Tag Archive: Trust


A Few Thoughts I Had This Morning

I’ve abandoned my blog, and that is silly, because it is a restful page for me.  I just landed on one of my posts and the first thing I did was re-read and meditate on the Ram Dass quotation I have as my blog description.  Yay, peace restored!  I can’t say I know many of his quotations but this one I like very much.

I was thinking, and for a change I have written my thoughts on paper first before coming to my computer.  Just some thoughts about Jesus and the truth and the law and things.  You don’t have to believe them in entirety and I don’t have to, either.  Since when was anyone the last word on anything?  There is no particular connection between most of them.  It’s just a few thoughts.  I would like to preface them with the following paragraph.

I don’t know a lot about a lot of things, but I know a bit about some things.  In Judaism, at least, there is the idea that the Name of God is too holy to be spoken.  The big Name I was taught in Bible College was Yahweh.  In the Hebrew alphabet there are no vowels, they have been put in as people saw fit, as has punctuation.  I noticed that if you tried to say the Name without the vowels it comes very close to the sound of a breath and to breathing itself.  In Genesis it says that when God made Adam He breathed His Spirit into him and man became a living soul.  I bow to paradox in believing that the essence of the Name of Jesus, although John Chapter 1 calls Him the Word made flesh, is too holy to be encapsulated in words.  But my tradition is ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that’, so I speak as the fool I have been taught to be, to some extent.  Some of these are Bible verses for which I do not have chapter and verse references.  It distresses me a little trying to find them, especially with so many, when my neighbours seem to be so obviously hacking and feeding back.

  • “The paths of peace they have not known”
  • Jesus said that when you lie you show yourself to be a child of the devil who was a liar from the beginning and the father of lies
  • I heard someone say we should trust God and love people.  The Bible I have been taught from says that Jesus didn’t entrust Himself to anyone because he knew what was in the heart of man
  • When Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the people wanted to take Him and make Him king by force – how is that for muddled thinking?!
  • Jesus said, ‘Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for a friend’ (so what do we do with enemies?).  Thinking about this verse led me into a train of thought.  That truth is the friend, not the person.  Jesus went on to say, ‘YOU are my friends, IF you do what I command’.  If we follow that principle it seems to me we could die for someone one day and abandon them the next (oh, we are already dead!) I’m wondering if a computer keyboard can be hacked even if you are offline, because my neighbour’s female visitor has been reacting throughout my trying to type this, and I am typing offline.  St Paul said that for a good man some might dare to die but that God commended HIS love towards us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  (She seems to have stopped reacting now, temporarily – ‘thou shalt not tempt fate’)
  • I think somewhere in the book of Proverbs it says that no one knows a person’s sorrow except the heart of man which is in him
  • I thought about the position which has been presented to me by some Church leaders and teachers, that because the law in England is based on Christian principles it is good and therefore 1 Corinthians 6:1-6, where it says we should not go to law against each other before unbelievers no longer applies.  But that they abandon this belief when THEY think the law is wrong and they don’t want to be subject to it, they believe in working to change it and that they have the right to civil disobedience.  It is just those with whom they are at odds that don’t, if said leaders advocate or feel they themselves need to take ‘strong action’.  It isn’t just Christians but Christians say they go by a certain book
  • And an incomplete thought to finish with: ‘there MIGHT be strength in numbers but the GOOD book says . . . .’
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Stage 2 Medication

Where I am we have stages in medication.  I have just been put onto stage 2, which means I have been given a strip of four bubble wraps, one for each medication time, and my medication is in the bubbles appropriate to me.  I take it away with me at the beginning of the day and I take it, or not, on my own terms.

This is the perfect opportunity for me to not take my psychiatric medication.  I thought about not taking it and took it anyway.  The other stuff I have is anti-inflammatory for pain and stiffness in my upper arms, anti acid to counteract the effects of that, and multivitamins and minerals and omega 3-6-9 oils (vegan, bang the drum and be clear.  Made by a company called Vertese and available at Holland and Barrett).

Forgotten Film Name, Help Please.

Dutch, I think, commune, brainwashing, spazzing.  Opens with nude men in the shower, near the end a woman from the commune is taken to spazz in front of her parents and she does so while eating cake and they slap her face, the group members keep betraying each other, as policy, into terrifying situations.  Woman blisses out and everyone comes round and makes a fuss of her, kissing her and everything.  Man who appears to be strongest in group strips naked in the street and his friends turn it on him by treating him like a mental patient and restraining him and doing panic stations and holding him down.   Closes with group members a few years later sitting in a room saying how the commune had changed their lives.  Something about going beyond boundaries.  I saw it in the 90s in the Prince of Wales cinema in Leicester Square, the cinema that hosts this kind of film.

Please, anyone?

The Thinker

Me.  Sorry about that.  It’s only me, not the famous statue!  More of my boring drivel, I’m afraid.

I think . . . Esther Hyam on Premier (not sure of spelling) is mimicking Christine who held me as I cried when Loxley told me I was no longer welcome at church.

I think . . . Gypsy William Lee at Kensington Temple, dropping his aitches everywhere and saying ‘rejoice in your ‘art’ was giving instructions to Christian artists and media people everywhere, including those leading worship (why don’t they mention William Lee anymore?  At a significant point all their boasting about him going on and on and on every day and the revival going on and on . . . just stopped.  I don’t remember an explanation).

I think . . . When the solicitor Rachel Gawith (who has a criminal conviction in Bulgaria on her own admission on her website and an awful attitude to Bulgarian authorities and the legal system – check out the travel bug and the rental bug websites) and her friends dealt so badly and illegally with me (they didn’t even give me a contract or offer one when I asked) and threatened me with Bulgarian police intimidation saying they were not nice and blackmailed me with the information they had been pushing me for and, in  spite of my explanation of the situation and me telling her that I had already been to the police about it who had done nothing (and still have not after much pursuit through an IPCC complaint from me) she told me she was going to report me to the British police because I was obviously in serious trouble with them – all this went through emails and Skype and I am sure everyone I believe is stalking me knows all about this . . . I think that when, at that time, someone in church or on Premier Radio prayed that God would protect Rachel, they intended that she should be at least one of the people that came to mind for me.

I think . . . that when someone submitted a prayer request to Premier breakfast this morning about someone who needed to make a move in the next day or two, John, from the way he kept coughing and clearing his throat, had me in mind about this situation because I think you have a year to start dealing with something like this before it is too late legally, and they ejected me from the house on 18th/19th Jaunary last year.

I think . . . their stalking has served to deprive me of any feeling that I could cope with trying to seek justice and that they never intended that I should feel able to without them.

When I first heard someone say on Premier this morning that someone was being subjected to a ‘savage spiritual attack’ I felt that was what they have been doing to me.

I think . . . I am now never going to be able to recover from anything that has happened to me this year, and they won’t care.  They wanted to make me dependent on them so aimed at knocking out any feeling that it might be possible to seek legal help successfully. I might be wrong.

I think . . . John Pantry is deliberately using my style when he speaks prayer words for his emailers.

I think . . . people have been deliberately purring at me in my personality then purring things like ‘if you have a roof over your head, be grateful’, making me feel I should be grateful for a place where I am subjected to such serious harassment day after day that I can’t cope with anything.

I think . . . that yesterday Colin Dye in the 11 am service after the 9 am which they chose not to stream yesterday, obviously used his little story about the lonely female amoeba to talk about me.  Check it out at http://www.KT.org/media.  It wil be up there soon if it isn’t now.

I think . . . this kind of communication is not aimed at me to try and win me, but aimed at people he wants to despise me.  I think this kind of thing and the violence they use in their communication, both obvious and not so obvious, are designed to help them keep control and keep the power flowing.  When it is happening, and they are using things about me as access points, I look back and see it was at about that time that I began to feel a need to vent myself.  I think, having experienced this, that this might be exactly the kind of thing that Susan Boyle, a composite personality of me and my next door neighbour, might have been experiencing in all the things I have seen being reported about her meltdowns.  I’ve said this kind of thing before to my mental health team and I can only assume that, if they have any kind of education about anything, the reason they refused to understand what I was saying was because they just didn’t want to know or to acknowledge everything else they have known and understood for years.

I think . . . Premier has abandoned its remit to the church in favour of courting other celebrities and personalities who are not even Christian.  In their dishonesty and criminality and pretence they have lost the plot and are betraying their listeners and also the non-Christian celebrities they promote and pursue.  (Erm . . . is this supposed to be a reflection of me, or what?)

I think . . . they get into their Dagenham style performance character and you are never supposed to see them out of character.  Esther began to slip this morning, and John helped her back into character by addressing her with a character-appropriate name.  He was ostensibly talking to someone else, but the time and the tone and Esther’s immediate recovery of her performance character led me to believe there was more to it than that.  (this is supposed to be ministry, not theatre and performance?  they are presenting as . . . I don’t know what they are presenting as, but I think the uninformed listener, viewer and participant is supposed to believe it is not a performance, and that is a lie).

I wish . . . I had never got involved with any of this.

I hope . . . I still can.

I believe and hope and think that I know . . . that is crazy thinking.  Its about arts and media.  It’s an arts and media coterie fight for them.  Authenticity and truth and personal trustworthiness and true spirituality come after that and might somehow be things they manage to affect and pull off. 

(I think . . . these churches and this radio station stopped being a spiritual ministry ages ago, going instead for theatrical representations and namedropping, as they did this morning.  I heard them agree with each other to do that a few years ago.)  How did this paragraph get here and where did it start off?

I think . . . that will do for now.

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