 3 children taken away from her.

No, No, No.

Edit after post:

Someone should so something about this.  They all know it’s happening, and my past experience with all of them tell me they are not above manipulating me to this point of hysterical fear and distress to get me back into hospital and back into violent, bullying physical situations if I don’t co-operate with what they want.  I was stupid.  I let them drag me to the end of the show with their contemptuous fast talk, contemptuous of everything which is real religion.  If I had stopped earlier they would probably have crumbled and begun to lose control of their hand as they so often do, and things start coming out then in a way I can grasp and work with.  (end of edit).

I recorded the Premier Radio Breakfast Show yesterday, but I started late deliberately because I didn’t want to be subjected to the pointed, accusing and condemning prayer John Pantry starts with.  It seems to me he made a confession yesterday, maybe even a double one.  First confession, he is hacking my computer and knew I had started recording late.  The second is connected, he actually started talking humorously about missing the pointed prayer, or he might have said dealing with it.

I have a little felt storyboard in my head, connecting Harriet Harman and the red rodent story to Chris Evans, him of the red hair until when?  He is suddenly blond, at least in last Friday’s The One Show.  In the week leading up to Harriet’s comment, at the exact times in his show that I had just finished writing something he spiritually went into my personality to say he could have ended up in hospital, in a way which carried menace.

So both of them knew about the coincidence of these things, so they are both hacking my computer?  Does that still need to be posed as a question?  Chris, the silly twit (but quite sweet really) acted out his guilt by changing his hair colour.  Did he INTEND to give himself away so completely?

They ARE bending the airwaves to hate me at times like this.  It happens time after time.

Hilarity all round, me thinketh.  😉

PS  I’ve just tuned in at 7:49, as John has just said, and they are twitting me.  Esther Higham twits my personality all the time.  She is his co-presenter.   Seething, hateful mockery, young lady.

Her name is composed of two elements which are significant to me.  When I first realised that my phone was being hacked, I started reading the Book of Esther from the Bible down the phone.  A lot of Esthers came out of the woodwork at that time.

The second part  is her surname.  Higham.  I used to live in Higham Road in Tottenham at the same time that I was part of North London Community Church, led by John Singleton, and there was another part of the church which was connected to Highams Park.

They are using the word ‘sophisticated’ a lot, but to them that is not a positive word.  They were taking names and rising in their tone of voice with them, holding them just out of my reach, like teasing a dog.  Then John spews the word ‘news’.

I know no one is on my side anymore, but this all started, for me, with a very savage cut that was made by the worship time presenter, Mark Seddon, saying ‘God will whip you severely’, which I think they tried to pass off, truthfully or otherwise, as having been meant for other media agencies which they saw as attacking them.  It has been an on air media war, and when you know it is extremely painful to listen to, especially when they are dragging you personally around in it, but refuse to answer your emails, knowing that what they have already done has caused you such distress they have put you in hospital.

He just said Esther and John with you until 9 o’clock as if he was telling Esther that he was with her – or comminicating to me that I am totally disfellowshipped and isolated?  Doug Harris of Reachout Trust did this as well, on Martin Mitchell’s programme, but when I phoned him he denied it.  Martin is no longer a part of Premier, but it was so pointed he must remember.  They were talking about witchcraft and Anton LaVey (LeVey?).  I know what you are doing, John and Esther.  The Lord rebuke you.

People are dying.  They are trying to make me believe it is because I was so angry at one point in my life that I urinated on the church steps.   [Edit: It  makes me hysterical to say this.  I’ve already been treated with complete contempt because of it and I think that putting it ‘out there’ will make that worse.  I think everyone thinks I am disgusting, and that a special level of repentance is required from me which they might believe is not possible and wouldn’t even want to happen.  They want me to feel sullied and under them for the rest of my life.  When I see and hear how they act, I want to be free from them, I want nothing to do with them.  But what they do makes me feel unforgivably wrong for that, both in heaven and on earth, for eternity.   I can’t, emotionally, believe I am not.  In spite of the fact they are stalking me they would insist as my leaders this is just my emotions not catching up with what is true in heaven and not even view what they are doing as criminal.  This is why I didn’t leave the Pentecostal church as a child.  In spite of the fact that my experience of it, at least while I was in the building, was often so loveless, they had told us that they were the only church which preached the whole truth and if we didn’t believe the whole truth we would go to hell.  I stayed because I didn’t want to go to hell.  What is making it hard for me with John is that I ‘know’ his voice.  I don’t know where that quality is coming from but it has just occurred to me it might be from someone other than himself that I don’t know about.  They are making my mind and emotions say yes when I want to say no, just by the personal material they are using.  Their methods are abhorrent to me, but they have done this to me for years, and to whom else can I go?  I’m 50 in 2 weeks.  And they have raped my mind, my soul and my spirit.  I feel I can’t relate to anyone else].  That is where the constant ‘wee’ references come from.  At that point I had already been put in a mental hospital as a result of their clandestine accusations and stalking.  I really want to hurt these people because it is obvious to me that that is what they are trying to do to me.  They are swearing at me in the most disgusting way, but it is all in Christianese.  No one who didn’t know WOULD know.  I was being blanked, people were shaking their heads at me in church, filing past to do it, leaders, and turning away, and silent.   It was shocking and horrible.  That might even have been before my first hospital admission, and therefore before I hit back in a way which was a product of deep distress and trauma and dislocation more than anything else.

I said to Robb Thompson a few years ago, ‘I will not bow’.  I meant to them, not to God.  Since then they have used these methods to try and make me bow to them.  These criminal, vicious methods.  Even though I have apologised.  I mention that because either Esther or John just said something about not bowing, and as I typed this sentence someone clicked something in the studio, like an auditory intervention.  They want to keep me strung out.  And she has just this second come back to refusing to bow, and talked about release, and ducked out into a song, as they often do when it gets too hot for them.  She sounds very sweet talking about release, and inviting, but if it’s an invitation to me, they are only seeing this at the moment by hacking my computer.  They’ve used Twila Paris at me before, as well.  Is she the one they used to harass me, who sang something about ‘this day is drawing to an end, we’re running out of time, my friend.  There is so much I want to say.  I wish you’d see that there is a way’, then when I turned up on their steps they denied knowledge.?

Someone has just ‘inexplicably’ banged on my gate and shouted aggressively.  Whether this is a result of computer hacking here or a spiritual manifestation, it is disturbing.  I feel I am being silly and should just put my head out and speak to them, but I don’t speak their language.  But maybe I’m still being silly.  They are trying to make me believe this is a dangerous area.  To me at the moment it seems to me it is more likely just to be an angry area, and not without reason.  But their anger IS violent, banging and shouting always on cue to keep me dispossessed of what I begin to see and be able to formulate.  They go to the police and the MEDIA talks about them having gone to the police, but the police don’t approach me, and their behaviour towards me continues.

I just realised why they are using voice manipulation on me, and as I did, John went strict, and Esther picked up on it by talking about Strictly Come Dancing, she gasped as she saw what I was writing, and went into strict herself.  Unless they are so sensitive they pick up on this without needing to use a machine.  It IS a possibility, they know I know that, and that is a silent part of their taunting. By excluding me from this knowledge they make me feel as if I will be excluded from everything spiritual if I try to fight them.  And the persuasion of that is all in the voice.

They are using the voice manipulation because, when I was particularly distressed, a girl at St Barnabas came up to me and started talking like an idiot in my face.  We were friends, and at that point I had just had enough, so I did her voice back at her.  The next thing I knew, Premier presenters had hold of it and were talking about ‘dirty Katies’ for dedications, (her name is Katherine).  Esther has just placed her voice piping above me, trying to knock this out of my hands, and now she is laughing, pretending it is part of her conversation, and has set a deadline, knowing I want to finish this before they go off air.  I’ve been here before.  Or are they just keeping themselves going?  C S Lewis wrote a book called ‘That Hideous Strength’.  Just saying.  That’s what it reminds me of.  I can’t remember if I have read the book.

‘Dirty Katies’ was put to rest for years.  They have recently resurrected it.  But the awfulness of it is, knowing I am an extremely disturbed and vulnerable person, they have been weaving at me with the same thing they thought was so awful in me, for years (if they DID think it was awful).  If they think it was awful from me, what is it from them, mixed as it is with criminal stalking and taunting?  And anyway, leaders at St Barnabas had done exactly the same thing to me before that.  I didn’t realise it was supposed to be an aspect of relating which is only available to leaders.  At this point I don’t care if I’ve misunderstood.  This HAS been my understanding, and I shouldn’t have been kept in this position for years of having my head held under the water until I try to scream.  I shouldn’t have been put there in the first place.  John has just taken the controls again and said the lines are closed.  These people are complete bastards.  That is a Biblical term.  In its context it is not swearing.  Natch.

They are deliberately taking advantage of the fact that they know I believe I have no support anywhere, and no rights in any relationships.  That is particularly cruel, and because it is so obviously deliberate, if they DON’T realise that, we are in very dangerous hands.

They are sounding casual, but they are using a casual sounding vehicle to carry criticism and accusation, and making sure they are always just out of my reach.  Brian Reid, R T’s assistant at Westminster Chapel, did exactly the same thing to me physically once, stopping just short of physically dragging me around the courtyard on my hands and knees.  John, and Esther, I am breaking the frame, I am saying to you, you are unforgivable, and I wish I had not bothered with this and just broken the frame before.  You are disgusting, and had I done it before I could have seen you crumble, as you should.  The Lord, and your authorities, and common public decency, rebuke you.  As I know they do.  They are talking at a rate of knots.  It’s wrong and deliberate.  They’ve dragged me out to the end of their complete fucking programme, and done it with glee and deliberateness.  You scummy cunts.  And now Esther, this savage little bitch, this Christian mother, is taunting me because she knows I am afraid that if I post this this way, with the swearing and everything, my blog will be deleted.  But they have deliberately pushed for this.  They are going for my emotions and trying to make me believe they belong to them.  They don’t.  They have stirred them up and kept them alive by torture and stalking for years, over a decade.  They have appropriated my real sweetness to themselves and left me with their poison, and are making me feel there is no recovery without them.  John’s barefaced lying about freedom of speech and everything, even while he is reading this post before it is even posted, if it isn’t criminal, it should be enough to have him relieved of his Christian position and duties.  They fooled me with a false finish.  I saw 10:49 (here) as 10:59.  They want the power over my physical voice.  As a singer they know how closely that is related to the rest of me, and that if I don’t have the power of my own voice, that with all the other torture will be enough to incapacitate me and drive me mad.  Are they trying to teach me a lesson about insisting I am right and everyone else is wrong?  Do criminals have the right to teach that kind of lesson?  But in this no one could be more wrong than them, and no one could be more right than me.  I hurt all over and I feel sick.  There idea of ‘God’s generals’ is a man with a bull neck built like a tank.  That is the energy they are opposing against me now.  They want me to break and cry tom them, then they will heal me.  I want that too.  But if I don’t let them do that to me, they’d rather have me put in a mental hospital.

They’re shouting me down all the time.  If anyone terminates my blog because of this, then a plague on all your houses.  My emotion reached out to WordPress, to ask them to support me by keeping this blog active, and as it did, John and Esther opposed it.  I had this before, at Christmas, when I got to the end of my street to find myself faced with a pack of dogs which looked as if it might attack, and silently said, ‘Lord help me’, and as I did and continued to walk straight towards them they broke up and slunk off.  When I got home and listened to the recording, at exactly that time Dave Rose had opposed my prayer, then he seemed to realise what the situation had been, said it was a ‘Christian scream’, but he was very embarrassed and awkward in a way which accepted no responsibility and spent the rest of the programme trying to recover his own ground.

This also is a Christian scream, but I feel like a guilty and embarrassed dog that can’t meet anyone’s eyes, having been stared down and punished by so many guilty and defiant people.  WordPress is doing it too.  That’s why asking for help and for them not to delete my blog isn’t simple once the original impetus has been taken from me.  I’m going to seek solace and reordering of my mind in a nice cup of Ceylon tea.  Don’t do anything I don’t want you to do while my back is turned.  If you’re going to delete my blog or any part, let me save or migrate it first.  That is reasonable in any circumstances, and not to allow that in a situation like this would be inhuman.  It is that kind of action which drives desperate people to desperate things.  In my own case I am only thinking in terms of suicide, sooner or later.  Or the rest of my life lived in unbearable pain.  You need to consider that before you commit the cyber murder of deleting someone’s blog without notice and not letting them have a copy of what is theirs and might be legally essential for them to have.  That is taking the law into your own hands.  I should not have to beg and plead to not be deleted.

Strictly Come Dancing – The Results

Dear Strictly

I am culturally disorientated, being taunted by UK media every month about losing my house, and traumatised by so many other things that are or have been a part of my life experience.

It would be lovely to watch the TV and veg out and relax, maybe self-correct over some of the things I think.  Instead I find you talking about something that has happened here just 3 or 4 hours before your show.

Right, first of all, I’m angry.  I don’t need minders.  You get me?  Especially not illegal ones, even if you mean well.  None of this rubbish would be happening to me if you were not doing this, and I assume that because, to me, you are so obvious about it, the police and other authorities must be backing you in it?

Although you seem lovely, the stuff you said was ambiguous and has caused me, yet again, crippling anxiety where I felt I was back at a place in myself that I could cope and begin to move forward positively.  You leave me so angry that, where I felt I could begin to relax and trust the place and myself, I feel dislodged again to such an extent that I wish I could get away.  You have hurt me deeply in every way, including in my mind and in my ability to cope.  The feeling of a need to hit ot in anger again at the slightest noise is back, where before watching your programme I was much calmer and more in control.  I would love to let these kids near me, but when you get me in this state, whatever progress I have made in the way I see the situation, I believe it wouldn’t be possible.  It would hurt all of us more than the way we are relating now.  It would certainly hurt me.

I AM traumatised, I AM stuck somewhere as a result of the use of hypnosis on me without my consent, I CAN think sensibly once the crisis has passed, but without what you are doing it wouldn’t BE a crisis, it would only be a drama, and that would be good.

You’re doing this, and then you try to hide it so the public don’t catch on, and to do so you switch.  My psyche is too open to be able to cope with that.  And it would be better for all of YOU not to be doing it as well.

I know the way you use statements like ‘they will be dealt with according to our laws’, consequently I don’t know who you are talking about and you have made me afraid.  But I and those I love should not be having to deal with this kind of commentary on the media anyway.  If you would leave us alone we would be OK.  First of all, I don’t know if I would have this kind of local attention without your – sorry for this – interference, but if I did I think we are all nice and sensible enough to ride the culture clash storm and come together in a better way.

I thought myself afterwards, maybe stupidly on reflection, I don’t know, that the ain culprit is just a really nice kid who is doing his best with his own language limitations to say that he likes me.  He crossed himself outside my window, and I just looked over him into the distance, desperately wanting them to stop and at the end of my tether.  When he saw my desperation he looked ashamed.  I felt ashamed myself afterwards.  Stop means stop but they do push, but maybe they just think they are being persistent and that that is a good thing.

All of you, please stop it.  I HAVE asked for normal contact on numerous occasions.  I cannot imagine why you would rather do this than give it to me.

I would love to know what is going on there.  I saw Jimmy Mistry in tears and I was upset myself.  While I accept I could have read too much into it, I think I probably didn’t.  Also I liked Peter Shilton’s penguin, and Ann is a scream and a great performer.

If these kids ever come into my house, I will never hurt them.  I’m more concerned that they might hurt me.  But really I’m not even that.  They might be pushy with questions I don’t want to answer and that wouldn’t be helpful.  That is more of a concern to me.

But as I said, after having felt I’d made a little progress today, I’m now back in a place where I’m not coping with things that may or may not be innocent.  And that . . . is torture.

Songs of Praise, Albert Hall Big Sing

Look, I’m sorry, but there is a legally powerful label which has been put on me here, mental illness in the form of schizophrenia, and you people are consciously using the stuff of my life and not removing the label, and I’m not sure what is going on in your minds or how you validate either your reasoning or what you are doing.  I saw Aled’s startled reaction when he sang at the end about humble adoration in How Great Thou Art, it was a very caught out look and, I believe, obviously significant, having been there myself, as we all have.  He looks a lot like John Pantry these days, I’m wondering what the connection is, I’m sure there must be one.  What on earth does he think he is doing?  There is no excuse for this, at all.  It is sick, and no wonder I am.

Russell Watson shares my birthday.  I’m not sure when his career started, the first I knew I heard him on the James Whale show.  But he shares my birthday.

I listened to Clyde Sandry at the Christian Centre this morning, and realised he is using my voice.  Also the bits that jar, I’ve decided that is where they jump on to the next thing without making an adequate vocalised connection, probably because to do so would expose too much.  As I listened this morning I thought, ‘oh yeah?  What is that bit you haven’t said, then?’

They started emphasising the big sing as soon as I left London.  I used to sing in my flat and I was abused by my neighbours.  Now suddenly they have decided that getting everyone singing is the answer, and not the stuff of nuisance neighbours.  But that was my point, the point of someone whose life depended on it.  These people are just using it to further their careers and standing among the people they want approval from, and leaving me, the person who insisted on it at the risk of my own liberty and body, out in the cold unless I respond to their voices and commands.

I feel like the host here.  I have nothing of my own left, no voice, no life, no nothing, because these birds of the air have been utilising it for years.

All of these people’s talking up and words of affirmation do not make the thing or activity they affirm right.  And their faces shine like the sun, but it is a bit sick and watery these days, if you ask me, and I hope people will see through that and start asking questions.  Study their faces.  Look at all the guilty shifting of their eyes.  Tell me I’m wrong.

My friend died of a brain haemorrhage.  She has been used for ages by the media, in soaps, on the radio, and now on this programme.

The man at the end, dressed like a vampire, made a cocktail he called Brain Haemorrhage, for Halloween, using Baileys liquer.  It was one of her favourite drinks.  I know this is deliberate, is anyone going to do anything?  There was plenty of other stuff on this programme, but this was the sickest.  I do not want that cocktail to catch on, I want it banned.  Both the cocktail and the name, at least in retail outlets, even if it is now in the public arena.  Please God, it has to be banned.

Is This Significant?

Not the fact that this is my first post, but what I think I’ve observed.

I put this on my aol calendar at just before 1pm, for 8th May, when the programme (Newsnight) was broadcast.  Unfortunately the programme is no longer available, since for some reason, it is not normally available for download.  But I have the audio, and also some of the audio which was being broadcast around 1pm today, English time, when I made the calendar entry, which is true to the stalking pattern I have observed over the years. (see my tags):

How did that little historian guy know that the Browns were due to leave Downing Street on Tuesday?  Everyone was embarrassed and annoyed when he let it slip.  What does this signify?  Media coup? Government/media collaboration?  It was after I found out about the college principal, but before I said so anywhere on Monday 10th.  That’s why these programmes should be downloadable, but at least I have the audio.  If they knew this on Saturday, why was it subsequently presented as if everything had suddenly collapsed and ultimatums were given 2 days later?  THAT’S not honest.  But then, neither am I, so who am I to complain?  JESUS IS THE ANSWER!

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