I haven’t written a blog entry for a while so I thought I would sit down and write one. I have no settled subject in mind so I’ve called it ‘Meanderings’, because that is what it will be.
I’ve just read something that was on Freshly Pressed a few days ago, about a kiss on television in America between a sportsman and his male lover. It was calling people who had a problem with it bigoted. I read the comments section and there was a smattering of people who said God and the Bible were against it. I am someone who was brought up in Church to believe that. You can’t just ditch your beliefs, no matter how many people call them bigoted.
When I was 17 I had a relationship with another woman which featured sex quite a lot. This woman was about 36, and she had been one of my teachers in secondary school. The balance of power was on her side and although I loved her, I was also frightened of her. Sometimes I felt the way she turned her anger on me was sick. I remember once she cooked a stew and the meat wasn’t properly cooked, but she told me to eat it or she would rub it in my hair. When Lord Mountbatten was killed by the IRA she said she would hang them upside down and flay them alive, and before they fainted she would cut their testicles off. I felt sick at what I was hearing.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, she was affectionate, and I liked those times. They were times when I felt really close to her and safe. But at the same time I was aware that I was a disappointment to her in many ways, including socially, she used to lecture me a lot.
At the end of the relationship, which lasted 2 years, through my sixth form college time, I started to be attracted back to church. I had left because, as I told God at the time, it wasn’t working for me and it couldn’t be working for Him either, so I was getting out for a while. That while lasted 2 years and at the end of it I believed myself to be an atheist. I was devastated at the end of the relationship. She told me I didn’t need her anymore. I’m wondering if she despised my mother but was more intimidated by the people I was then lodging with, because it was when I went into lodgings with a middle class family that she backed off. I don’t know, I’ve only just thought about it after all these years.
Before I started to be attracted back to church and at the end of the relationship I still had feelings that I would like to have another relationship with a woman. I think I was aware for about 3 weeks of a group where I could meet other gay women, but for those 3 weeks I kept failing to go. And then I started to be attracted back to church.
To cut a long story short, knowing that homosexuality was against the teaching of the church I had been involved with, I inwardly cried out to God to deliver me from feelings towards other women and I believed that He did. To me that was a great relief.
While writing this I have found myself thinking that maybe I should seek a relationship with another woman. At the moment I don’t have any romantic relationship with anyone. You could say I’m a bit confused. I have had sexual encounters down the years, mostly when I have been vulnerable and I have felt taken advantage of. Those encounters have all been with men. I have not sought encounters with women. As a Christian (and these are not the feelings of all Christians) I sometimes feel anger and great opposition towards homosexuality, because the Bible says it is wrong and I believe people know that and practise it anyway, in rebellion. Of course that isn’t the whole truth, for many people it is just the way they are and they have been brought up to believe it is OK.
My feelings for myself are ambivalent. I think I wouldn’t want a relationship with a campaigner, for instance. I wouldn’t want a stereotyped relationship either, if I were to have a relationship with another woman. I don’t know what I want. I’ve not allowed myself to think about it for some time and I think this is the first time I have really written about it. I would like a relationship. The person would have to be a non-smoker, since I hate the smell of smoke. I’m 53, I feel it is a bit late for me to be thinking about a normal relationship with a man, I can’t have children anymore. I don’t want to fall into the arms of any of the men I see around me at the moment. I haven’t been to church properly for quite a while now. I have been taught that is where to find someone suitable. I don’t feel the part anymore, but I still believe it is right. Maybe I would be more at home in a gay-friendly church. I don’t know where I am with my own sexuality at the moment.