Tag Archive: Victimisation


The Harassment Has Escalated

I wrote a long complaint at the weekend.  I got all these connections last night that I hadn’t had before on the internet.  Earlier someone opened my door and I had my back to it with Facebook up then I lost Facebook.  I have just asked for the email address to make an official complaint and I have been told they don’t do it by email, it has to go through the ward manager, but now I have also ‘lost’ my email connection.  They go past my door and deliberately raise their voices as they get level with it.  I refused to see the psychiatrist today, after he first said I could go to Nottingham to arrange my sister’s funeral and choose a plot then made such a seethrough excuse not to let me go, that they couldn’t spare the staff when all they needed to do was get agency cover or something.  The nurse in charge over the weekend agreed with me about that.

I wrote a letter for the psychiatrist this morning saying what I wanted in terms of the funeral and court attendance to defend my tenancy.  Their cruelty towards me knowing what I am going through is pure sadism, they are absolutely savaging me.  I asked for obs to be content with just hearing me say I am OK today instead of insisting on looking at me once an hour.  They know how I present, they know I am not suicidal or self harming, yet even though they know I have evidence to submit by tomorrow they have given me no peace.  They really set on me tonight.  I’m not supposed to be able to stand my ground reasonably over my rights, not even my right not to be harassed in my room by staff.  They have become tearing, savaging wild animals.  I needed my email account to send my evidence tomorrow.  I have also been told that I can’t put anything on a memory stick and print it out in case there is a virus on it.  One of the patients asked me if I thought there might be any police pressure.  He told me he was a doctor himself (I believe him) and that one day the police asked him to say an ex-prisoner who wanted to go to a funeral was not fit to go, and he wouldn’t.  Today the Dr Shah said I could go to Nottingham and they would get cover, just I had to tell him when.  I’ve arranged it with the funeral director for Thursday.  Just after dinner started at 5 pm the fire alarm went off and we had to go into the garden.  Personally I was there less than a minute when we all came back in again.  On the stairs I met the psychiatrist’s assistant, Jess, who said she wanted to talk to me.  I said ‘not now, it’s dinner time’ (which is a protected time), and she stood there confrontationally and proceeded to continue and almost drew me in, but I said again, ‘not now’.

I have done everything in writing today, and I wrote after this that I wanted her to tell me what she wanted to tell me in writing and why, in light of what I had written before, she wanted to tell me what she did.  I think they are trying to get me stopped from going to Nottingham for a second time.  I asked for leave in my letter this morning as well.  The response I got about when I could have leave to go to Nottingham made it obvious that the letter had not been properly read and understood, but I have also asked about general leave, around 10 am, after they told me I could have special leave, because I had been advised by an OT to ask for that, too.  They said they would get back to me.  It is 8.05 pm and no one has said anything else to me about anything to do with this morning’s ward round all day, but they are being provocative and trying to make trouble and sabotage my efforts to do the things I need to.  I just asked for an email address, half an hour later I have lost my newly accessible internet connection to my email account on which I was depending for sending evidence tomorrow.  To me it seems obvious this is deliberate.  This HCA was being really provocative and making faces and I read her the riot act about what she was doing to someone needing to submit evidence to defend their tenancy who still is arranging her sister’s funeral and the next thing I knew, because I was shouting because she was trying to mock and jeer me down, there was a team of staff coming towards my door.  These are evil, bullying, fascist cowards with chemical weapons and a ‘right to use reasonable force’.  I said this evening, ‘there is nothing happening here that I have not said is happening for 22 years.  If you want to deal with it the first thing you need to do is admit you have been wrong and it is not a mental health problem in the first place’.  He (another HCA) was round a corner by then but when I finished he slammed a door.  Every time they come to my door to ‘do obs’ they act as if they have a warrant to enter and insist on coming in to look at me even though it has been obvious all week that I am fine, not self harming, not suicidal.  I believe they want an excuse to medicate and stop me going to Nottingham.  I’m on Tatton Ward.  Their behaviour and attitude towards me are getting darker and more frightening and demeaning.  This is an NHS overflow ward staffed by private staff in a private hospital.  They told me it was different from other places I have experienced, and for a while it has been true.  It looks as if it is starting to turn, in an obvious way.  This is the Priory Hospital Group.  They have no respect for me in my situation at all.  I am not entitled to less respect and support as a bereaved person potentially about to lose my home just because I am a Section 2 prisoner in a mental hospital on an acute ward.  On the contrary, this is not where I should be, at this point in my life, in my opinion, since they do not provide bereavement support, so they have told me.  But even if they don’t provide formal bereavement counselling and support they should at least respect me and try to be personally supportive.  I think if some of them could wear rubber gloves when dealing with me, from their faces and body language, they would do exactly that.

After I had been here a day or two a woman was put in the room opposite me with the same name as my sister.  She is aggressive and predatory.  After the first time I encountered her I apologised for my reaction to her behaviour, said she had come on a bit strong for me, and she was much better, but she is getting much more aggressive again.  Nurses often shout, even rage, her name asking if she is all right.  On Saturday night a nurse I had just been speaking to in my room who told me maybe we couldn’t afford the cover for me to go to Nottingham, two minutes later was heard right outside my room raging her name.  It doesn’t feel good.  Some of them seem to think if they get me a yogurt I am anybody’s, or should be.  Yogurt.  Lovely, thank you very much.  But no, I am not about to open up to you on that basis and tell you things I have been saying for 22 years because it might help you to hear it from me when having said these things, about media stalking and stuff, are the reason I am being given for my diagnosis of schizophrenia in the first place.  If they want to know they should tell ME what is happening and ask if I know.  I wonder why they dare not?  I wonder what difference they think mistreating me is going to make to what is happening with them?

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This Morning

So, what happened this morning?  R in the wheelchair told me it was either Sue or Sharon who said she had legs, she should use them.  When she told me that they were both sitting opposite me and she just said the one sitting opposite, so that is as close as I have it for now.  They started whispering together and laughing.  It came up about Sue swearing at me and telling me no one liked me again, and she said I had no proof.  They told me I was boring and my blog, which they say they haven’t read, is boring.  They told me I don’t know how to use my brain and that I am paranoid.  Sue said I was paranoid when I was saying about her swearing etc.

OK, I don’t have proof, but she and I both know, and I know she is lying.  She lies even to say she isn’t lying.  What sort of person says that another has no proof when they are expressing that kind of concern and offense?  I believe I should not need proof.  They have almost absolute power over me and I think that I should not need proof in the same way that a person reporting a past sexual offense against themselves does not need it.  We are that vulnerable.  I hope it turns out that I do not need proof.

They were all shouting at me this morning and laughing at me and letting other people, patients, shout at me.  They kept taking their side and using them to have a go at me.  I tried to talk to the doctor about what was happening and they wanted to hang around outside the door and watch, as if I was dangerous, so I said I would talk to someone else.  Jesus said the same thing – why have you come at me like this?

I couldn’t eat lunch, it was too spicy.

Whatever these people want, I will not work with them.  They are Nazis.  I will not have it said that they are working with me by my consent.  I’m not sure what they think they are trying to achieve, if it is not just trying to disempower and humiliate me.  Helen was there again, Steve who was responsible, so I was told, for the decision to not even help me with my bed.  Steve stayed laughing in the background, the women worked me over.

It started because I was told I needed to be out of my room so they could do a cleaning audit, and I let them bully me out.  I wasn’t dressed, I hadn’t showered.  When I pointed that out Sue gave me an empty stare and said ‘tough’.  I’d had a bad night because a woman on my corridor kept slamming the door again, I think it was Kerry, but I’m not sure.  It also could have been staff.  When I wanted to go back in my room Sue was sitting there and she said ‘she won’t come out again’, then we got into an argument about my right to stay in my room, and the fact that they can’t manhandle us out if we are not a danger to ourselves or anyone else.  As I said last night, they know it is the only place I have and they are taking full advantage of that. They were saying the other patients were all out and I said they didn’t have to be because the law protects us.  They were goading me, with complete disrespect.  They stripped me naked and insisted I stay among them in my distress, with them tossing me around on their horns.  I’ve had the hospital as my only home for nearly 16 months.  It has always been untenable.  I told them I would probably be gone within a month because accommodation and discharge is being talked about, and one of them threw up their hands and said hurray, or something to that effect.  Two of the other patients started on me, one said I should be in prison or in a hostel and that they were going to phone the police.  She got on the phone and asked for Scotland Yard.  I told her I would happily be in a hostel but they wouldn’t let me go.  I’ve got to wait until after 4th September when my Care Co-ordinator gets back from leave, unless I can find out from my advocate that there is a quicker way of doing it.

I had a dream last night that I was looking after Brian May’s house for him while he was away.  I also dreamt about the whole of the original Queen cast, but their hair was up in frizzy bunches on each side of their heads, while they were singing.

Oh, apart from putting me in the wrong all the time they asked me if I wasn’t sick of the sound of my voice.

Of course my constant fear about my blog is that it isn’t making the difference I want it to make, that in spite of all the clicks people don’t read it and they do think it is boring.  All I can say is that I am a real person coping,or trying to, with a terrible situation.  And I think I have something to say which should be taken seriously and should make the difference I keep saying I want it to make for myself and for others.

There is a lady on the ward who has been getting quite upset.  Talking about staff getting to go home and buy things on dirty money, talking about slurring her character.  Last night the staff listened to her in silence, this morning one of them was talking back at her.  She was saying they were slurring her character and she said she was going to complain and that she had before and would do so again,  Jess kept saying ‘good’ and another patient standing with the nurse was saying to her ‘do you have one’ (character), and made another comment as well, and Jess sided with her saying ‘pinch of salt’ to her about what this other lady was saying.

I’ve been there.  It hurts, it’s frightening and it shouldn’t happen.  The lady was saying that she wanted a transfer because she was being bullied by staff and patients.  It certainly sounded that way this morning.  I’m not saying it because I am perfect, but because I am equally vulnerable in this situation.

This evening I started singing, quietly, ‘the king is in the all together’.  I’ve never realised its full meaning before.  At first it wasn’t intentional.

BBC World News

It is 11.42 am here, 9.42 am in the UK

I was just watching BBC World News, and they were up to their usual tricks.  Squawking porcelain skinned blonde girl ending up with ‘that is how it is for some people’, and me thinking that’s what I said, but it is true for me and not for her, or at the very least it is true for the people I live among, while she has probably chosen to live among privileged people, if she has had that all her life or not. A very aggressive, angry cat indeed.  Interestingly enough, it was followed up by a very peaceful scene of a mother big cat (lion or something) suckling her cub, and I felt really angry and upset because of what seemed to me deliberate jarring and provocation.

The Indian girl who was doing the main report, just before Hardtalk, ended up with a story and adopted a strict, telling off, disciplinarian tone to say the decision had been taken in order to protect the crew, and she used exactly the same tone with a hard stare to say immediately afterwards, ‘This is BBC World News’.

I’m upset, OK?  Everyone knows that, they know there is good reason, and they carry on regardless, don’t change and do nothing to help.  So me, I change quickly, normally, if I believe I am wrong.  That is how my heart works.  It’s working that way now.  I’m not only afraid of reprisals for what I’m about to say, but I also feel like backing off from it because I believe I might be wrong to say it.

However, in light of the fact that these people don’t change and don’t operate that way, and in light of the fact that they keep patching this incitement and intimidation together, and in light of the fact that they have been using me and my family for years, knowing what is happening to us and the effect it has had on us as individuals and as a family, I am now saying that if they are trying to say that the decision to stalk us was taken to protect themselves (there was obviously some significance in the way she rounded this off), I am now saying, and I call on people to witness this, that I am now asking God to remove their protection. I personally find what they have done and are doing disgusting and disgraceful and very distressing, so does my sister, and my brother was somehow roped into a documentary interview following a murder inquiry in Nottingham and they keep using and abusing him as well (a comedian on one of the cookery programmes last weekend is just one example, either Something for the Weekend or Saturday Kitchen, it started off with sea urchins and ended up with this comedian doing my brother to a tee and going on like a moron, which my brother is not, he is just as traumatised by all this and other things as we all are).  I love my brother.  I just feel tears in my stomach when I think about him.  So personally I find it disgusting and disgraceful, as I have said, as well as still maintaining that it is completely illegal.  And I am praying for the removal of their protection, and believing God for it to happen in the Name of Jesus.

There you are, now they will call me fanatical and dangerous and increase the mental health angle attack.  Just keep watching, and wait and see.

PS I have to stop believing that, because these ladies appear in perfect make up, underneath it all they are lovely, reasonable people who just want to help.  They are not.  If they were they would use the right legal channels, and they don’t.

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